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Authors: David Stubbs
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in the spirit world when you and Father happened to – well, you know, you chose that moment to lie back and – I just happened to be next in the queue up there. Five minutes later, just five minutes later and I’d have been born into some other place. Or five minutes earlier, for that matter. Just think, I could be some Bedouin elder roasting camel dung, or some old fellow sitting on a rusty chair in a square in Algiers, in his only pair of trousers watching the world go by and wondering to himself, ‘What the devil is THIS all about?’.
But no, you were bang on time. It was your duty, of course. You always did your duty to your county. County? I meant country, always country first. I admire you for that – even when it took you off to Kenya and I had to stay home with my toys. Country first. And now I’m a little melancholy … because they don’t understand us, do they? Our enemies, I mean. The people who would have us toppled, even after all we’ve done. They know who they are. Oh, they know who they are! I wish I knew who they were, but there you go. They’re bastards, Mummy. Bastards! There, I said it. Bastards. Our backs are against the wall and they’re out to destroy us, but we won’t let them destroy us, will we, Mummy? Not even if the rest of them have all run over to the other side and we’re the last two standing. We won’t let them, won’t let them. Won’t. Let. Them.
And now, I feel rather sleepy. I think I may take a little doze out on the lawn. It’s a beautiful day down here. Is it a beautiful day in London?
Yours, on a beautiful day
‘Charlie’
PS: Who do you think would win in a fight between Andrew and me? You must have wondered – I know I have!
The British Homeopathic Association
(by email)
14 June 2010
Good morning
I find myself suffering something of a ‘headache’. I was wondering, I know homeopathic remedies work on the principle of dilution but is there something you could have your lab people work up that’s more in the nature of ‘super-strength’, just this once? Because I think that’s what I need.
Urgently, yours
HRH The Prince of Wales
HM The Queen
(via email)
Hello Mummy
14 June 2010
As this is a matter of urgency, I am using the emergency channel of ‘email’. A letter may have arrived for you this morning in a large envelope with the misspelled word ‘Buckingham’ crossed out several times and a Gloucestershire postmark. I have certain information on this from sources. I’d urge you not to open it as it may be a letter bomb, or some such. Simply have one of the footmen dispose of it.
Yours sincerely
Charles
HM The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
England
8 November 2010
Dear Mummy
I see you have joined the twenty-first century and signed up to Facebook! Charles ‘likes’ this! I rushed to my laptop and looked on your page with great interest. However, I noted you have barred the ‘friends’ facility.
I can certainly understand this, as well as your desire not to be ‘poked’ – which would be a green light for all manner of ribaldry from the Footlights brigade. I was wondering, though: in the case of those nearest and dearest to you, could you possibly make exceptions? I am your son. Is there any chance that I could be your ‘friend’, or would that be a breach of protocol? Hang it all, Mother, who makes these rules? I shan’t press the matter, but if you were to ‘friend’ me, rest assured I’d confirm your request at the push of a button, not leave you hanging in the ether like a chump.
Your son, and soon-to-be ‘friend’
Charles
HRH The Prince William
c/o Buckingham Palace
London
England
17 November 2010
Dear William
So, you’re going to make an honest woman of this Kate girl, eh? (Or should I say ‘Catherine’? ‘Kate’, ‘Catherine’, somehow both feel awkward.) Splendid! Your past oats are sown, the game’s up and there we are then, marvellous. Of course, the whole enterprise
But no, you were bang on time. It was your duty, of course. You always did your duty to your county. County? I meant country, always country first. I admire you for that – even when it took you off to Kenya and I had to stay home with my toys. Country first. And now I’m a little melancholy … because they don’t understand us, do they? Our enemies, I mean. The people who would have us toppled, even after all we’ve done. They know who they are. Oh, they know who they are! I wish I knew who they were, but there you go. They’re bastards, Mummy. Bastards! There, I said it. Bastards. Our backs are against the wall and they’re out to destroy us, but we won’t let them destroy us, will we, Mummy? Not even if the rest of them have all run over to the other side and we’re the last two standing. We won’t let them, won’t let them. Won’t. Let. Them.
And now, I feel rather sleepy. I think I may take a little doze out on the lawn. It’s a beautiful day down here. Is it a beautiful day in London?
Yours, on a beautiful day
‘Charlie’
PS: Who do you think would win in a fight between Andrew and me? You must have wondered – I know I have!
The British Homeopathic Association
(by email)
14 June 2010
Good morning
I find myself suffering something of a ‘headache’. I was wondering, I know homeopathic remedies work on the principle of dilution but is there something you could have your lab people work up that’s more in the nature of ‘super-strength’, just this once? Because I think that’s what I need.
Urgently, yours
HRH The Prince of Wales
HM The Queen
(via email)
Hello Mummy
14 June 2010
As this is a matter of urgency, I am using the emergency channel of ‘email’. A letter may have arrived for you this morning in a large envelope with the misspelled word ‘Buckingham’ crossed out several times and a Gloucestershire postmark. I have certain information on this from sources. I’d urge you not to open it as it may be a letter bomb, or some such. Simply have one of the footmen dispose of it.
Yours sincerely
Charles
HM The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
England
8 November 2010
Dear Mummy
I see you have joined the twenty-first century and signed up to Facebook! Charles ‘likes’ this! I rushed to my laptop and looked on your page with great interest. However, I noted you have barred the ‘friends’ facility.
I can certainly understand this, as well as your desire not to be ‘poked’ – which would be a green light for all manner of ribaldry from the Footlights brigade. I was wondering, though: in the case of those nearest and dearest to you, could you possibly make exceptions? I am your son. Is there any chance that I could be your ‘friend’, or would that be a breach of protocol? Hang it all, Mother, who makes these rules? I shan’t press the matter, but if you were to ‘friend’ me, rest assured I’d confirm your request at the push of a button, not leave you hanging in the ether like a chump.
Your son, and soon-to-be ‘friend’
Charles
HRH The Prince William
c/o Buckingham Palace
London
England
17 November 2010
Dear William
So, you’re going to make an honest woman of this Kate girl, eh? (Or should I say ‘Catherine’? ‘Kate’, ‘Catherine’, somehow both feel awkward.) Splendid! Your past oats are sown, the game’s up and there we are then, marvellous. Of course, the whole enterprise
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