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Authors: David Stubbs
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has my most cordial blessing. Just to check, this girl – she’s the one, isn’t she? You haven’t some other filly in stow, looking on from afar with coltish, longing eyes or what-not, have you? No? Good! Because you know, well – you know.
Anyway, my son, as you know these are straitened times and we must bear this in mind when planning the wedding. Some Pomp, yes, some Circumstance in moderation, but where can we show willing to economise?
How about biodegradable paper plates and instead of champagne, some of my home-brewed prune wine? As for the wedding dress, my wife Camilla – your stepmother – would be perfectly willing to ‘hand down’ one of her party frocks which, with some alteration, would fit Kate. Also, on the subject: would you object if I wore my Wellingtons to the wedding? My valet would have me wear tight black shoes, but they hurt like blazes after a long day.
Frugally yours
‘Dad’
MEMO TO ALL STAFF
Highgrove
England
3 December 2010
This has been prompted in part by a complaint from my son, Prince William. It concerns jokes made by Royal personages and the need for an honest response to them, in order to prevent later embarrassment.
Some of you may remember being gathered together when William came down and was kind enough to give a little informal talk. During the course of that talk, he made the following off-the-cuff quip concerning his upcoming involvement in the bid to host the World Cup in 2018:
‘I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions and celebrations. I certainly hope so, as I’m planning quite a big one myself next year!’
And of course, you all laughed heartily, giving every indication that you were very amused indeed. It was a dry reference to his impending marriage. What you may not have realised is that he was ‘running by you’ a line he proposed to use in his actual speech. You encouraged him to put it in, but when it came to the ‘Big Day’, I’m afraid to report that it went down like the proverbial lead balloon. To use a phrase of my youth, it laid an egg. I am not suggesting this caused us to lose the bid and I would certainly not put it past the rival Russian delegation to have fought down their belly laughs at the joke just to make the English bid look bad and humiliate the Prince. All the same, if it turns out that you really didn’t think the joke was ‘much cop’ and were simply trying to humour the Prince, I’m afraid you did him, and your country, a disservice.
In future, when I or any other member of the Royal Family makes a joke, we’d be obliged if you could respond to it on its merits. If it makes you laugh, yes, laugh out loud! But if it doesn’t, remain stony-faced. That way, we know where we stand. You know I’m open to criticism – you’ve always said I am when I’ve asked you. Well, then, hang it all, don’t be so bloody deferential! And that’s a Royal Command.
Yours, &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Hoofers, Entertainers and Celebrity Folk
Uri Geller
c/o Parkinson
The British Broadcasting Corporation
London
England
6 April 1974
Dear Mr Geller
If I were King, and this were the twelfth century, I could command you to show me how to do that trick of yours with the spoon and you’d jolly well have to do it or you’d be hanging by your thumbs in the Tower until you did.
Of course, it’s not the twelfth century, you’re an Israelite and I’m not crowned yet, so I’m going to have to ask you instead. During grace the other day my mother caught me rubbing a soup spoon and shot me a glance that made me feel all of twelve years old and sent to my room to sit on the ‘Disgrace Stool’.
Back to my point: I believe in this world there are spiritual forces at work denied by science and the machine age – powerful, invisible vibrations we have not yet learned to harness. With your help, I should like to harness them. Between you and me, I often have dreams of being a ‘Wizard King’,
Anyway, my son, as you know these are straitened times and we must bear this in mind when planning the wedding. Some Pomp, yes, some Circumstance in moderation, but where can we show willing to economise?
How about biodegradable paper plates and instead of champagne, some of my home-brewed prune wine? As for the wedding dress, my wife Camilla – your stepmother – would be perfectly willing to ‘hand down’ one of her party frocks which, with some alteration, would fit Kate. Also, on the subject: would you object if I wore my Wellingtons to the wedding? My valet would have me wear tight black shoes, but they hurt like blazes after a long day.
Frugally yours
‘Dad’
MEMO TO ALL STAFF
Highgrove
England
3 December 2010
This has been prompted in part by a complaint from my son, Prince William. It concerns jokes made by Royal personages and the need for an honest response to them, in order to prevent later embarrassment.
Some of you may remember being gathered together when William came down and was kind enough to give a little informal talk. During the course of that talk, he made the following off-the-cuff quip concerning his upcoming involvement in the bid to host the World Cup in 2018:
‘I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions and celebrations. I certainly hope so, as I’m planning quite a big one myself next year!’
And of course, you all laughed heartily, giving every indication that you were very amused indeed. It was a dry reference to his impending marriage. What you may not have realised is that he was ‘running by you’ a line he proposed to use in his actual speech. You encouraged him to put it in, but when it came to the ‘Big Day’, I’m afraid to report that it went down like the proverbial lead balloon. To use a phrase of my youth, it laid an egg. I am not suggesting this caused us to lose the bid and I would certainly not put it past the rival Russian delegation to have fought down their belly laughs at the joke just to make the English bid look bad and humiliate the Prince. All the same, if it turns out that you really didn’t think the joke was ‘much cop’ and were simply trying to humour the Prince, I’m afraid you did him, and your country, a disservice.
In future, when I or any other member of the Royal Family makes a joke, we’d be obliged if you could respond to it on its merits. If it makes you laugh, yes, laugh out loud! But if it doesn’t, remain stony-faced. That way, we know where we stand. You know I’m open to criticism – you’ve always said I am when I’ve asked you. Well, then, hang it all, don’t be so bloody deferential! And that’s a Royal Command.
Yours, &c
HRH The Prince of Wales
Hoofers, Entertainers and Celebrity Folk
Uri Geller
c/o Parkinson
The British Broadcasting Corporation
London
England
6 April 1974
Dear Mr Geller
If I were King, and this were the twelfth century, I could command you to show me how to do that trick of yours with the spoon and you’d jolly well have to do it or you’d be hanging by your thumbs in the Tower until you did.
Of course, it’s not the twelfth century, you’re an Israelite and I’m not crowned yet, so I’m going to have to ask you instead. During grace the other day my mother caught me rubbing a soup spoon and shot me a glance that made me feel all of twelve years old and sent to my room to sit on the ‘Disgrace Stool’.
Back to my point: I believe in this world there are spiritual forces at work denied by science and the machine age – powerful, invisible vibrations we have not yet learned to harness. With your help, I should like to harness them. Between you and me, I often have dreams of being a ‘Wizard King’,
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