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demands, each kept getting his ego bruised by the other’s work focus. Big egos often mean big insecurities. Mike acted nonchalant when Will had to cancel a date due to a fast-approaching deadline, but bitched to his friends about it. Will felt tremendous insecurity when Mike had to work all weekend out of town. They allowed seeds of doubt to grow, which almost sank the relationship. After about three months, they finally let down their guards and talked honestly about their insecurities that arose from work issues. Solid negotiators that they are, they set up the following agreement to manage work overload:
    He who breaks the date for work must reschedule with something exciting, like dinner at a top restaurant or concert tickets.
    When work schedules result in changed plans, both parties agree to talk about their feelings honestly.
    Both parties agree to acknowledge that their jobs are equally important.
    Both parties agree to speak every night, no matter what, even if only for five minutes.
    Like a lot of guys with big egos, Will and Mike expected the other one to mind read and pick up slack in the relationship. They laughed over setting up a faux relationship contract, but were happier once they accepted how alike they were about work, and that they needed to check their egos at the door to communicate.
    When you date, you spend a lot of time sizing up prospects. Imagine the shoe is on the other foot, and a potential date is sizing you up. How do you rate yourself? I don’t mean to scare you off dating, though there are plenty of reasons to be afraid. After all, how many shrink couches are full of men on their backs unburdening dating horror stories?
    If you plan on dating another man, you’ll have to accept the very things in him that you have a hard time accepting in yourself.

17
    THE M-WORD. MADONNA? MARRIAGE? HELL, NO. MONOGAMY!

    Broaching the subject of monogamy in a gay male relationship is like baking a soufflé. Bake it for too short a period and it falls. Bake it too long and it dries up. The artful success of bringing up monogamy is in the timing. “Too much, too soon” is as bad as “too little, too late.”
    Forty-seven-year-old Scott, a travel agent from Florida, learned this lesson the hard way. After a great second date with thirty-seven-year-old Frank, when the attraction was heating up in the car ride back to Scott’s place, Scott looked Frank in the eyes and said softly, “I really want to date you and only you from now on.” In an awkward end to an otherwise fun evening, Frank suddenly remembered he had to be up early the next morning, exited the scene quickly, and never called Scott again. Scott now says he felt ridiculous after saying it and wishes he had blamed the outburst on a new and unusual strain of Tourette’s syndrome called situational Tourette’s. Though he didn’t demand monogamy, the mere implication of the word so soon was enough to send Frank running. If Scott had veered the dinner conversation toward relationship history, the subject could have come up casually.
    Forty-year-old musician Ted had the foresight to wait until the subject bubbled up to the surface naturally. After three months of dating Chris, a thirty-eight-year-old office manager in their hometown of New Orleans, the subject came up over drinks in the French Quarter. Chatting about the big gay party they were attending that evening, Chris said playfully, “If anyone comes on to you, I’ll take him out. Some of these guys don’t care if you are coupled off or not.” Ted took the opportunity to ease into monogamy by offhandedly asking such questions as “What would happen if someone did ask you out? Would you date anyone else at this point?” and “What do you think about the two of us dating each other exclusively?” They agreed that they didn’t want to date anyone else. And they were comfortable enough to say that if they ever felt