Read Online The Kruton Interface by John Dechancie - Free Book Online

gathered at the mouth of the tube.
    “Here, let me try sucking him,” Darvona said, reaching for the control pads.
    “Wait,” Rhodes said, fending her off. “Uh, sir, do you want to be sucked or blown?”
    “I want out of this plastic intestine! I feel like last night’s dinner.”
    “Certainly, sir. Just hold on.”
    “Look,” Sven said, “that’s his foot right up there. See?”
    “Right, I see it.” Rhodes raised his voice. “Sir, we’re going to try to reach you.”
    “Do something , for God’s sake.”
    With Sven down on all fours, letting his back serve as a platform, Darvona stepped up on him and slithered up into the tube.
    “Can you reach him?” asked Rhodes.
    “Uhh… I can’t quite,” Darvona said. “Doctor, give me a boost.”
    “I am only too happy to be obliging.”
    “ Ooo ! Doctor, I said a boost, not a goose.”
    “What a disgrace I am and asking you to excuse me for a silly bumbler.”
    “That’s it, just push up.”
    “I am pushing, by gosh.”
    “I still can’t… Someone boost the doctor.”
    Warner-Hillary put her bony shoulder to the doctor’s posterior and shoved.
    “Oh, my, now I am the goosee.”
    “Sorry, Doc.”
    “Uhh… there! I have his foot!”  
    The captain said calmly, “Okay, so you have my foot. What now?”  
    “Uhh … uhhhhhh. Whew! Captain, you’re stuck.”  
    “Brilliant deduction.”  
    “You’re caught on something.”  
    “Yeah, I guess. Wait a minute.”  
    “What is it, Captain?”
    “I think… I think it’s my uniform. Snagged on something. This damned seam is coming loose.”  
    “On your uniform?”
    “No, in the tube, you dummy. The cloth caught in this crack, here, whatever. I can’t see, it’s behind me.”
    “He’s caught on something,’’ Darvona yelled. “Try to suck him off.”
    They essayed a number of different approaches, but none worked.
    “Look, sir, we’re going to try an experiment,” Rhodes yelled up the tube.
    “With me as guinea pig, no doubt.”
    “Afraid that’s about the size of it, sir. I’ll hit both controls at once. You’ll be blown and sucked, and Darvona will try to pull you off. Does that sound plausible, sir?”
    “Sounds delightful. Let’s do it.”
    They did it. While they did it, the air now abruptly increased. The tube made a sound like the breaking of wind, and with it came the sound of tearing cloth.
    “He’s coming!” Darvona screamed.
    Wanker and Darvona gushed out of the tube. The entire ship’s company save for Sadowski ended up in a tangled heap on the deck.
    Wanker groaned, “You miserable… ”
    It took some doing to sort everyone out, but eventually everyone recovered and stood up.
    “No bones broken,” Rhodes said, palpating his ribs.  
    “My uniform is ripped,” the captain said mildly. “This is my best dress uniform.” He didn’t seem very upset.
    “Sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to jerk you off like that. The air whooshed, and—”
    “Never mind, Lieutenant, you did your best. Thank you, everyone. That was … interesting.”
    Sadowski came crawling out of the access bay. He got to his feet and swaggered over to his shipmates, his kilt swishing, a bushy smile on his red-bearded face. He sang:
     
    “Aberdeen shall be a green
    An’ Dundee be dung doon;  
    But Forfar will be forfar still,
    An’ Brechin a brow burgh-toon.”
     
    All eyes were on him.
    He put his fists to his hips and beamed. “A wee brownie i’ th’ works. I turned ‘im out, the divvil.”
    “What’d he say?” Wanker asked.
    “He fixed the parastatic generators, sir,” Rhodes supplied.
    “Oh. Good job, Sadowski.”
    “Thank ye, sir!”
    Rhodes asked, “Sir, are you feeling any better?”  
    “Better than what?”
    “Uh, better than the way you felt previously.”
    Wanker smiled crookedly. His eyes were a bit glazed. “Oh, sure, I’m feeling better. In fact I’m practically insensible. What the hell were those pills, Doctor?”
    “They are being an assortment