Read Online The Kruton Interface by John Dechancie - Free Book Online Page B

brilliant man.”
    “He’d better be, to justify a goofy name like that.”
    Darvona announced, “Civilian party requesting permission to come aboard, sir.”
    Wanker was lost in thought. “Proust Drive! I suppose it’s a faster-than-light drive, but I wonder what kind it could be.”
    Rhodes said, “Somebody should be down on the quarterdeck to receive them.”
    “I will greet them, by gosh,” the doctor said.
    “Make sure they have authorization passes. Uh, Dr. Strangefinger and five assistants, it says here. And lots of equipment. Ms. Roundheels, inform Security.”
    “Aye, sir!”
    “I will be welcoming them to our ship,” O’Gandhi said as he headed toward the blow tube. “Be it ever so humbling.”
    “Tell Dr. Strangesinger to come directly to the bridge.”
    Rhodes corrected, “That’s Strangefinger, Captain.” He turned to O’Gandhi. “I don’t know what we’re going to do about the equipment. His people will have to manage.”
    “I will be telling the man that,” the doctor said, hitting SUCK. He shot upward through the tube.
    “Proust Drive,” the captain was still saying as he shook his head, as if he could not quite manage to get around the peculiarity of it.
    Rhodes said, “Dr. Strangefinger’s a genius, sir, but he is a bit eccentric. Some of his inventions have failed to realize their potential.”
    Wanker turned his head. “Oh? What inventions were those?”
    “Well, this isn’t the first FTL drive he’s come up with, sir. There was of course the Quantum Drive, which was based on his early work, the application of relativistic quantum mechanics to electrostatic field theory.”
    “Well, we know that works. It’s what propels this ship. Though that was a hell of a long time ago. What’s he been doing since?”
    “But he’s been trying to devise an improved star drive for years, without much success.”
    “What’s he been fiddling with?”
    “Well, there was the Uncertainty Drive, which was an attempt to utilize Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle.”
    “It didn’t work?”
    “That’s just the trouble, sir. No one’s sure whether it did or not.”  
    “I see.”
    “Then there was the FTH Drive.”  
    Wanker looked suspicious. “What’s ‘FTH’ stand for?”
    “Faster Than Hell.’ Dr. Strangefinger has a sense of humor, sir.”
    “He ought to do stand-up.”
    “I’m afraid he has a penchant for clever names and whimsical coinages, continuing an old tradition among physicists. ‘Charmed quark’ and that sort of thing.”
    “Charming custom. Okay, so this Faster-Than-Hell gizmo didn’t work either?”
    “It was a qualified failure, but it led to the development of the FTLCA Drive.”
    “I hesitate to ask ...”
    “ ‘Faster Than a Lawyer Chasing an Ambulance.’”  
    “Glad I didn’t ask.”
    “Which in turn led to the FTCWFUA Drive.”  
    “I couldn’t guess.”
    “ ‘Faster Than a Cat With a Firecracker Up its Ass.’ But that showed mixed results.”
    Wanker looked depressed again. “Can’t imagine why.”
    “There were other projects that were very short-lived.”
    “Is there anything I can do to prevent you from telling me about them?”
    Rhodes was a bit miffed. “I won’t if you don’t want me to, sir.”
    Wanker gave in. “Go ahead.”
    “Well, there was the Used Metal Drive. It was scrapped.”
    “Oh, no.”
    “And the Coitus Drive.”  
    “You’re not going to tell me—?”  
    “Research was interrupted.”  
    “He told me.”
    “And of course the infamous Penis Drive.”
    Wanker ventured slyly, “Let me guess. It didn’t stand up in tests?”
    “It could only be operated manually, sir.”
    “I believe I’m getting the hang of this,” Wanker said with satisfaction.
    “But his best invention to date was the Rufus Drive. And the one that, up till now, showed the most promise.”
    “Rufus Drive. That one worked, did it?”
    “Well, sir, the Rufus went up, but the overhead was too high.”
    With a groan