saw Rasputin and he refuses to come. He says to tell you that you sent him away and he has no intentions of helping you or your husband. I hate to give you this news and I hope you'll still pay me."
My throat closed up and I couldn't answer. Nodding , I gave him a handful of coins. Satisfied , he left.
I sunk into the chair at Jan's bedside.
Every day he suffered and I knew he was slipping away from me, and there was nothing I could do to save him. I would have gone to the medicine woman, but I was afraid he would die while I was gone. I dared not leave him for a moment.
On my knees I prayed, I begged God to let him live. Take me instead I bargained over and over but God was not listening.
When I knew the end was coming, guilt filled me so strongly that I could not fight the need to tell him.
I grasped his hand in both of mine and looked into those eyes that had brought me out of pain and into such love and joy as I could never have imagined.
Tears filled the back of my eyes.
"Jan, there's something I must tell you." I could barely speak, but I knew I had to go on.
"Ten years ago. Grigori came back and you were in town and mama was asleep and Oh God, Jan forgive me please...."
The tears flooded down my face like a river.
"I should have told you sooner, but I ....."
Gently he placed his cold hand over my lips and looked into my eyes.
The deep aqua of his eyes where I had seen joy and love so often, was now glazed, his face was serious as he said.........
Chapter Eleven…
"S
hhhh" his voice barely audible. "It's okay, love, I already know."
Unable to control the trembling, I watched the man who had been my husband and dearest friend, slipping away from me. He deserved to know the truth. My throat went dry, as I removed his hand from my lips.
" Jan, Margot is Grigori's child." I told him.
Margot, I am sorry that I had to tell you this, but it is necessary for your future that you know.
Jan's answer was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. "She is my child. I raised her and I love her." That smile that comforted me as no other came over his face. "I knew about Grigori, but never for one day have I felt that she belonged to anyone else. She may not be of my blood, but she carries my heart. As soon as Dr. Stein put that little girl in my arms, she became my daughter, our daughter."
"I'm so sorry, Jan. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know if it matters, but that was the only time I betrayed you"
"Please, love, I have no regrets. You've made my life so much more than I could ever have hoped for. You have always been my angel, my reason for living and whatever happened makes no difference. I love you, I always have and I always will."
For a brief second, the light came back into his eyes. Through my tears, I watched and hoped against hope that he was coming back to me.
"Please, God, don't take him. I'll do anything, anything."
He winked and touched my face one last time, and although it was strained , he smiled that old familiar smile, closed his eyes and was gone.
It was early December and a light coat of virgin snow had fallen the previous night. I gazed out the window to see the morning sunlight sprinkling down in a rainbow of diamonds across the pure white powder.
My heart was as empty, as if someone had cut it out leaving a big hole that was bleeding through my entire body. Glued to the bed looking at his lifeless body, I was terrified.
You ran into the room with Sprite wagging his tail right behind you. You called to me. "Mama, Mama, can I have some cookies?"
You stopped when you saw me and your little face turned pale as you ran into my arms. When you saw your father was dead, you cried in such heart wrenching sobs that your entire body turned blood red. Unable to catch your breath, you vomited on the floor.
We buried him on a Sunday. Paralyzed with grief, I stood at the grave site holding your hand. Icicles hung from the trees and occasionally fell to the ground. My
My throat closed up and I couldn't answer. Nodding , I gave him a handful of coins. Satisfied , he left.
I sunk into the chair at Jan's bedside.
Every day he suffered and I knew he was slipping away from me, and there was nothing I could do to save him. I would have gone to the medicine woman, but I was afraid he would die while I was gone. I dared not leave him for a moment.
On my knees I prayed, I begged God to let him live. Take me instead I bargained over and over but God was not listening.
When I knew the end was coming, guilt filled me so strongly that I could not fight the need to tell him.
I grasped his hand in both of mine and looked into those eyes that had brought me out of pain and into such love and joy as I could never have imagined.
Tears filled the back of my eyes.
"Jan, there's something I must tell you." I could barely speak, but I knew I had to go on.
"Ten years ago. Grigori came back and you were in town and mama was asleep and Oh God, Jan forgive me please...."
The tears flooded down my face like a river.
"I should have told you sooner, but I ....."
Gently he placed his cold hand over my lips and looked into my eyes.
The deep aqua of his eyes where I had seen joy and love so often, was now glazed, his face was serious as he said.........
Chapter Eleven…
"S
hhhh" his voice barely audible. "It's okay, love, I already know."
Unable to control the trembling, I watched the man who had been my husband and dearest friend, slipping away from me. He deserved to know the truth. My throat went dry, as I removed his hand from my lips.
" Jan, Margot is Grigori's child." I told him.
Margot, I am sorry that I had to tell you this, but it is necessary for your future that you know.
Jan's answer was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. "She is my child. I raised her and I love her." That smile that comforted me as no other came over his face. "I knew about Grigori, but never for one day have I felt that she belonged to anyone else. She may not be of my blood, but she carries my heart. As soon as Dr. Stein put that little girl in my arms, she became my daughter, our daughter."
"I'm so sorry, Jan. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know if it matters, but that was the only time I betrayed you"
"Please, love, I have no regrets. You've made my life so much more than I could ever have hoped for. You have always been my angel, my reason for living and whatever happened makes no difference. I love you, I always have and I always will."
For a brief second, the light came back into his eyes. Through my tears, I watched and hoped against hope that he was coming back to me.
"Please, God, don't take him. I'll do anything, anything."
He winked and touched my face one last time, and although it was strained , he smiled that old familiar smile, closed his eyes and was gone.
It was early December and a light coat of virgin snow had fallen the previous night. I gazed out the window to see the morning sunlight sprinkling down in a rainbow of diamonds across the pure white powder.
My heart was as empty, as if someone had cut it out leaving a big hole that was bleeding through my entire body. Glued to the bed looking at his lifeless body, I was terrified.
You ran into the room with Sprite wagging his tail right behind you. You called to me. "Mama, Mama, can I have some cookies?"
You stopped when you saw me and your little face turned pale as you ran into my arms. When you saw your father was dead, you cried in such heart wrenching sobs that your entire body turned blood red. Unable to catch your breath, you vomited on the floor.
We buried him on a Sunday. Paralyzed with grief, I stood at the grave site holding your hand. Icicles hung from the trees and occasionally fell to the ground. My
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