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Authors: Roberta Kagan
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ears froze but I couldn't feel the pain. My eyes were dry, but the ache that had started in my heart now filled my stomach and throat as well.
Your father had so many friends; he had gone out of his way to help others as long as I had known him. And now people came to me with their condolences, but I couldn't hear them when they spoke. I longed to be alone. Even Hannah was no comfort to me.
Weeks passed and I did not eat, only drank alcohol, until in a drunken stupor, I slept. You tried to come to me, but I sent you away.
Hannah came to stay with us, but her own responsibilities forced her to go home. She begged me to go with her, but I wouldn't move from the bed I had shared with your father. Wisely she begged me to allow her to take you to her home, and I agreed.
For a few hours at a time, I would be fine. It would be as if nothing had happened, and then I would see something as simple as Jan's coat or his shoes and the pain would come over me with a vengeance. My mind drifted back to the strawberry patch when we first met. How I had taken him for a fool. Laughing bitterly to myself, I realized it was I who had been the fool, he was a gift from God to me.
When we were newly married, I remembered how he laughed and teased me as I braided garlic and hung it over our door to ward off evil spirits. When he saw how serious I was he stopped laughing and helped me to make the protective talisman. Jan, always so wise.
I buried my face in his clothes breathing deeply trying to suck every bit of essence left of him into my body. So great was my sorrow that I fell to the ground and cried out his name, over and over until I was hoarse and could no longer make any sound. All of my strength drained, I wept quietly.
Jan had been the only person who could ever pull me out of depths of my sadness, and now it was him that I grieved for. For the first time, I realized how much I had leaned on him. He had been my strength. Sheer exhaustion came over me and I slept.
Deeper than I had ever slept before. It was as if I had left this world for a while. Jan came to me in a dream and begged me not to give up. He implored me to be a mother to you. His face was as close as mine is to yours now. I believe he came from the other side to help me as he always had in life. I felt his touch, and the spicy fragrance of his skin filled the room. He would always be with me by my side in spirit guiding me as I walked through life until the time we would be together again. Waiting with open arms, he said, he would be there to catch me when my time came to leave this earth. His lips were warm and tender on mine, and for the first time since he died I was comforted.
When I awoke, I felt stronger and I made a decision. I would devote my life to raising you, but first I had something important that I needed to do.
I pulled the black valise from the back of the closet and packed a few things, filled a small purse with money, and left. I walked over to the farm next door and asked if they would take care of our animals for a few weeks. Once I had arranged things, I was on my way.
I had a debt to pay.
So filled with anxiety, I felt pin pricks in my fingers as I took the coins from my velvet money purse to pay the man at the ticket booth in the train station.
With his thick black hair graying at the temples and pushed down under his hat, he asked me, "Where're ya going?'
"Petrograd," I answered.
Thinking to myself, (to the court of the Romanov's to find Grigori Rasputin).
Chapter Twelve…
I
n the wee hours of a frigid morning, on the 29th of December in the year of 1916, I arrived in Petrograd. After a long and exhausting journey, I was tired and famished. But I had a mission and would not rest until it was complete.
Before I left the train, with its foul odors and uncomfortable seats, I asked directions to the Winter Palace of the Romanovs. Carefully, I listened and committed to memory all that I heard. Then, disembarking onto the
Your father had so many friends; he had gone out of his way to help others as long as I had known him. And now people came to me with their condolences, but I couldn't hear them when they spoke. I longed to be alone. Even Hannah was no comfort to me.
Weeks passed and I did not eat, only drank alcohol, until in a drunken stupor, I slept. You tried to come to me, but I sent you away.
Hannah came to stay with us, but her own responsibilities forced her to go home. She begged me to go with her, but I wouldn't move from the bed I had shared with your father. Wisely she begged me to allow her to take you to her home, and I agreed.
For a few hours at a time, I would be fine. It would be as if nothing had happened, and then I would see something as simple as Jan's coat or his shoes and the pain would come over me with a vengeance. My mind drifted back to the strawberry patch when we first met. How I had taken him for a fool. Laughing bitterly to myself, I realized it was I who had been the fool, he was a gift from God to me.
When we were newly married, I remembered how he laughed and teased me as I braided garlic and hung it over our door to ward off evil spirits. When he saw how serious I was he stopped laughing and helped me to make the protective talisman. Jan, always so wise.
I buried my face in his clothes breathing deeply trying to suck every bit of essence left of him into my body. So great was my sorrow that I fell to the ground and cried out his name, over and over until I was hoarse and could no longer make any sound. All of my strength drained, I wept quietly.
Jan had been the only person who could ever pull me out of depths of my sadness, and now it was him that I grieved for. For the first time, I realized how much I had leaned on him. He had been my strength. Sheer exhaustion came over me and I slept.
Deeper than I had ever slept before. It was as if I had left this world for a while. Jan came to me in a dream and begged me not to give up. He implored me to be a mother to you. His face was as close as mine is to yours now. I believe he came from the other side to help me as he always had in life. I felt his touch, and the spicy fragrance of his skin filled the room. He would always be with me by my side in spirit guiding me as I walked through life until the time we would be together again. Waiting with open arms, he said, he would be there to catch me when my time came to leave this earth. His lips were warm and tender on mine, and for the first time since he died I was comforted.
When I awoke, I felt stronger and I made a decision. I would devote my life to raising you, but first I had something important that I needed to do.
I pulled the black valise from the back of the closet and packed a few things, filled a small purse with money, and left. I walked over to the farm next door and asked if they would take care of our animals for a few weeks. Once I had arranged things, I was on my way.
I had a debt to pay.
So filled with anxiety, I felt pin pricks in my fingers as I took the coins from my velvet money purse to pay the man at the ticket booth in the train station.
With his thick black hair graying at the temples and pushed down under his hat, he asked me, "Where're ya going?'
"Petrograd," I answered.
Thinking to myself, (to the court of the Romanov's to find Grigori Rasputin).
Chapter Twelve…
I
n the wee hours of a frigid morning, on the 29th of December in the year of 1916, I arrived in Petrograd. After a long and exhausting journey, I was tired and famished. But I had a mission and would not rest until it was complete.
Before I left the train, with its foul odors and uncomfortable seats, I asked directions to the Winter Palace of the Romanovs. Carefully, I listened and committed to memory all that I heard. Then, disembarking onto the
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