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Authors: Jaroslav Hašek
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lucky, you'll break your neck. If your luck's out, you'll just break all your ribs, arms and legs, and then it'll cost you a pretty penny in the hospital."
----
Mrs. Mûller burst into tears. Quietly she went into the bedroom, closed the window and came back, saying: "There's a dreadful draught from that window, and it wouldn't do your rheumatism any good, sir."
Then she went to make the bed, putting everything straight with unusual care. When she rejoined Schweik in the kitchen, she remarked with tears in her eyes : "Those two puppies, sir, that we kept in the yard, they've died. And the St. Bernard dog ran away when the police were searching the place."
"Holy Moses !" exclaimed Schweik. "He'll get himself into a nice mess. I'd bet anything he'll have the police after him."
"He did bite one police inspector, when he pulled him out from under the bed while they were looking round the place," continued Mrs. Muller. "It started this way : One of the gentlemen said that there was somebody under the bed and so they called on the St. Bernard in the name of the law to come out and when he wouldn't come, they pulled him out. So he snapped at them and bolted out through the door and he hasn't been back since. They asked me a lot of questions, too, about who comes here and whether we get any money from abroad, and then they started calling me names when I told them that money didn't come from abroad very often, but the last time it was from a gentleman at Brno who sent sixty crowns in advance for an Angora cat that you advertised about in the newspaper and instead of which you sent him a blind fox terrier puppy in a packing case. After that they talked to me as nice as could be and so as I shouldn't be scared at being left all alone here, they said I ought to take theporter from the night club as a lodger. You know, the one you sent about his business."
"I'm having a rough time with all these police officers, Mrs. Muller. I bet you won't see many people coming here to buy dogs now," sighed Schweik.
I do not know whether the gentleman who inspected the police records after the collapse of Austria could make anything of such items in the secret police funds as : B. 40 cr. F. 50 cr. M. 80 cr. etc., but they would be quite mistaken if they supposed that B, F and M are the initials of persons who for 40, 50 or 80 crowns betrayed the Czech nation to the Austrian eagle.
----
B. stands for St. Bernard, F. for fox terrier and M. for mastiff. All these dogs were taken by Bretschneider from Schweik to the police headquarters. They were hideous freaks which had nothing whatever in common with any of the pure breeds, as which Schweik foisted them off upon Bretschneider.
The St. Bernard was a cross between a mongrel poodle and a sort of dubious cur ; the fox terrier had the ears of a dachshund, was the size of a mastiff and had bandy legs as if it had suffered from rickets. The mastiff had a shaggy head resembling the jowl of a collie and lopped tail ; it was no taller than a dachshund, and was shorn behind.
Then Detective Kalous went there to buy a dog and he returned with a cowed monstrosity resembling a spotted hyena, with.the mane of a Scottish sheep dog, and to the items of the secret funds was added : R. 90 cr.
This monstrosity was supposed to be a retriever.
But not even Kalous managed to worm anything out of Schweik. He fared the same as Bretschneider. Schweik transferred the most skilful political conversation to the subject of how to cure distemper in puppies, and the only result produced by the most artfully contrived traps was that Schweik foisted off upon Bretschneider another incredibly cross-bred canine freak.
----
7.
Schweik Joins the Army.
While the forests by the river Raab in Galicia beheld the Austrian troops in full flight, and in Serbia the Austrian divisions, one by one, were receiving the drubbing they so richly deserved, the Austrian Ministry of War suddenly thought of Schweik as a possible means for helping
----
Mrs. Mûller burst into tears. Quietly she went into the bedroom, closed the window and came back, saying: "There's a dreadful draught from that window, and it wouldn't do your rheumatism any good, sir."
Then she went to make the bed, putting everything straight with unusual care. When she rejoined Schweik in the kitchen, she remarked with tears in her eyes : "Those two puppies, sir, that we kept in the yard, they've died. And the St. Bernard dog ran away when the police were searching the place."
"Holy Moses !" exclaimed Schweik. "He'll get himself into a nice mess. I'd bet anything he'll have the police after him."
"He did bite one police inspector, when he pulled him out from under the bed while they were looking round the place," continued Mrs. Muller. "It started this way : One of the gentlemen said that there was somebody under the bed and so they called on the St. Bernard in the name of the law to come out and when he wouldn't come, they pulled him out. So he snapped at them and bolted out through the door and he hasn't been back since. They asked me a lot of questions, too, about who comes here and whether we get any money from abroad, and then they started calling me names when I told them that money didn't come from abroad very often, but the last time it was from a gentleman at Brno who sent sixty crowns in advance for an Angora cat that you advertised about in the newspaper and instead of which you sent him a blind fox terrier puppy in a packing case. After that they talked to me as nice as could be and so as I shouldn't be scared at being left all alone here, they said I ought to take theporter from the night club as a lodger. You know, the one you sent about his business."
"I'm having a rough time with all these police officers, Mrs. Muller. I bet you won't see many people coming here to buy dogs now," sighed Schweik.
I do not know whether the gentleman who inspected the police records after the collapse of Austria could make anything of such items in the secret police funds as : B. 40 cr. F. 50 cr. M. 80 cr. etc., but they would be quite mistaken if they supposed that B, F and M are the initials of persons who for 40, 50 or 80 crowns betrayed the Czech nation to the Austrian eagle.
----
B. stands for St. Bernard, F. for fox terrier and M. for mastiff. All these dogs were taken by Bretschneider from Schweik to the police headquarters. They were hideous freaks which had nothing whatever in common with any of the pure breeds, as which Schweik foisted them off upon Bretschneider.
The St. Bernard was a cross between a mongrel poodle and a sort of dubious cur ; the fox terrier had the ears of a dachshund, was the size of a mastiff and had bandy legs as if it had suffered from rickets. The mastiff had a shaggy head resembling the jowl of a collie and lopped tail ; it was no taller than a dachshund, and was shorn behind.
Then Detective Kalous went there to buy a dog and he returned with a cowed monstrosity resembling a spotted hyena, with.the mane of a Scottish sheep dog, and to the items of the secret funds was added : R. 90 cr.
This monstrosity was supposed to be a retriever.
But not even Kalous managed to worm anything out of Schweik. He fared the same as Bretschneider. Schweik transferred the most skilful political conversation to the subject of how to cure distemper in puppies, and the only result produced by the most artfully contrived traps was that Schweik foisted off upon Bretschneider another incredibly cross-bred canine freak.
----
7.
Schweik Joins the Army.
While the forests by the river Raab in Galicia beheld the Austrian troops in full flight, and in Serbia the Austrian divisions, one by one, were receiving the drubbing they so richly deserved, the Austrian Ministry of War suddenly thought of Schweik as a possible means for helping
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