Read Online The Disappearance of Ember Crow by Ambelin Kwaymullina - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Ambelin Kwaymullina
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works, Ashala. The more you try to run away from it, the more you create what you’re afraid of. You need to learn to trust yourself with what you can do.”
Trust myself. As if it was that easy after Evan. The nightmare came back to me, the sound of voices screeching “monster”. I had something monstrous in me. The people I loved inexplicably didn’t see it. I did.
“How can I trust myself when I’m a killer?” I whispered.
He threw back his head and laughed.
“This isn’t funny, Connor!”
“I’m sorry,” he replied, sounding completely unapologetic. “But you’re not a killer, Ashala. And if anyone should know that, it’s me. I was raised to be one.”
I frowned, troubled that he’d still think of himself that way. Connor’s dad had tried to shape his son into a weapon aimed at the man responsible for Connor’s mother’s death – Terence Talbot, then the Prime of Gull City. Talbot had been an Assessor before he was Prime, and he’d botched an Assessment, scaring a Rumbler into starting a quake that had destroyed a large part of Connor’s home town. I knew that Connor probably
would
have killed Talbot if he hadn’t died of a stroke; he’d wanted revenge for this mother, and I understood that, all too well. But I also knew that Connor had never truly been a killer, in his heart. And he was nothing like his cruel, violent father.
“You’re not what your dad tried to make you.”
“I know.” He gave me his dazzling smile. “You showed me that, when we met and shared memories. I think you’re the only person in the world who could have seen my past and still looked at me as if I was …” He stopped, shrugged. “Someone you wanted in your Tribe. Someone you could love.”
“Of
course
I–”
“Ember didn’t agree with you. She thought I was dangerous.”
“She changed her mind about that.”
Sort of
.
“She was right, Ashala. Except all Illegals are dangerous. Not only because we have abilities but because we live in a world where to have an ability is to be feared.”
“So what?”
“So hurt people don’t always make the best decisions. But you’re the one who sees that we are each more than our pain.” He reached out to link his hands in mine. “You’re just not very good at doing it for yourself.”
Ember had said, on more than one occasion, that I changed people, simply by seeing the best of what they could be. But I wasn’t even sure I knew the best of what
I
could be. Whatever it was, I felt a long way away from it right now. “Connor, I don’t know … I can’t …”
“It’s all right.” He leaned in to press a kiss to my forehead, and stepped away. “Come on. You need to see the Tribe.”
The two of us made our way, hand in hand, through the cave system, with Nicky running alongside. We emerged into the cool morning air and made our way through the trees, angling up to the area everyone called the Overhang. It was a big flat area of granite, with another rock projecting over the top. The Tribe used it as a place to eat in autumn and spring when it was too wet to sit among the trees, but the weather wasn’t bad enough to keep us in the caves.
Everyone was there, gathered around a fire with steaming mugs of tea in their hands. Nicky bounded in and was greeted with hugs from the children. He settled with the other Tribe dogs, while I hung back a little. I was suddenly nervous at seeing everyone after I’d run away.
I needn’t have worried. They acted as if I’d never been gone. Georgie and Daniel made space for Connor and me to sit beside them, while Keiko poured tea from the pot bubbling on the fire and handed me a cup. Micah gave me a piece of bread he’d toasted on a stick over the flames, and Penelope passed me the pot of honey and a knife. I slapped honey on the toast, and into the tea to sweeten it, and began to eat.
Conversations rose and fell in a soothing, familiar rhythm. No one appeared to be paying any special attention to me. But my
Trust myself. As if it was that easy after Evan. The nightmare came back to me, the sound of voices screeching “monster”. I had something monstrous in me. The people I loved inexplicably didn’t see it. I did.
“How can I trust myself when I’m a killer?” I whispered.
He threw back his head and laughed.
“This isn’t funny, Connor!”
“I’m sorry,” he replied, sounding completely unapologetic. “But you’re not a killer, Ashala. And if anyone should know that, it’s me. I was raised to be one.”
I frowned, troubled that he’d still think of himself that way. Connor’s dad had tried to shape his son into a weapon aimed at the man responsible for Connor’s mother’s death – Terence Talbot, then the Prime of Gull City. Talbot had been an Assessor before he was Prime, and he’d botched an Assessment, scaring a Rumbler into starting a quake that had destroyed a large part of Connor’s home town. I knew that Connor probably
would
have killed Talbot if he hadn’t died of a stroke; he’d wanted revenge for this mother, and I understood that, all too well. But I also knew that Connor had never truly been a killer, in his heart. And he was nothing like his cruel, violent father.
“You’re not what your dad tried to make you.”
“I know.” He gave me his dazzling smile. “You showed me that, when we met and shared memories. I think you’re the only person in the world who could have seen my past and still looked at me as if I was …” He stopped, shrugged. “Someone you wanted in your Tribe. Someone you could love.”
“Of
course
I–”
“Ember didn’t agree with you. She thought I was dangerous.”
“She changed her mind about that.”
Sort of
.
“She was right, Ashala. Except all Illegals are dangerous. Not only because we have abilities but because we live in a world where to have an ability is to be feared.”
“So what?”
“So hurt people don’t always make the best decisions. But you’re the one who sees that we are each more than our pain.” He reached out to link his hands in mine. “You’re just not very good at doing it for yourself.”
Ember had said, on more than one occasion, that I changed people, simply by seeing the best of what they could be. But I wasn’t even sure I knew the best of what
I
could be. Whatever it was, I felt a long way away from it right now. “Connor, I don’t know … I can’t …”
“It’s all right.” He leaned in to press a kiss to my forehead, and stepped away. “Come on. You need to see the Tribe.”
The two of us made our way, hand in hand, through the cave system, with Nicky running alongside. We emerged into the cool morning air and made our way through the trees, angling up to the area everyone called the Overhang. It was a big flat area of granite, with another rock projecting over the top. The Tribe used it as a place to eat in autumn and spring when it was too wet to sit among the trees, but the weather wasn’t bad enough to keep us in the caves.
Everyone was there, gathered around a fire with steaming mugs of tea in their hands. Nicky bounded in and was greeted with hugs from the children. He settled with the other Tribe dogs, while I hung back a little. I was suddenly nervous at seeing everyone after I’d run away.
I needn’t have worried. They acted as if I’d never been gone. Georgie and Daniel made space for Connor and me to sit beside them, while Keiko poured tea from the pot bubbling on the fire and handed me a cup. Micah gave me a piece of bread he’d toasted on a stick over the flames, and Penelope passed me the pot of honey and a knife. I slapped honey on the toast, and into the tea to sweeten it, and began to eat.
Conversations rose and fell in a soothing, familiar rhythm. No one appeared to be paying any special attention to me. But my
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