Read Online The Disappearance of Ember Crow by Ambelin Kwaymullina - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Ambelin Kwaymullina
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looking sceptical.
“Okay,” I admitted. “I didn’t. But I didn’t Sleepwalk either. So it doesn’t mean anything.”
“You Sleepwalked. The third night you were with them.”
“I did not!”
“You came out of the den,” he said patiently, “and ran into the sky. You kept getting higher and higher – I was about to pull you to the ground when Pack Leader came out after you. He barked, and you went back to him.”
That was impossible. Except … I did have a vague memory of a dream when I’d been chasing after a glowing ball hanging high above me. The moon? I’d really wanted that ball, only before I could reach it, my big brother had called me inside to bed.
Pack Leader
. It hadn’t registered before that I’d been Sleepwalking; the whole experience had merged into my time as a wolf. But Connor had known.
“What were you doing there?” I asked.
He looked exasperated. “What do you
think
I was doing there?”
I stared down at my feet, and mumbled, “Making sure I was all right.”
“Yes. But I realised the wolves understood how to take care of you. And you returned to Pack Leader when he called – you could tell a friend from an enemy, so you weren’t having a nightmare.” He drew in a breath, and said, “Ashala. Why no bad dreams when you were with the pack?”
“I don’t know!”
But the knowledge was there. I could feel it, lurking beneath the surface of my consciousness. A truth that I didn’t want to face. Nicky came over to sit beside me, leaning against my leg, and I reached down to pat him. It dawned on me that I’d seen him as himself, in the nightmare, which was weird, because normally everything changed into something else when I Sleepwalked. I had no idea why he’d remained the same but I was glad he had. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known he was a friend, not in a nightmare where everything became twisted and askew. And Nicky had helped me. Like Pack Leader had helped me. Like Connor was trying to help me.
It really was about time I started helping myself.
“I guess I didn’t have bad dreams because I wasn’t responsible for anything, when I was with the wolves. I wasn’t in charge.”
“And that made you feel better. Because you don’t want to be the leader any more?”
“No. Because … because I’m not fit to be the leader.”
Connor nodded, as if that wasn’t a surprise. “You can’t let go of it. Evan’s death.”
“I
killed
him. I was Sleepwalking and I killed him and – no, I can’t let go of it.”
“He would have killed you. He did kill me.” His lips twitched. “For a while.”
I eyed him sourly. I didn’t find anything remotely amusing about him dying. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the shot from the streaker blazing up into the night sky. Connor had died, and I’d been left alone with Evan. He’d had the streaker pointed right at my head. I’d been at his mercy.
Except then I’d Sleepwalked, which should have been impossible, since I wasn’t sleeping. But when I got very upset I could go into what Ember called a “dissociative state”, which was enough like being asleep while awake for my ability to activate. It had only ever happened twice – after I’d lost Connor, and before that, when my little sister had died – and both times I’d been half crazy with grief and rage. “It’s not so much that I killed him,” I said softly. “It’s that I could probably have found another way to stop him, if I’d tried. I never tried. It didn’t even occur to me to try. Because I hated him, and I
wanted
him to suffer, for what he’d done to you.”
“And your ability has been malfunctioning ever since. You were angry and you struck out in anger, and I don’t think you were wrong, by the way. Now you’re so scared of doing it again that your ability’s going haywire.”
I worked my way through that. “Are you saying that I’m losing control, because I’m afraid of losing control?”
“That’s the way fear
“Okay,” I admitted. “I didn’t. But I didn’t Sleepwalk either. So it doesn’t mean anything.”
“You Sleepwalked. The third night you were with them.”
“I did not!”
“You came out of the den,” he said patiently, “and ran into the sky. You kept getting higher and higher – I was about to pull you to the ground when Pack Leader came out after you. He barked, and you went back to him.”
That was impossible. Except … I did have a vague memory of a dream when I’d been chasing after a glowing ball hanging high above me. The moon? I’d really wanted that ball, only before I could reach it, my big brother had called me inside to bed.
Pack Leader
. It hadn’t registered before that I’d been Sleepwalking; the whole experience had merged into my time as a wolf. But Connor had known.
“What were you doing there?” I asked.
He looked exasperated. “What do you
think
I was doing there?”
I stared down at my feet, and mumbled, “Making sure I was all right.”
“Yes. But I realised the wolves understood how to take care of you. And you returned to Pack Leader when he called – you could tell a friend from an enemy, so you weren’t having a nightmare.” He drew in a breath, and said, “Ashala. Why no bad dreams when you were with the pack?”
“I don’t know!”
But the knowledge was there. I could feel it, lurking beneath the surface of my consciousness. A truth that I didn’t want to face. Nicky came over to sit beside me, leaning against my leg, and I reached down to pat him. It dawned on me that I’d seen him as himself, in the nightmare, which was weird, because normally everything changed into something else when I Sleepwalked. I had no idea why he’d remained the same but I was glad he had. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known he was a friend, not in a nightmare where everything became twisted and askew. And Nicky had helped me. Like Pack Leader had helped me. Like Connor was trying to help me.
It really was about time I started helping myself.
“I guess I didn’t have bad dreams because I wasn’t responsible for anything, when I was with the wolves. I wasn’t in charge.”
“And that made you feel better. Because you don’t want to be the leader any more?”
“No. Because … because I’m not fit to be the leader.”
Connor nodded, as if that wasn’t a surprise. “You can’t let go of it. Evan’s death.”
“I
killed
him. I was Sleepwalking and I killed him and – no, I can’t let go of it.”
“He would have killed you. He did kill me.” His lips twitched. “For a while.”
I eyed him sourly. I didn’t find anything remotely amusing about him dying. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the shot from the streaker blazing up into the night sky. Connor had died, and I’d been left alone with Evan. He’d had the streaker pointed right at my head. I’d been at his mercy.
Except then I’d Sleepwalked, which should have been impossible, since I wasn’t sleeping. But when I got very upset I could go into what Ember called a “dissociative state”, which was enough like being asleep while awake for my ability to activate. It had only ever happened twice – after I’d lost Connor, and before that, when my little sister had died – and both times I’d been half crazy with grief and rage. “It’s not so much that I killed him,” I said softly. “It’s that I could probably have found another way to stop him, if I’d tried. I never tried. It didn’t even occur to me to try. Because I hated him, and I
wanted
him to suffer, for what he’d done to you.”
“And your ability has been malfunctioning ever since. You were angry and you struck out in anger, and I don’t think you were wrong, by the way. Now you’re so scared of doing it again that your ability’s going haywire.”
I worked my way through that. “Are you saying that I’m losing control, because I’m afraid of losing control?”
“That’s the way fear
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