Read Online Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg - Free Book Online

worried
 that they didn’t look enough like blue ice that’s blazing
     no, they’re–
you did a really good job
  they’re really nice
     well i wanted to do something special for his birthday
and it was either this or a switchblade
 and i figured everyone else was already getting him a switchblade
     right 
     what’s a guy gonna do with six switchblades, you know? 
     yeah 
     such a thing as too many switchblades
 anyhow i’m glad you think they’re good
     yeah 
     you want one? 
     oh
  i think i’m okay
     i can draw you one real fast
 it won’t take two minutes
     no i’m okay 
     i’ll draw you one just in case
his eyes look like blue ice
 blue ice!

     you awake? 
     yeah
  what’s wrong?
     i had that dream again 
     oh 
     that dream where i got the haircut
that was the worst day of my life, the day Johnny cut my hair
 remember?
     yeah i remember 
     if a guy doesn’t have his silky reddish-blonde hair
that’s just a little redder than Soda’s and swirls just right
 well what kind of a guy is he?
     i don’t know 
     plus it was real sad when Johnny died, too 
     yeah 
     died before his hair could even grow back 
     i remember 
     his hair looked terrible when he died
 i was embarrassed to even go to the funeral
     yeah me too 

The American Girl Series

     nellie
nellie why didnt u come to the hedge today
 to the lessons hedge )for lessons)
     I’m sorry, Miss Parkington
  I wasn’t able to get away in time and
     i was going to teach you more lessons
is this about my birthday party
 are u mad at me
     no Samantha… 
     because i told you
its not that youre not my friend
 you are my friend
     I’m glad to be your friend 
     u are just more of my FACTORY friend
and not really
 my “birthday party” friend
     I understand
I couldn’t get away from the mill
  that’s all
     guess how many kinds of ice cream we had 
     I don’t know 
     haha there are only three kinds of ice cream nellie
 everyone knows that
     I see 
     youve got a lot of lessons ahead of you nellie
ICE CREAM LESSONS
only we’re out of ice cream right now
because we ate so much
 (at my birthday party)

     Miss Felicity -
I must thank you for coming by last week to my hiding-place
the biscuits and canteen you brought were sorely needed
I know once I can enlist with the Patriots
I will be a burden to you no longer
I fear that before that day, however
I must trespass on your kindness one last time
and ask when you will return
as the water you so kindly brought me
ran out several days ago
and I am afraid to venture forth in daylight
  and this fetid swamp provides me with no relief
     BEN
 BEN I’M GETTING A PONY
     I congratulate you, Miss Felicity
that is wonderful news
Perhaps
perhaps it shall make the trip shorter
  when you do come again
     I will name her Penny!!! 
     for I have grown weak from thirst 
     She is the color of a penny
 is why I have chosen that name, Ben
     A good name, that
I trust I can keep my strength up
  long enough to see her myself
     I am going to brush her mane EVERY DAY 

     Harriet 
     Addy. 
     Mother wanted me to ask you
 if you’d like to go to the fair tomorrow with us
     Did she now 
     since we’ll be working at the same booth together
all afternoon
 Father’s offered to give us a ride in his wagon
     oh, his milk wagon? 
     yes
his milk wagon
He only has the one wagon
 you know that
     Like father like daughter I suppose
he only has one wagon
  and you only have one dress
     You can just say no, Harriet
if you don’t want to come with us
 you can just say no
     Addy
  do you even know how many dresses I have
     I’m sorry if I insulted you with my invitation
 you don’t have to come
     Addy
I have SEVEN dresses
I have a dress for every day of the week
  I have a dress for Monday
     look
forget I said anything
 I’ll see you tomorrow
     I have a dress for Tuesday
  on Wednesday I have a