Read Online Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg - Free Book Online Page A

different dress
     and on Thursday you have a fourth
 I get it
     do you though 
     I think I grasp the prinsiple of the thing 

     oh my God
  Addy Walker
     how DO you spell principle, Harriet?
is it with an S?
 or a C?
     you are going to be so sorry that you ever 
     Maybe we should ask a spelling expert
 Maybe we should ask someone who won
     that you EVER 
     a spelling
medal
for spelling the word principle correctly
I only have the one dress
which I pinned the spelling medal on
 so you can see the medal every day

The Baby-Sitters Club
     Hey Claudia
I know math is really tough for you
but even you should know
that two dollars an hour
for six hours
means we’re at least twelve dollars short
 of what should be in the treasury
     i know how much twelve is, Kristy
  and i didn’t take your stupid money
     look
all I’m saying
is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room
probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars
like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet
 appliqués
     yeah well
at least my dad still lives at home
unlike some people’s dads
  unlike your dad

     Kristy
Kristy? It’s Mallory
I hope you don’t mind my texting you
I had to get your number from Mary Anne
but she’s not around or something
I guess
I was just wondering if we had a meeting today?
 I’ll check with Stacey

     Kristy, Mrs. Dawes said that you never showed up on Friday
to babysit the girls
She had to cancel her plans
she’s really upset
  What’s going on with you lately?
     oh sorry
i probably just couldn’t hear the phone ring when she called
this mansion is sooooo big
 Watson’s mansion i mean
     I know which mansion you mean 
     my new dad Watson
who does live with us
 Claaaaaudia
     Claudia’s not here 
     i know
 i know that

     Hey Stacey!
It’s Mallory
do you know if we’re meeting today?
I heard Dawn mention something about it
but for some reason I can’t get a hold of anybody
let me know if this is the right number for you
might be an old number
I made brownie bars so I hope it’s today haha
i mean any time we meet is fine
it’s all fine with me
oh my god and the brownies have sugar in them
I swear to God I wasn’t thinking
 I’m really sorry, Stacey

     shit
shit
 claudia have you seen karen
     not lately 
     i can’t find her
 like she’s not in the house
     last i saw her
she was borrowing your glue gun to put rhinestones on her
  homework like i told her an hour ago
     well what have you been doing for the last hour then 
     i was enamelling
  what have YOU been doing for the last hour Stacey
     you know i don’t like you guys to watch me take my insulin shots 
     oh
  i didn’t know that’s what we were calling robbie brewster now
     CLAUDIA
i cannot believe you
oh my god
by the way did you give mallory my real phone number?
because that is not okay
i got like
 thirty texts from her this morning

Nancy Drew
     Nancy? Are you coming?
I’ve been waiting by the old oak in the park for almost an hour
I tried calling your father and he said you went out to the lake
with Bess and George
but Bess came back ages ago
I guess maybe you didn’t take your phone with you
anyhow the picnic is here
and I am here too
whenever you get here
no rush!
  I miss you
     oh Ned
I’m so sorry
but I am so close to figuring out who the jewel thieves are
I think it has something to do with the ghostly figure that
frightened Ms. Martin after the gala
and the twins are pretty sure they saw something out
 on the island
     what did they see? 
     oh
could be anything
jewels
or anything
 anyhow so it’s really important that I go sailing with them
     well
  if you really think it will help you solve the mystery
     oh absolutely
 couldn’t solve it without sailing
     just let me know when you get back
  maybe I can see you afterwards?
     i don’t know if i’ll have reception on the lake
 it’s really hard for cell phone signals to cross