Read Online Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg - Free Book Online Page B

running water so
     yeah I know
  hey I love you
     byyye 
     don’t you have anything to say back to me? 
     Ned you know I can’t talk openly when I’m on a case
 we don’t know who’s listening in
     right, right
of course
  sorry

     heyyyyy where are you right now 
     At home
  Why?
     do you think you could come get me? 
     are you tied up again? 
     i’m just over at the cave
 by the old mill
     so you’re tied up
  in a cave
     you know
 near the burned-down orphanage
     please just answer the question 
     you should probably bring some scissors with you 
     for the rope? 
     there appears to be some rope here, yes 
     are you tied up with it? 
     Ned look
it’s really hard for me to text with my hands all tied up like this
so please just stop asking so many questions and
 get over here ok

     Nancy!
Nancy I can see that’s you
it’s me
Ned
  I’m on the other side of the baccarat table
     You don’t have to let on that you know me if you’re working 
     I’m sorry
 who is this?
     Nancy, I can see that it’s you
  You’re just wearing bangs
     Please leave me alone
I am a troubled heiress who wants only to play baccarat
 and forget her troubles
     are you in disguise? 
     My only disguise are my troubles
is my troubles
 Please excuse the English
     who’s that man you’re with? 

     I’m sorry I wanted to follow the kidnappers into the cave, Ned 
     That’s all right 
     I really am sorry though 
     I know 
     I’m sorry we got tied up again 
     It’s okay 
     I’m can’t believe what they did to your face
 I had no idea they were so desperate
     I know 
     I really don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one 
     Me neither 
     this is worse than when we found out it was George who murdered Bess 
     God 
     remember that? 
     yeah I remember 
     that was horrible 
     it really was 

Atlas Shrugged
     happy birthday 
     Oh, Dag
  you remembered
     I got you something 
     you did?
  that’s so sweet
     I got you the greatest gift one human being can offer
 another person
     you didn’t have to do that
  what is it?
     I have achieved something 
     Oh, gosh 
     well I made an achievement all by myself and no one can
touch it or sully it with their dirty jealous fingers
and no one can take it away from me
never never never
so
 happy birthday
     thank you, Dagny 
     Yes.
 You’re welcome.

     COMMUNISM 
     what about Communism? 
     WATCH OUT FOR IT 
     all right 
     IT’S EVERYWHERE 
     all right 
     SO WATCH OUT 
     I will. 

     do you love me, Hank
really love me, I mean?
I love you, you know
I love the way you run the motor of the world
 I love you like a train
     Like a what? 
     it’s the highest and purest form of love there is, Hank
the love of a woman for a train
gosh but I love trains
that little whistle
the knowledge that you could roll merrily over any one of your enemies and crush their thick skulls with your harnessed steel-beasts
those hot little rolls they have in the dining car
 do we have any of those rolls left?
     I’ll find out 
     trains trains trains
 I do love em

     do you know who I just hate 
     who? 
     everybody
 everybody but us

     do you want to come over 
     right now? 
     yeah 
     all right 
     you know what we should do? 
     what? 
     you should just
stay over
 and we can go on strike
     on strike from what? 
     on strike from everybody
 because fuck em

     I don’t know if you noticed this
 but my shoulder was naked in my evening gown tonight
     I did see that 
     it was my gown’s only ornament, that naked shoulder 
     Very nice 
     well, also the diamond band
that was the other ornament I had on
so the shoulder was naked
 but my wrist had diamonds on it
     Right 
     did those diamonds make you think of chains
Chains are so terribly feminine, you know
 almost as feminine as a naked shoulder
     mm 
     Guess what
 my shoulder is naked right