could think of nothing else. She dug her mobile out of her bag and a piece of paper fell to the tiled floor. It was Daniel’s contact details, scribbled on the torn-off corner of an old envelope – one of many such pieces of scrap paper lying about Marjory’s chaotic kitchen. She grabbed it quickly and stuffed it back in her bag, but Lucy was putting the kettle on and didn’t notice.
‘It’s me,’ she said, unnecessarily, in response to Richard’s greeting. ‘Where are you? … oh, of course … no … yes, it was good … no … alright. See you later.’
Lucy looked questioningly at her as she ended the call.
‘I’d forgotten he had to speak at this conference thing. He says it went well but he’ll be late. Why don’t I do us an omelette? Or some scrambled eggs?’
‘It’s OK, Mum, I’ve eaten,’ Lucy answered. She gathered her stuff from the table. ‘I think I’ll go up now. Do some emails.’ She gave her mother a quick kiss. ‘’Night.’
‘Good night, darling. Sleep well.’
Annie was relieved to be alone and have a chance to run over the day’s events in peace. She replayed everything Daniel had said, wondering most about his adoptive mother. She couldn’t help feeling a twinge of envy for this unknown woman who had chosen to nurture her son. She had loved him. Nothing else matters, she told herself, ashamed of her envious thoughts.
There was some white wine in the fridge from the previous night. She poured herself a glass, reached for her phone and scrolled through to Daniel’s number.
Loved meeting you. Hope we can again
soon. Regards, Annie. X
She read it over and deleted the kiss. Then, for the next hour, she checked every few minutes to see if he had responded. But there was nothing. It reminded her yet again of being young and waiting for a boyfriend to call. She went to bed but couldn’t sleep, gradually convincing herself that she had not measured up to Daniel’s high standards of what a mother should be. She was relieved to hear her husband making his way upstairs.
‘How can we get them all together without telling them why?’
Richard, still half dressed in his shirt and boxers, frowned at her. ‘Ed can never do Saturdays, and you know what it’s like getting him to change those nightmare shifts. We’ll have to make it Sunday.’
‘Can’t we just say we want a family get-together?
That we haven’t had one for a long time. Something like that?’
‘But we have. We had one only a couple of weeks ago. To be honest I think Lucy’ll be relieved to know what the atmosphere’s been about.’
‘Maybe. She keeps giving me those intense looks of hers. You know the ones.’
Richard nodded and smiled as he put on his blue cotton pyjamas and climbed into bed. They lay side by side in the wide bed, not moving, saying nothing, like two stone effigies.
‘I’ll be glad to get it over with,’ Richard muttered.
‘Me too.’ She glanced at her husband. ‘Will they mind?’ Her stomach fluttered when she envisioned the three faces staring at her as she exposed her past.
‘Mind? I doubt it. It was before they were born. They’ll be surprised, but once they’ve got over the shock …’
Annie heard Richard’s reassuring words, but the young girl who had been berated by her mother for being a ‘slut’, for bringing shame on the family honour, for betraying her beloved father’s memory, came back to haunt her. It was the girl she was then, the girl who had given her baby away, not the mother they were so familiar with, who she’d be presenting to her children for the very first time. She hoped they’d understand.
What will it feel like, letting the secret go? she wondered. She had learnt repression at her mother’s knee. So well, that by the time she was grown up she was perfectly trainedto withstand her own emotions. Not speaking about Tom to the children had been second nature to her: a closed compartment in her mind. It was hard to imagine that compartment
‘It’s me,’ she said, unnecessarily, in response to Richard’s greeting. ‘Where are you? … oh, of course … no … yes, it was good … no … alright. See you later.’
Lucy looked questioningly at her as she ended the call.
‘I’d forgotten he had to speak at this conference thing. He says it went well but he’ll be late. Why don’t I do us an omelette? Or some scrambled eggs?’
‘It’s OK, Mum, I’ve eaten,’ Lucy answered. She gathered her stuff from the table. ‘I think I’ll go up now. Do some emails.’ She gave her mother a quick kiss. ‘’Night.’
‘Good night, darling. Sleep well.’
Annie was relieved to be alone and have a chance to run over the day’s events in peace. She replayed everything Daniel had said, wondering most about his adoptive mother. She couldn’t help feeling a twinge of envy for this unknown woman who had chosen to nurture her son. She had loved him. Nothing else matters, she told herself, ashamed of her envious thoughts.
There was some white wine in the fridge from the previous night. She poured herself a glass, reached for her phone and scrolled through to Daniel’s number.
Loved meeting you. Hope we can again
soon. Regards, Annie. X
She read it over and deleted the kiss. Then, for the next hour, she checked every few minutes to see if he had responded. But there was nothing. It reminded her yet again of being young and waiting for a boyfriend to call. She went to bed but couldn’t sleep, gradually convincing herself that she had not measured up to Daniel’s high standards of what a mother should be. She was relieved to hear her husband making his way upstairs.
‘How can we get them all together without telling them why?’
Richard, still half dressed in his shirt and boxers, frowned at her. ‘Ed can never do Saturdays, and you know what it’s like getting him to change those nightmare shifts. We’ll have to make it Sunday.’
‘Can’t we just say we want a family get-together?
That we haven’t had one for a long time. Something like that?’
‘But we have. We had one only a couple of weeks ago. To be honest I think Lucy’ll be relieved to know what the atmosphere’s been about.’
‘Maybe. She keeps giving me those intense looks of hers. You know the ones.’
Richard nodded and smiled as he put on his blue cotton pyjamas and climbed into bed. They lay side by side in the wide bed, not moving, saying nothing, like two stone effigies.
‘I’ll be glad to get it over with,’ Richard muttered.
‘Me too.’ She glanced at her husband. ‘Will they mind?’ Her stomach fluttered when she envisioned the three faces staring at her as she exposed her past.
‘Mind? I doubt it. It was before they were born. They’ll be surprised, but once they’ve got over the shock …’
Annie heard Richard’s reassuring words, but the young girl who had been berated by her mother for being a ‘slut’, for bringing shame on the family honour, for betraying her beloved father’s memory, came back to haunt her. It was the girl she was then, the girl who had given her baby away, not the mother they were so familiar with, who she’d be presenting to her children for the very first time. She hoped they’d understand.
What will it feel like, letting the secret go? she wondered. She had learnt repression at her mother’s knee. So well, that by the time she was grown up she was perfectly trainedto withstand her own emotions. Not speaking about Tom to the children had been second nature to her: a closed compartment in her mind. It was hard to imagine that compartment
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