car crunched over the gravel.
‘She wouldn’t be happy anywhere else.’
‘I know, but what if she has a fall or something?’
‘Marjory would shoot herself if she had to hang out with some dodgy carer referring to her as ‘we’ all the time … Do we need a little nap now? You know the sort of thing.’
She nodded, but her thoughts were elsewhere as she negotiated the lanes to the main road and she didn’t answer.
‘Well, he’s definitely the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in decades,’ she heard Jamie say. ‘Fancy waiting thirty-five years and then finding a son so handsome and clever. I mean he could have been a dog.’
‘You’re so shallow! Although he was beautiful, wasn’t he?’
‘Gorgeous!’ Jamie repeated, and she realised he was probably a little drunk. ‘So, come on. What did it feel like?’
‘It was …’ She stopped, unable to find the words to describe what had happened.
‘Did he seem like your son? I mean, did you sense a link to the baby? Or was it like being with some random stranger?’
‘He looked so like Uncle Terence that I couldn’t help feeling the family connection. But it was hard to believe after all this time that he was really Tom.’
She drove in silence for a while, the headlights of the oncoming cars almost hypnotic in the gathering dusk.
‘Did he ask the dreaded question?’
‘Why I’d given him away?’
Jamie nodded.
‘No, but I half told him anyway. Not the details – he didn’t ask. He wanted to know if I had other children. And he asked a lot about his father, which of course I couldn’t tell him. I suppose I can tell him next time.’
‘Maybe he didn’t want to face the rejection thing,’ Jamie suggested.
‘Maybe. But it wasn’t personal.’
Jamie snorted. ‘I’d say it was highly personal!’
‘No, you’ve missed my point. It wasn’t personal enough. At the time, although I couldn’t help loving him, I don’t think I allowed myself to think of him as a real person, as my son. I only thought about him as something gettingin the way of the life that had been prescribed for me. Seeing him today, so obviously my flesh and blood, brought it home to me that we’ve been separate his whole life because I refused to properly acknowledge him. I could only see him as Mother did: a problem that needed sweeping under the carpet.’ She paused. ‘Of course it hit me later, but by then it was way too late.’
‘I know what you’re saying, but we can’t second-guess how he feels about it.’
‘I’d be angry, if it was me.’
‘Please … I think we’ve done the blame thing, darling.’
‘OK, OK, easy for you to say.’ She glanced across at her friend. ‘Well, next step, telling the others.’
But oddly, now she’d met him, she knew this would be easier. She would be telling them about a living, breathing presence called Daniel Gray, not the shifting memory of a tiny baby.
‘Where have you been, Mum?’ Lucy jumped up as her mother came down the stairs to the kitchen. ‘It’s after nine. I called your mobile hours ago, and Dad’s. Neither of you were answering. I thought something had happened.’
Annie gave her a brief hug before sitting down at the table. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, it must have been off. I was with Jamie, we went to visit Marjory Best and you know how it is when Marjory and I get together. I did tell you.’
‘Oh, yes. You did. I forgot. Did you have a good time?’
She looked relieved, but Annie felt Daniel’s presence hovering between them. She hated lying to Lucy, and her guilt drove her to a sudden urge to reveal all then and there, not waiting for the others. But she held herself together and fought down the instinct.
‘Isn’t Dad home?’
‘I haven’t seen him all day. Are you OK, Mum? You look really pale.’
‘Do I? It’s a long old drive back from that bit of Kent.’ She paused. ‘I’ll give your dad a try.’ It was something to do. Her head was still bursting with Daniel; she
‘She wouldn’t be happy anywhere else.’
‘I know, but what if she has a fall or something?’
‘Marjory would shoot herself if she had to hang out with some dodgy carer referring to her as ‘we’ all the time … Do we need a little nap now? You know the sort of thing.’
She nodded, but her thoughts were elsewhere as she negotiated the lanes to the main road and she didn’t answer.
‘Well, he’s definitely the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in decades,’ she heard Jamie say. ‘Fancy waiting thirty-five years and then finding a son so handsome and clever. I mean he could have been a dog.’
‘You’re so shallow! Although he was beautiful, wasn’t he?’
‘Gorgeous!’ Jamie repeated, and she realised he was probably a little drunk. ‘So, come on. What did it feel like?’
‘It was …’ She stopped, unable to find the words to describe what had happened.
‘Did he seem like your son? I mean, did you sense a link to the baby? Or was it like being with some random stranger?’
‘He looked so like Uncle Terence that I couldn’t help feeling the family connection. But it was hard to believe after all this time that he was really Tom.’
She drove in silence for a while, the headlights of the oncoming cars almost hypnotic in the gathering dusk.
‘Did he ask the dreaded question?’
‘Why I’d given him away?’
Jamie nodded.
‘No, but I half told him anyway. Not the details – he didn’t ask. He wanted to know if I had other children. And he asked a lot about his father, which of course I couldn’t tell him. I suppose I can tell him next time.’
‘Maybe he didn’t want to face the rejection thing,’ Jamie suggested.
‘Maybe. But it wasn’t personal.’
Jamie snorted. ‘I’d say it was highly personal!’
‘No, you’ve missed my point. It wasn’t personal enough. At the time, although I couldn’t help loving him, I don’t think I allowed myself to think of him as a real person, as my son. I only thought about him as something gettingin the way of the life that had been prescribed for me. Seeing him today, so obviously my flesh and blood, brought it home to me that we’ve been separate his whole life because I refused to properly acknowledge him. I could only see him as Mother did: a problem that needed sweeping under the carpet.’ She paused. ‘Of course it hit me later, but by then it was way too late.’
‘I know what you’re saying, but we can’t second-guess how he feels about it.’
‘I’d be angry, if it was me.’
‘Please … I think we’ve done the blame thing, darling.’
‘OK, OK, easy for you to say.’ She glanced across at her friend. ‘Well, next step, telling the others.’
But oddly, now she’d met him, she knew this would be easier. She would be telling them about a living, breathing presence called Daniel Gray, not the shifting memory of a tiny baby.
‘Where have you been, Mum?’ Lucy jumped up as her mother came down the stairs to the kitchen. ‘It’s after nine. I called your mobile hours ago, and Dad’s. Neither of you were answering. I thought something had happened.’
Annie gave her a brief hug before sitting down at the table. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, it must have been off. I was with Jamie, we went to visit Marjory Best and you know how it is when Marjory and I get together. I did tell you.’
‘Oh, yes. You did. I forgot. Did you have a good time?’
She looked relieved, but Annie felt Daniel’s presence hovering between them. She hated lying to Lucy, and her guilt drove her to a sudden urge to reveal all then and there, not waiting for the others. But she held herself together and fought down the instinct.
‘Isn’t Dad home?’
‘I haven’t seen him all day. Are you OK, Mum? You look really pale.’
‘Do I? It’s a long old drive back from that bit of Kent.’ She paused. ‘I’ll give your dad a try.’ It was something to do. Her head was still bursting with Daniel; she
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