Read Online Swim the Fly by Don Calame - Free Book Online Page B

damage control as fast as possible.
    I lock the door, lift my dress, and step out of my underpants before all is lost. I take a seat on the toilet and release the hell hounds. It’s the worst case of the sputters I’ve ever had.
    It’s lucky I’m not wearing regular old loose boxers or things might be beyond repair. My tighter boxer-briefs have kept most of the evil contained. It’s nothing I can’t deal with. Things will be all right. I just need a few minutes.
    Someone comes into the bathroom and starts gagging. “Jesus.” The voice is muffled like the woman is speaking through a cupped hand. I hear her turn and leave. Thank God.
    I’ve been breathing through my mouth ever since I got the first whiff, but I know that the smell is toxic, because I can taste it and I have to use everything in my power not to puke.
    My initial thought is to put my underwear in the garbage, but I’m afraid that will foul the entire locker room and ruin our chances at seeing Mandy.
    It’s probably best if I just flush everything, briefs and all. That way the evidence will be gone and the air will eventually clear.
    I stand up, lift my fully loaded shorts, and plop the whole filthy package into the bowl. I flush the toilet with my sandaled foot, and everything starts to swirl around and down and I thank God I’m rid of it.
    I reach down and grab some toilet paper to start cleaning myself up, but it’s the really thin, cheap kind and the roll is jammed into the holder so the tissue keeps breaking off into tiny half sheets. It takes some effort to unfurl a wad that’s big enough to be of any use.
    As I’m wiping up, I notice that the murky brown water in the toilet is still whirlpooling. It’s spinning around and around, but it’s no longer going down. In fact, it’s rising. And fast. Before I know what’s happening, the water completely fills the bowl and starts cascading over the rim. I hurl my muddied mass of toilet paper at the swell but it just floats over the edge like a barrel over Niagara Falls.
    I haven’t even come close to finishing the cleanup,but there’s no time. I whip around, unlatch the lock, and tear open the door.
    The dark water bleeds out of my stall and into the others. It won’t be long before the entire bathroom is flooded. I bolt out of there with a who-me? quick-stride and then weave my way back through the lockers.
    When I reach the guys, Sean and Coop are waiting on the benches.
    “What took you?” Sean asks in a hushed tone. He glances at his girl watch. “Mandy’ll be here, like, any second.”
    “We have to go,” I say, sneaking a look over my shoulder. “Now.”
    “Christ, what’s that stink?” Coop says, covering his mouth and nose with the crook of his elbow.
    I’m about to say something, but I don’t get the chance.
    “Overflow!” a girl yells, sprinting by us, holding her nose.
    The brown water has seeped from the bathroom and is now puddling out over the locker-room floor.
    Sean scowls at me. “What did you do?”
    “I’ll tell you later,” I say through clenched teeth. “Let’s just leave.”
    There are screams and shrieks and splattering footsteps as the girls from the tae kwon do class bolt right past us. Mandy Reagan is the last to run by. I’d forgotten just how big her breasts are and how absolutely gorgeous she is.
    “Goddamn it,” Sean says, slapping the bench and standing up.
    We hightail it out of the locker room just as three staff members wielding a plunger, a toilet snake, and a giant wrench storm by in the opposite direction.
    Outside, we slog toward home, the fog of disappointment surrounding us. I give Coop and Sean the short version of what happened, leaving out a few of the more embarrassing details.
    “I’m really sorry,” I mumble, surreptitiously pulling the back of my dress away from my sticky butt.
    “Don’t sweat it.” Coop claps me on the shoulder and laughs. “It’s pretty friggin’ funny, dude.”
    “You won’t be saying that