Read Online Love and Lists (Chocoholics) by Tara Sivec - Free Book Online
Authors: Tara Sivec
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on the list.”
Drew reaches into the bag he brought with him and begins pulling out various items: a blender, a wheel of Vermont Cheddar cheese, and a jock strap are the first to land on my desk.
“Eeeew, that’s … no. No that is not on the list, nor will it ever be,” I reply with a shudder.
“It should really be on the list Gavin,” Aunt Jenny tells me seriously.
“What the hell does a blender and cheese have to do with my sex life?” I ask, picking up the wheel of cheese from my desk and turning it over in my hands.
Uncle Drew quickly grabs it from me and sets it back down. “All in good time, little asshole. Leave the cheese alone. It needs to stay at room temperature.”
He continues pulling other items out of the bag that I really don’t even want to know what they’re going to be used for. Seriously? A small United States flag on a stick and a potted fern?
“Tell me you at least have something with role-playing on there?” Uncle Drew puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t think that needs to be on the list. The last time we played with rolls you got a yeast infection in your eye,” Aunt Jenny reminds him.
“Seriously? That can happen?” I ask Uncle Drew.
“You are never to speak of my yeast infection again,” he warns me before turning around to look at Aunt Jenny. “And, honey, I’m not talking about that night with the tubes of Pillsbury dough. I’m talking about the Brady Bunch thing. Where I’m Greg and you’re Marsha and you accidentally touch my penis at the dinner table while Alice serves us spaghetti.”
I’m going to throw up. It’s happening right now.
“Oh, I don’t like that one. The blow-up doll we use as Alice looks at me funny. I think she’s judging me,” Aunt Jenny complains.
“Yeah, Alice is kind of a bitch. I’ll blindfold her next time. Anyhoo, give me the list. I need to make sure you know what you’re doing,” Uncle Drew demands.
“Really, it’s not necessary. I’ve got it under control.”
Uncle Drew laughs and shakes his head at me. “You’ve puked in front of her, wrapped your schlong in a bow, and showed it to the entire city. You don’t have it under control. What we have here is a failure to know what the fuck you’re doing when it comes to chicks.”
Getting up from my desk, he walks over to the dry erase board on my wall and uncaps a marker. He writes moist folds in big, black letters across the top.
“Oh my God, erase that,” I complain.
“Fuck your mother, I’m not erasing it. This is important,” Uncle Drew says before writing role-playing right underneath it.
“What temperature is your ball sack running at now?” he asks, turning around and narrowing his eyes at me.
“What? I don’t know. Why are you asking me this?”
“Dude, to effectively produce sperm, your testicles need to be at least two degrees cooler than your core temperature. You should ice those little nuggets.”
Is this really happening right now?
“Or he could just stick a pair of sunglasses on his little balls. That would be cute!” Aunt Jenny laughs and claps her hands together in glee.
“Ha-ha, totally! A little pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses and a bonnet for his un-fucking-cool testicles,” Uncle Drew adds with a laugh.
“Can we please stop talking about my testicles?”
“You’re such a buzz kill, dude. Okay, next. Gag the groin ferret,” he states.
“I have no idea what that means,” I complain, watching him write the words on the board.
“Um, hello? Whack off, gag the groin ferret, spank the monkey, bludgeoning the beefsteak, corralling the tadpoles, tweaking the toucan. You should be doing it at least eight to twelve times a day at this point.”
I wince thinking about how I spent my evening after the ribbon cutting ceremony. I’m pretty sure I will never jerk off again.
“Can I bring out the condoms and banana now? Pretty please?” Aunt Jenny begs.
“I know how to put a condom on.
Drew reaches into the bag he brought with him and begins pulling out various items: a blender, a wheel of Vermont Cheddar cheese, and a jock strap are the first to land on my desk.
“Eeeew, that’s … no. No that is not on the list, nor will it ever be,” I reply with a shudder.
“It should really be on the list Gavin,” Aunt Jenny tells me seriously.
“What the hell does a blender and cheese have to do with my sex life?” I ask, picking up the wheel of cheese from my desk and turning it over in my hands.
Uncle Drew quickly grabs it from me and sets it back down. “All in good time, little asshole. Leave the cheese alone. It needs to stay at room temperature.”
He continues pulling other items out of the bag that I really don’t even want to know what they’re going to be used for. Seriously? A small United States flag on a stick and a potted fern?
“Tell me you at least have something with role-playing on there?” Uncle Drew puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t think that needs to be on the list. The last time we played with rolls you got a yeast infection in your eye,” Aunt Jenny reminds him.
“Seriously? That can happen?” I ask Uncle Drew.
“You are never to speak of my yeast infection again,” he warns me before turning around to look at Aunt Jenny. “And, honey, I’m not talking about that night with the tubes of Pillsbury dough. I’m talking about the Brady Bunch thing. Where I’m Greg and you’re Marsha and you accidentally touch my penis at the dinner table while Alice serves us spaghetti.”
I’m going to throw up. It’s happening right now.
“Oh, I don’t like that one. The blow-up doll we use as Alice looks at me funny. I think she’s judging me,” Aunt Jenny complains.
“Yeah, Alice is kind of a bitch. I’ll blindfold her next time. Anyhoo, give me the list. I need to make sure you know what you’re doing,” Uncle Drew demands.
“Really, it’s not necessary. I’ve got it under control.”
Uncle Drew laughs and shakes his head at me. “You’ve puked in front of her, wrapped your schlong in a bow, and showed it to the entire city. You don’t have it under control. What we have here is a failure to know what the fuck you’re doing when it comes to chicks.”
Getting up from my desk, he walks over to the dry erase board on my wall and uncaps a marker. He writes moist folds in big, black letters across the top.
“Oh my God, erase that,” I complain.
“Fuck your mother, I’m not erasing it. This is important,” Uncle Drew says before writing role-playing right underneath it.
“What temperature is your ball sack running at now?” he asks, turning around and narrowing his eyes at me.
“What? I don’t know. Why are you asking me this?”
“Dude, to effectively produce sperm, your testicles need to be at least two degrees cooler than your core temperature. You should ice those little nuggets.”
Is this really happening right now?
“Or he could just stick a pair of sunglasses on his little balls. That would be cute!” Aunt Jenny laughs and claps her hands together in glee.
“Ha-ha, totally! A little pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses and a bonnet for his un-fucking-cool testicles,” Uncle Drew adds with a laugh.
“Can we please stop talking about my testicles?”
“You’re such a buzz kill, dude. Okay, next. Gag the groin ferret,” he states.
“I have no idea what that means,” I complain, watching him write the words on the board.
“Um, hello? Whack off, gag the groin ferret, spank the monkey, bludgeoning the beefsteak, corralling the tadpoles, tweaking the toucan. You should be doing it at least eight to twelve times a day at this point.”
I wince thinking about how I spent my evening after the ribbon cutting ceremony. I’m pretty sure I will never jerk off again.
“Can I bring out the condoms and banana now? Pretty please?” Aunt Jenny begs.
“I know how to put a condom on.
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