Read Online Love and Lists (Chocoholics) by Tara Sivec - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Tara Sivec
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There’s no need for that,” I tell her with a roll of my eyes.
“Are you sure about that? Last I heard, you were using them as balloons,” Uncle Drew says with a laugh.
“Oh my God, I was FOUR when that happened. It stopped being funny twenty years ago!” I complain.
“I just thought of another one, Drew. Make sure you do hallucinogenics before and after sex. You don’t want your muscles tightening up on you,” Aunt Jenny explains.
“Are you saying I should take drugs to have sex with Charlotte? I don’t even understand what is going on right now.”
Uncle Drew shakes his head at both of us before turning back to the board.
“She means calisthenics. Although a little pot might be just the ticket for you. If you get really stoned, it won’t even matter that you have a small penis and have no idea how to please a woman,” he says with a laugh.
“Fuck off, old man. I don’t have a small penis. And I know how to please a woman,” I fire back.
“Really? Quick, what are the ten erogenous zones on a woman? GO!” he shouts.
“I love when Drew touches my erroneous zones,” Aunt Jenny says with a sigh.
Ignoring her, I run through every article I’ve ever read in a magazine or online. “GAAAAH! Fuck! Um, neck, lips, feet, inner thighs—”
“BZZZZZZZZZZ. WRONG, FUCKER!” Drew interrupts.
“What? Those were totally right. And I wasn’t done yet,” I argue.
“Those are wrong. Want to know what the ten erogenous zones on a woman are? Number one: vagina. Number two: it doesn’t fucking matter if you’re touching her vagina right!” Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.”
I give him the finger before he turns back to the board and begins scribbling furiously.
“Jenny, get the lawn darts and the graham crackers out of your bag. We’re sending Gavin back to Sex-Ed. By the time we’re done with you, Charlotte will be eating out of your hand. Literally. Jenny does this awesome thing with Nutella and a lint brush that will blow your mind.”
Before my aunt and uncle walked into my office today, I had sworn off the list that Tyler and I made, vowing to never look at it again. Right now, that list is looking better and better.
The only way to forget everything I saw today is to bleach my eyes. But that really isn’t an option since I’d still like to be able to look at Charlotte. Instead, I’m getting drunk.
“You know what word isn’t used enough in the English language? Anal glands.”
I nod in agreement, not even really paying attention to Tyler since I’m currently staring at Charlotte across the bar. She’s so pretty and nice and pretty.
“I shouldn’t have had that last shot of Crown. I can’t feel my chalk,” Tyler mumbles.
I haven’t talked to Charlotte since Viagragate 2013 last week. She’s been busy job hunting, and I’ve been busy being mortified. I knew she’d be here at this bar tonight because we’ve been coming to Fosters every Saturday night for as long as I can remember. My mom used to bartend here back when I was little, and the same couple still own the bar. Mr. and Mrs. Foster are in their seventies. They always let us drink for free and constantly ask us if we want to play P.O.R.N. I have no idea why they always ask that, and frankly, I don’t want to know. Tyler swears that one of these times he’s going to take them up on their offer because he thinks they’ll take him into the backroom and show him their secret stash of old people porn.
All the alcohol I’ve consumed tonight hasn’t erased my fear that I don’t know how to please a woman. One sexual experience does not a master make. Ha! That rhymes with masturbate! Which I’m never doing again. What was I saying? Oh, yeah … I know how to power up a Jack Rabbit and make a woman come three times within a minute, in theory. But what if I actually get the chance to be with Charlotte and I suck balls?
Not that I would suck balls. There shouldn’t
“Are you sure about that? Last I heard, you were using them as balloons,” Uncle Drew says with a laugh.
“Oh my God, I was FOUR when that happened. It stopped being funny twenty years ago!” I complain.
“I just thought of another one, Drew. Make sure you do hallucinogenics before and after sex. You don’t want your muscles tightening up on you,” Aunt Jenny explains.
“Are you saying I should take drugs to have sex with Charlotte? I don’t even understand what is going on right now.”
Uncle Drew shakes his head at both of us before turning back to the board.
“She means calisthenics. Although a little pot might be just the ticket for you. If you get really stoned, it won’t even matter that you have a small penis and have no idea how to please a woman,” he says with a laugh.
“Fuck off, old man. I don’t have a small penis. And I know how to please a woman,” I fire back.
“Really? Quick, what are the ten erogenous zones on a woman? GO!” he shouts.
“I love when Drew touches my erroneous zones,” Aunt Jenny says with a sigh.
Ignoring her, I run through every article I’ve ever read in a magazine or online. “GAAAAH! Fuck! Um, neck, lips, feet, inner thighs—”
“BZZZZZZZZZZ. WRONG, FUCKER!” Drew interrupts.
“What? Those were totally right. And I wasn’t done yet,” I argue.
“Those are wrong. Want to know what the ten erogenous zones on a woman are? Number one: vagina. Number two: it doesn’t fucking matter if you’re touching her vagina right!” Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.”
I give him the finger before he turns back to the board and begins scribbling furiously.
“Jenny, get the lawn darts and the graham crackers out of your bag. We’re sending Gavin back to Sex-Ed. By the time we’re done with you, Charlotte will be eating out of your hand. Literally. Jenny does this awesome thing with Nutella and a lint brush that will blow your mind.”
Before my aunt and uncle walked into my office today, I had sworn off the list that Tyler and I made, vowing to never look at it again. Right now, that list is looking better and better.
The only way to forget everything I saw today is to bleach my eyes. But that really isn’t an option since I’d still like to be able to look at Charlotte. Instead, I’m getting drunk.
“You know what word isn’t used enough in the English language? Anal glands.”
I nod in agreement, not even really paying attention to Tyler since I’m currently staring at Charlotte across the bar. She’s so pretty and nice and pretty.
“I shouldn’t have had that last shot of Crown. I can’t feel my chalk,” Tyler mumbles.
I haven’t talked to Charlotte since Viagragate 2013 last week. She’s been busy job hunting, and I’ve been busy being mortified. I knew she’d be here at this bar tonight because we’ve been coming to Fosters every Saturday night for as long as I can remember. My mom used to bartend here back when I was little, and the same couple still own the bar. Mr. and Mrs. Foster are in their seventies. They always let us drink for free and constantly ask us if we want to play P.O.R.N. I have no idea why they always ask that, and frankly, I don’t want to know. Tyler swears that one of these times he’s going to take them up on their offer because he thinks they’ll take him into the backroom and show him their secret stash of old people porn.
All the alcohol I’ve consumed tonight hasn’t erased my fear that I don’t know how to please a woman. One sexual experience does not a master make. Ha! That rhymes with masturbate! Which I’m never doing again. What was I saying? Oh, yeah … I know how to power up a Jack Rabbit and make a woman come three times within a minute, in theory. But what if I actually get the chance to be with Charlotte and I suck balls?
Not that I would suck balls. There shouldn’t
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