Read Online Suburgatory by Linda Keenan - Free Book Online Page B

don’t really think they hate me because I’m Muslim. But I couldn’t really blame them if they did. Because I definitely hate them because they’re American.”

    Wolf Blitzer—
Live From the Lactation Room
    Suburgatory, USA—This is Wolf Blitzer. And you’re in . . . the Lactation Room. We have a situation developing in the Lactation Room at the Unum Provident office building today, as two mothers battle over their degree of virtue and commitment to pumping breast milk for their babies.
    Jill Branson is trying to convince Susan Markle to “tough it out,” “don’t be a quitter,” and “remember all the troubles formula-fed babies have,” as Susan struggles to produce enough breast milk. For those of you unfamiliar with the process—as I was before I discovered this oasis of feminine splendor—working mothers use electric pumps and then store their breast milk for their babies to drink later. We go to the fight playing out live.

    Jill: Breast-feeding for me has been excruciating, bloody, and by far, the most important and life-fulfilling job I’ve ever had. I know it’s a gift that I’m able to do this. Susan’s wavering commitment is an insult to those who can’t breast-feed at all, even though most women can, if they try hard enough, and care enough.
    Susan: Like Wolf? He can’t breast-feed. What if he was a gay man? He and his husband couldn’t breast-feed.
    Wolf: Ladies and gentlemen watching out there at home, to clarify, I am not gay.
    Jill: Well, gay Wolf and his partner could get donated milk. I’d donate to them! But really, I’m most interested in women and what women are capable of doing.
    Susan: Of course you are! Wait, you think people would just take your milk, no questions asked? Isn’t that like letting your kid have unprotected sex with a stranger? Hey, why is Wolf Blitzer in the Lactation Room with us?
    Wolf: Because I’m a breast man. I told you I wasn’t gay.
    Jill: Wolf, my breasts are for my baby.
    Wolf: Sorry, Jill. I’m not made of stone.
    Jill: Well, anyway, I nursed through multiple nipple cracks and nipple psoriasis, thrush, a kidney infection, an abscess, a shattered elbow, major surgery with my first son, and a ruptured appendix. I don’t think anything can stop me from breast-feeding. I willed every last damn drop out of my body.
    Susan: Why don’t you take up another kind of competition that will pit you against other women, like a marathon? Women’s roller derby? Probably get some gore there to brag about, too.
    Jill: I’m not competing with you! I just want what’s best for your child!
    Susan: You don’t even know my last name! THAT’S IT! I’m going up to the roof to SMOKE. Did you hear that, Jill? Going to report me to protective services? Michelle Obama?
    Wolf: While the First Lady is a vocal supporter of breast-feeding, I should note that the President himself struggles with smoking.
    Susan: WhatEVER Wolf, what are you really adding here?

    Ladies, I will add that, like the First Lady, I’m also a big supporter of breast-feeding whenever and wherever a beautiful, luscious, ripe new mother chooses to do so. And if you’re done pumping, my work here is done. I’m Wolf Blitzer, and you’ve just been in . . . the Lactation Room.

    Mom Unaware of Two American Wars
    Suburgatory, USA—An area mom is unaware of two American wars fought over the last ten years.
    â€œHuh? What are you talking about?” asked Carol Stewart. “And I can’t talk for long, I’ve got Tommy’s soccer pickup at 3:30 p.m., have to swing back and pick up Sarah from Mindy’s house, then get all of us to the store. Jesus, that sounds like absolute hell, doesn’t it?”
    This reporter explained to her that 9/11 had led to a “war on terror” that still has US servicemen and women in harm’s way in both Iraq