Read Online Suburgatory by Linda Keenan - Free Book Online

had no clue I was calling her a moron. She just kept going ‘uh-huh, uh-huh,’ and ‘wow, that’s so interesting!’, which is all she says when we actually try to give her theWord of Wisdom. One day she kept calling Joseph Smith, Robert Smith. Remember that, comp?” Cason said, “Yeah, because she loves that old creepy bandThe Cure. Man she is so old.” Buck agreed. “So so SOOOO old.”
    On this day, Ballante welcomed the boys in and said, “You’re just in time for ‘Hot Topics!’” referring to the topical portion of the show The View, which they frequently watch with her. “I thought they would like Elisabeth [Hasselbeck]. She’s all religious like them. But they don’t seem to like her. She wears a cross, and they don’t like crosses, these people. Like, like vampires or something, they are seriously scared of them.”
    At the end of The View, Ballante said, “Ethan [Ballante’s two-year-old] is still sleeping! You know what that means . . . Appletini Time!” which apparently meant she would mix up some drinks for herself, even though the young men are forbidden to drink alcohol.
    â€œ Sex and the City, ” Berkeley said quietly to Mabry when Ballante went to prepare her Appletinis. “Do you think she got Appletini Time from Sex and the City? ” Mabry asked, “What’s Sex and the City again?” Berkeley said, “You know, that show from when we were, like, twelve, and those movies? Those trashy old bags running around New York drinking and having sad sex and all? The women in this town pretend it’s, like, real or something. It’s kinda tragic. . . . They just need real love from their husbands. What is wrong with these men?”
    After Ballante consumed several drinks, she lost her inhibitions with the young men, whom she believed secretly found her attractive. “Come on, you know you want more than one wife. Admit it! I’d totally be a sister wife if I could haveBill Paxton! But not that creep from Sister Wives. ” Ballante was referring to the polygamist husbands on the HBO show Big Love and the TLC program Sister Wives. She gets most of her knowledge about the Latter-Day Saints from the shows, and more recently from what she’s read about the Broadway send-up, Book of Mormon.
    Berkeley, as the more senior missionary of the two, handled the polygamy question. “Ma’am, our Church disavowed polygamy more than a century ago. While there are some fringe groups who continue to practice polygamy, they do not represent the people or beliefs of our Church in any way, shape, or form. I will have one wife, and we will be together with our children forever.”
    â€œHoly shit, you are so adorable,” Ballante said. “Alright, alright, alright. But you need to at least give me something,” Ballante said, leaning in closely to the young men, who were visibly apprehensive.
    â€œShow me your magic underwear. We read this book in book club about crazy Mormons and they were talking about magic underwear.”
    Mabry cleared his throat and said, “Ma’am, they are temple garments that we wear at all times to remind us of our sacred covenants. Other religions like Judaism also include special garments in their faith.”
    â€œJeez-us, you guys are all God and no fun. It’s gonna be a long long life for you two if you don’t loosen up. Trust me on this,” Ballante said.
    After leaving the home for the day, Berkeley said, “You know, the thing that kills me the most is that she is so pathetic that she sits around day after day with a couple of twenty-year-olds and she thinks WE are the freaks.” Mabry nodded in agreement. Ballante confirmed this impression. “Yeah I love those boys, but of course they’re freaks. They’re Mormons knocking on doors! If that’s not a freak, I don’t know what is.”
    So why do Mabry