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and Berkeley keep going back if they feel both offended and hopeless at their chances of getting Ballante baptized? “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I’m-With-Stupid?” Berkeley said, gesturing to Mabry. “Case, like an idiot, let it slip to our Zone Lord [the mission supervisor] that this woman loved us and now they are convinced they have a golden.” “Golden,” they say, refers to an easy conversion target.
    Mabry added: “I don’t even want her at this point even though we look like rock stars if we get her dunked [baptized]. I don’t give a fudge about her or her soul—but if she becomes LDS and has acelestial marriage, then that poor guy she’s married to and that kid she totally, completely ignores, are going to be stuck with her for all Eternities.”

    Ice Cream Man Assaulted
Because He’s the Ice Cream Man,
“Not Because He’s Muslim”
    Suburgatory, USA—The dads who admit to the harassment and second-degree assault last month of Egyptian-born ice cream man Suleiman Rahman insist they did not attack Rahman because of his faith, but because he’s the ice cream man. They also say he is a “possible perv,” a “rolling extortionist,” and a “kiddie-poison pusher.” But they claim they have no problem whatsoever that Rahman is a Muslim, and argue this incident, which involved pushing and yelling, does not fit the definition of a federal hate crime.
    â€œThat’s straight-up slander!” said Mark Watson, one of the accused parents. “We aggressively suggested the ice cream man leave the school parking lot last month because we are fed up with him and all the problems he causes, following families all over town, ruining every nice event!”
    Janet Maroney said Rahman’s truck arrives just as the kids begin playing soccer, making it impossible to keep the kids on the field and forcing parents to bring cash to every game. “I feel like every time I see that stick-up truck headed for me, I can kiss five bucks goodbye unless I want an epic meltdown. Then if a friend forgets her cash, I say buh-bye to ten bucks.”
    Jodi Keyes wishes she could say no when the ice cream man arrives but doesn’t want to look like a “joy-sucking cheapskate” or one of those “granola moms.” Peggy Davies is proud to call herself a “granola mom” and even she can’t resist buying her kids what she calls the “frozen death on a stick” with “neon gumball eyes.” “Yes, I’m granola, but I hate a tantrum just like the rest of you,” Davies said.
    Others alluded to what they see as a corruption of this classically American institution. Some who asked to remain anonymous thought Rahman was “a Gypsy or something” and mourned the days when ice cream trucks were manned by “wholesome teenagers” and not “old possible pervs who don’t even live in town.” One wondered, “Does he sleep in there?”
    Parent Roger Jackson asked, “Have you heard that toy piano tune his truck plays? It will seriously haunt your soul. It’s like Satan on four wheels.” And these feelings have nothing to do with the fact that he’s a Muslim? “I said Satan, not Osama, didn’t you hear me?”
    So what does Rahman say about the incident? “In 2002 I was held for three months by the Egyptian secret police. You think these homosexual-looking men scare me?” After some cajoling, Rahman admitted that he didn’t think town residents hated him because he’s a Muslim, even though his lawyer is pursuing a hate crime charge. “I don’t think they even knew what I was before this happened. I think they just thought I was the poor brown stranger taking their money and annoying them with my tempting and delicious ice cream. They blame me because they can’t say no to their spoiled-rotten children. So no, I