Read Online Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander - Free Book Online
Authors: Christian Lander
Tags: Humor, General, Adult, Topic, Popular Culture, Satire And Humor, Popular culture - United States, American wit and humor, Race identity, Whites, Topic - Adult, Race awareness, Whites - United States
Ads: Link
rides to work, you should take them aside and say, “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, the Earth.” Then give a thumbs-up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.
62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
White people spend a lot of time worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day. They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal-Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to community college or get a job instead of studying art at college.
It is a poorly kept secret that, deep down, white people believe that if given money and education, all poor people would be exactly like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.
A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the “whiter” option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal-Mart, and then this nonprofit organization came in and set up a special farmer’s co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal-Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in forty years.” White people will first ask which nonprofit, and are they hiring? They will be so filled with euphoria that they will invite you to more parties so you can tell this story to their friends.
WARNING: It is essential that you make it clear that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. To suggest anything to the contrary could crush white people and their hope for the future.
63 Expensive Sandwiches
Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: What do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: eat expensive sandwiches.
If you need to find a cache of white people, get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press, and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese is mostly from Europe.
The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffeeshop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11:00 to 3:00).
If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was a special sandwich they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.
It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations, as it is very neutral and does not carry romantic connotations as sushi and breakfast do. So if a white person that you are interested in decides to invite you for a sandwich, do not assume it will lead to any sort of sexual conduct.
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they want to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.
Also note: White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.
64 Recycling
Recycling is part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the Earth without having to do that much.
Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties), and then when you’re done you just put it in a different bin from your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great. It’s so easy!
This is important because all white
62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
White people spend a lot of time worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day. They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal-Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to community college or get a job instead of studying art at college.
It is a poorly kept secret that, deep down, white people believe that if given money and education, all poor people would be exactly like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.
A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the “whiter” option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal-Mart, and then this nonprofit organization came in and set up a special farmer’s co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal-Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in forty years.” White people will first ask which nonprofit, and are they hiring? They will be so filled with euphoria that they will invite you to more parties so you can tell this story to their friends.
WARNING: It is essential that you make it clear that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. To suggest anything to the contrary could crush white people and their hope for the future.
63 Expensive Sandwiches
Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: What do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: eat expensive sandwiches.
If you need to find a cache of white people, get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press, and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese is mostly from Europe.
The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffeeshop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11:00 to 3:00).
If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was a special sandwich they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.
It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations, as it is very neutral and does not carry romantic connotations as sushi and breakfast do. So if a white person that you are interested in decides to invite you for a sandwich, do not assume it will lead to any sort of sexual conduct.
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they want to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.
Also note: White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.
64 Recycling
Recycling is part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the Earth without having to do that much.
Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties), and then when you’re done you just put it in a different bin from your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great. It’s so easy!
This is important because all white
Similar Books
