Read Online Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander - Free Book Online Page B

questions about your scenario to be polite. Say whatever you like, they are only waiting for trigger expressions to enable them to return to their own story. Popular ones include unhappy, work, affair, tough time at school, and tied down. Say any of these and the white person will immediately redirect the conversation back to their situation.
    When the night finally ends, you will be operating on a friendship level that normally takes eight to ten months.
    If the white person is actually going through a divorce, do not be too concerned. A lifetime of difficult breakups has prepared them for the event. They are well equipped to become the center of attention for their friends and family. The best thing you can do in this scenario is to constantly reassure the white person that they deserve better. It will comfort them instantly. This is due to the fact that all white people believe they deserve more than they have. Hearing it from someone else helps to confirm the injustice of fate and gives them hope that they will eventually receive the sexual and career payday that is long overdue.
    Finally, if you have a deceased parent do not bring it up when white people are talking about divorce. You will immediately be crowned the winner of the pain party, but you will also make all the white people feel bad for making such a big deal out of nonfatal divorce.

67 Standing Still at Concerts
    Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack of their biopic. The problem is that most of the music white people like isn’t especially dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, love, breaking up with someone, not being able to date someone, or death.

    So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concertgoing, as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to yourself. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you, just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.
    The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts, which essentially look more like a disorganized line of people than musical events.
    If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do not expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands, although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.
    Note: The addition of the drug Ecstasy changes everything.

68 Michel Gondry
    When compiling the canon of directors that white people like, one must include Michel Gondry. He has directed such white classics as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. Oh, that’s right, Charlie Kaufman, Gael García Bernal, and Dave Chappelle—could it get any better for white people? Oh yes, it could.
    You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for the White Stripes, Massive Attack, and Björk. These are three acts that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.

    Between the ages of 16 and 20, all white people go through a phase in which they aspire to become a music-video director. This is followed shortly by a phase in which they want to become a regular director. In both cases, they don’t want to produce generic content, they want to create art. As a result, the two directors who have achieved this (Spike Jonze is the other) are universally beloved by white people.
    If you look at the DVD collection of a white person (even one without a TV), you will find The Work of Director Michel Gondry.
    This knowledge can be used to help find common ground with white people. Talk about how you wanted to direct music videos after you saw Michel Gondry’s video