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people feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, of course. Deep down they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. For many white people this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer, where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry gym clothes or a bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and will be emptied only when the person moves to a new home. Advanced recyclers use them as garbage bags.
    If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say, “Where’s the recycling?” If you say, “We don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return, look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, so at this point you should say, “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100 percent of the time!
    The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on a regular basis, either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe you do it.

65 Coed Sports
    White people love being outside, but they don’t often have time for marathons or ten-mile bike rides. The answer is to play coed sports. This provides white people with a valuable opportunity to make friends with other white people and maybe even find a date.
    Many white people play in their first coed league in college. It is considered good form to talk about how you played in one of these leagues, when the best player on your team was a girl. This will make everyone feel better and remind them of the benefits of supporting women’s athletics.
    As white people move into careers, the coed leagues become important tools for bonding with co-workers and making valuable career connections. Popular coed sports include kickball, softball, flag football, and soccer. Although kickball used to be kind of cool, it’s sort of played out. So unless it’s work-related, it’s not really worth joining a kickball league anymore.

    On the surface, these events seem like friendly contests, with everyone having a laugh. But danger lurks, and within them exists the possibility to ruin your reputation and hard-earned status with white people. It is key that you properly match your athletic ability to your surroundings.
    If you are a poor athlete, rest easy. Coed sports were made for you! But if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your coed matches. If you try too hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball extra hard at someone), you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all, you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach it like a point-shaving basketball player—play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win.
    If you follow these rules, you will find yourself invited to the mandatory postgame drinks at a local bar, where you will be photographed many times.

66 Divorce
    If you are in a room with more than five white people it is a statistical certainty that at least two of them have divorced parents and at least one has an ex-wife or husband. The divorce rate among white people is sky-high, and it is one of the most easily exploited aspects of white culture.

    The combination of alcohol and stories about divorce is the easiest and most efficient way to gain the trust and admiration of a white person. If your parents never divorced and you are required to lie, do not worry about being called out. White people spend most of their day waiting for opportunities to complain about their parents, and they will likely only ask