Read Online #SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business by Annoying Actor Friend @Actor_Friend - Free Book Online

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    DRUNK HISTORY: THE NATIONAL TOUR
    In the Roman Catholic religion, there are artifacts
known as “relics.” Relics are items closely associated with saints. If you are
lucky, one day you’ll meet someone who toured the country on a Full Production
Contract, and that person is known as a First-National Relic. If you come in
contact with this rare entity, I suggest you spend significant time in its
presence. The First-National Relic is sacred. They are an ancient national
treasure. They existed in a time when people actually went on the road to save
money. They indulged in superfluous luxuries they didn’t even need. The
First-National Relic owns an apartment. They may even own a second property in
a foreign location such as The Poconos. The only confirmed whereabouts you can
witness this endangered species in action is in whatever city Wicked, The
Lion King, Jersey Boys, or The Book of Mormon is playing –
where they hide safely within their holy sanctuary.
    What events transpired to bring along the extinction
of the Full Production Contract tour? Take a trip back in time with me as I attempt
to transcribe the somewhat booze-hazy yarn I learned at Chelsea Grill, from a
First-National Relic (who I’ll lovingly refer to as Old Annoying Actor Friend)
that used to drink at a place called Marlowe – which is now the Brazilian
BBQ joint next to Joe Allen’s on 46 th Street.
    The Fall of the First National
    A Drunk-matic Tale Told in the Words of Your Old
Annoying Actor Friend
    In the past, when you were no more than a babe, I
earned an enviable living out on the open road. In those days, you didn’t go on
tour to pay bills. You went on tour to buy timeshares. Now, your weekly tour
salary is like the $200 you get in Monopoly when you pass GO, before rounding a
corner filled with hotels. It didn’t always used to be like that…
    A Long Time Ago, in a Broadway Season Far, Far Away…
    There once was a revival of The Music Man ,
directed and choreographed by Susan Stroman. It was nominated for a lot of
awards, but it didn’t win any – except one. The 2001 First National Tour
of The Music Man holds the esteemed acclaim of being “The First Time a
First National Touring Company Launched Non-Union.” I think the cast was making
about 76-trom-BONES a week. This pissed off everyone. Equity actors were
picketing cities all over the country. Newspaper articles ran in local papers.
There was even general outrage among non-theatrical folk for the injustice of
paying actors so little to perform while charging premium ticket prices to
audience members. The Music Man required a gigantic cast, and the
producers felt that the only way to tour the show at all was to send out a non-union
company for (allegedly) salaries as low as $450 a week, plus housing and a $35 per
diem. Actors’ Equity was certainly not going to agree for any of their valued
union members to work under such conditions. HELL NO. Steps needed to be taken
to ensure this did not happen to a First National Tour ever again.
    A New Kind of Tour
    When Actors’ Equity was given the chance to
co-develop a cheaper way for producers to send actors out on the road, they
freakin’ jumped on that shit. AEA was like, “Please don’t send the tour out
non-equity! The Music Man was a mistake and we know that! We’ll do anything!”
And that is when the very first Multi-City Ass Rape Tour was born. For now,
we’ll just call it 42 nd Street . The First National Tour of 42 nd Street launched in August of 2002 under the newly conceived “Special
Agreement Tour Contract” (a.k.a. Special Agreement to Be Paid Shit) with a
minimum weekly salary of $575. That sounds like music to my ears. Come on along
and listen to, the Lulla-bye-bye of Your Dignity. It might seem like a lot of
money if you only make $30 at the dairy – but the 42 nd Street tour was playing first-rate cities, including a sit-down at the
Ahmanson in Los Angeles, while the exact same production continued to run