Read Online Shadow Man by Cynthia D. Grant - Free Book Online

I said. “I’ve had it.”
    He came after me. He tried to make me stop walking.
    â€œJennie, I’m sorry. Honey girl, please listen—”
    â€œI’m not listening to you anymore!” I said. “You say you love me, then you treat me like this! You say you won’t drink—I smell beer on your breath! Mrs. Sanders doesn’t hate you; you hate yourself! If you want to wreck your life, go ahead! But leave me alone!”
    I hadn’t talked like that to Gabriel before. He looked shocked. He burst into tears. He was like a little boy, clinging to me, pleading. “Please don’t go!” he sobbed. “Please don’t leave me!”
    I had never seen Gabe cry. He’d rather shed blood than tears. I was crying too. We sat down on the sand. We kissed and hugged. I wanted to be inside him, to fill up all the places that were sad and empty.
    It was just that once. It only happened one time. When my period was late, I could not believe it. It took me months to accept that the baby was real and not a figment of my guilty imagination.
    Sometimes I’ve wondered if Gabe wanted to make me pregnant, so I couldn’t escape, so I wouldn’t leave him.
    I don’t believe that abortion is a sin and that people who do it will go to hell. Gabriel thinks people should have to have kids, even when they don’t want them. He doesn’t like women having so much power, or that a decision like that could be up to me.
    We were here, on the rock, when I told him I was pregnant. Things had gotten bad; we were always fighting. I had made up my mind to tell him we were through. He’d gotten so strange. He was drinking all the time. When I asked him about it, he’d deny it. He couldn’t have fun unless he was high. Those were the only times he told me he loved me.
    I didn’t love Gabriel any less. It was just that I’d realized that he wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to stop drinking, or fighting, or sneaking around seeing other girls. He thought I didn’t know about that. As if you could keep a secret in Willow Creek.
    When I told him about the baby, he looked both scared and pleased. His eyes flashed more thoughts than I could read. Then his face hardened, shutting me out.
    â€œWhat’re you going to do about it?” he asked, as if the whole thing was my responsibility.
    â€œGet an abortion,” I said. “It’s already scheduled.” I was afraid to make the appointment, but I’d done it, feeling like I was someone else, like I didn’t know myself anymore.
    I told him I thought we should break up, or at least stop seeing each other for a while.
    Gabe looked stunned. He almost hit me. He stood above me, blocking the sun. The shadow of his hand landed on my face. When I didn’t flinch, he broke down.
    He said, “I promise I’ll change! This time I mean it! Things are going to be different! Just wait and see. Give me one more chance. Don’t kill the baby! I’ll be good to you, honey! Jennie, please don’t leave me!”
    His sadness overwhelmed me. I loved him so much. I thought the power of my love could overcome all our problems.
    I was so stupid.
    I haven’t told my parents about the baby. Whenever I try, the words dry up in my throat. I keep picturing how those words will change my mother’s face. So I’ve waited and waited, as if the baby might disappear.… Now it’s too late to undo what’s been done. I’m caught in the present and Gabe has escaped. He didn’t want the baby; he wanted me.
    My belly is swelling, even my face is changing. My parents would’ve found out soon, when they finally saw what they didn’t want to see. They would’ve been mortified, angry, hurt. How could you do this to us? they would say, as if I were only a mirror for their dreams.
    It would hurt them most to know that this had nothing to do with them. That night on