just when
things were going so well, I found myself talking about Brendan.
'I should be happy,' I said. 'I mean,
Kerry's over the moon.'
'Who are we talking about?' asked Nick
amiably, putting a crisp into his mouth and crunching it.
'Brendan. Kerry's boyfriend,' I said. 'Or
rather, her fiancé. They've only known each other a couple of weeks and they've
got engaged.'
'That's romantic'
'It makes me and Laura seem a bit staid
and dull,' said Tony cheerfully, and Laura shot him an angry look that he
blithely did not notice.
'But there's something really really wrong
about him,' I said. 'He gives me the creeps.'
'That's all right. You don't have
to marry him.'
'Didn't you go out with him, though?'
asked Tony. Laura shot him another look. I think she may even have jabbed him
under the table.
'Not really,' I said.
'How do you go out with someone
not-really?'
'Not for long, I meant. It wasn't
anything.' Most of me knew that I shouldn't be having this conversation, so I
don't know why I then said: 'I finished it with him. It wasn't the other way
round whatever he goes around saying.'
Nick looked puzzled and seemed about to
speak, but Tony got there first.
'So what's the problem?'
'Well, for an example, he said this thing
to me, when they announced they were going to get married.'
'What thing?'
'It was sick. He said...' I stopped dead.
I could feel a flush burning its way up my body. Sweat broke out on my brow.
'He said something gross.'
'What? Go on!' Only Tony didn't seem to be
feeling any discomfort. Laura was glaring at me, and Nick was looking down at
the table, fiddling with his beer mat.
'It was stupid. I don't know why I
mentioned it.'
'Come on, Miranda. Otherwise I'll just
have to imagine it!'
'I don't want to say.' How prissy did that
sound? 'Let's drop it.'
'It was you who started it.'
'I know. I shouldn't have done. It's just
stupid family stuff.'
'Gross, as in sexually suggestive?' Tony
persisted.
'He just said I had...' I hesitated, then
said, 'He said I had a nice mouth.'
'Oh.' There was a pause. Nick put another
crisp into his mouth. Tony stared at me. 'Well, that's not so bad, is it?'
'No,' I said weakly. 'Just leave it now.
Forget it.'
'So before me, it was this guy Brendan.'
'Yes. Not really. It just lasted a couple
of weeks or so. I drifted into it. It was a mistake, really. Not even a big
mistake, just a small one. It's just weird that he's turned up again like
this...' Why the fuck were we lying in bed talking about Brendan? 'Who was
before me, then?'
'A woman called Frieda, but that was quite
a long time ago...' And so we were off into safer dangers, telling each other
about past loves, giving each other our secrets the way new lovers do. This one
adored me, this one meant nothing, and this one broke my heart... I once heard
a discussion on the radio, where a man said you could only fall in love three
or four times in your life. I lay there with Nick's arms around me and wondered
how many times I'd been in love. I wondered, was I in love now? How do you know
when you're in love?
A few days later, they arrived
unannounced, ringing my doorbell when I'd just sunk into a hot bath after a
sweaty day up a ladder. I cursed, pulled on an old towelling robe and opened
the door, letting in the damp evening air. Kerry had an eager smile on her
face, and Brendan was brandishing a bunch of flowers. 'Is this a bad time?'
'I was just having a bath.' I pulled my
robe tighter and clutched it at the neck.
'We can make ourselves at home while you
finish,' said Brendan. 'Can't we, Kerry?'
'No, it's OK. Come on in.'
I stepped back reluctantly and they
followed me into the living room. Kerry sat on the sofa, but Brendan stood
squarely in the middle of the room, gazing around proprietorially.
'You've changed where the furniture is.'
'A bit.'
'I liked it better the way it was before.
Don't you want to put the flowers in water?'
'Yes. Thanks.' Actually, I wanted to jam
them into the
things were going so well, I found myself talking about Brendan.
'I should be happy,' I said. 'I mean,
Kerry's over the moon.'
'Who are we talking about?' asked Nick
amiably, putting a crisp into his mouth and crunching it.
'Brendan. Kerry's boyfriend,' I said. 'Or
rather, her fiancé. They've only known each other a couple of weeks and they've
got engaged.'
'That's romantic'
'It makes me and Laura seem a bit staid
and dull,' said Tony cheerfully, and Laura shot him an angry look that he
blithely did not notice.
'But there's something really really wrong
about him,' I said. 'He gives me the creeps.'
'That's all right. You don't have
to marry him.'
'Didn't you go out with him, though?'
asked Tony. Laura shot him another look. I think she may even have jabbed him
under the table.
'Not really,' I said.
'How do you go out with someone
not-really?'
'Not for long, I meant. It wasn't
anything.' Most of me knew that I shouldn't be having this conversation, so I
don't know why I then said: 'I finished it with him. It wasn't the other way
round whatever he goes around saying.'
Nick looked puzzled and seemed about to
speak, but Tony got there first.
'So what's the problem?'
'Well, for an example, he said this thing
to me, when they announced they were going to get married.'
'What thing?'
'It was sick. He said...' I stopped dead.
I could feel a flush burning its way up my body. Sweat broke out on my brow.
'He said something gross.'
'What? Go on!' Only Tony didn't seem to be
feeling any discomfort. Laura was glaring at me, and Nick was looking down at
the table, fiddling with his beer mat.
'It was stupid. I don't know why I
mentioned it.'
'Come on, Miranda. Otherwise I'll just
have to imagine it!'
'I don't want to say.' How prissy did that
sound? 'Let's drop it.'
'It was you who started it.'
'I know. I shouldn't have done. It's just
stupid family stuff.'
'Gross, as in sexually suggestive?' Tony
persisted.
'He just said I had...' I hesitated, then
said, 'He said I had a nice mouth.'
'Oh.' There was a pause. Nick put another
crisp into his mouth. Tony stared at me. 'Well, that's not so bad, is it?'
'No,' I said weakly. 'Just leave it now.
Forget it.'
'So before me, it was this guy Brendan.'
'Yes. Not really. It just lasted a couple
of weeks or so. I drifted into it. It was a mistake, really. Not even a big
mistake, just a small one. It's just weird that he's turned up again like
this...' Why the fuck were we lying in bed talking about Brendan? 'Who was
before me, then?'
'A woman called Frieda, but that was quite
a long time ago...' And so we were off into safer dangers, telling each other
about past loves, giving each other our secrets the way new lovers do. This one
adored me, this one meant nothing, and this one broke my heart... I once heard
a discussion on the radio, where a man said you could only fall in love three
or four times in your life. I lay there with Nick's arms around me and wondered
how many times I'd been in love. I wondered, was I in love now? How do you know
when you're in love?
A few days later, they arrived
unannounced, ringing my doorbell when I'd just sunk into a hot bath after a
sweaty day up a ladder. I cursed, pulled on an old towelling robe and opened
the door, letting in the damp evening air. Kerry had an eager smile on her
face, and Brendan was brandishing a bunch of flowers. 'Is this a bad time?'
'I was just having a bath.' I pulled my
robe tighter and clutched it at the neck.
'We can make ourselves at home while you
finish,' said Brendan. 'Can't we, Kerry?'
'No, it's OK. Come on in.'
I stepped back reluctantly and they
followed me into the living room. Kerry sat on the sofa, but Brendan stood
squarely in the middle of the room, gazing around proprietorially.
'You've changed where the furniture is.'
'A bit.'
'I liked it better the way it was before.
Don't you want to put the flowers in water?'
'Yes. Thanks.' Actually, I wanted to jam
them into the
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