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in the same way, I active, she silent with her eyes closed. Only this time when I kissed her breasts, she responded by kissing me on the head. Silently I went back to my own room to get dressed. During the day I was free to talk to the student, but we spoke about things that did not matter. We spent two more nights in precisely the same fashion, having sex with hardly a word being uttered. Then she left for Moscow and a few days later I went with my father to Kiev where I returned to school.
My third year at school was very different from the previous years. In thrall to endless erotic excitement, tired out by my precocious excesses, my system quickly weakened and I became lazy. I would be overcome in class by an irresistible urge to fall asleep. The only things in books that interested me were the erotic pages. I was not able to search for such pages in the Bible, since there is hardly a house in Russia - and that includes most bookshops - where you can find a Bible, but I devoured French novels which my parents left lying about - especially Zola's novels which were by then in print: The Curate, L'assommoir, Abbe Mouret's Mistake, Nana, Pot-bouille . Between the ages of twelve and fourteen these novels were my favourite reading, but I managed to get hold of many other naturalistic or licentious French works, eighteenth century authors &c.
The school syllabus no longer had any attractions for me and bored me to tears. I stopped being the great Latin scholar I had hitherto seemed and did not even get on with Greek which we began in the third class. My name no longer shone on the 'golden table'. My little friend of earlier years, whose innocence I did not upset with any sexual revelations, out of God knows what scruples, took my place in the ranking of pupils, and from term to term my position among the pupils' names arranged in order of merit came tumbling down. My parents could not work out what lay behind the change, nor could my teachers. My health was undermined. I got thin, had headaches, was sick and often caught bronchitis and colds - which had never happened to me before. I did now have friendly relationships, preferably however with boys I supposed to be sexually experienced. My own experiences too in that period were many. I also had frequent nocturnal emissions from the age of twelve; they came with erotic dreams. But let us keep to chronological order.
I was not quite twelve when I entered the third class. My aunt had left Kiev and I no longer saw Olga. Our chambermaids did not look very frivolous, and so I had no sex for three or four months. As I did not masturbate, I was beginning in fact to calm down. But then we moved house and I made a new contact that threw me into an erotic fever. I was by then over twelve.
Our new neighbours on the same floor were Jews of humble origin who had got rich and showed off their new-found luxury. They had a son about my age who was also at the grammar school but in the class just below mine, that is the second, and a daughter of thirteen or fourteen who went to the girls' grammar school. We would leave for school at the same time each morning; only I went on foot, for my parents did not keep horses in town, whereas the little Israelites went by pony trap. Our parents did not know each other, but the children, as we were off to school one morning, offered me a lift in their trap. Then Ilya (which is what I shall call the Jewish boy) came to see me and his evening visits became regular, the pretext being to have the difficult points of Latin grammar clarified. Then I went to see him.
I was amazed by the luxury of Ilya and his sister Sara's life. Their parents did not just adore them, but, as often happens in Jewish families, had a kind of veneration for their progeny. Like most Jews they had an almost superstitious respect for intellectual work. Ignorant newly-rich, they sincerely admired children that went to grammar school and studied so many mysterious fine things there. So
My third year at school was very different from the previous years. In thrall to endless erotic excitement, tired out by my precocious excesses, my system quickly weakened and I became lazy. I would be overcome in class by an irresistible urge to fall asleep. The only things in books that interested me were the erotic pages. I was not able to search for such pages in the Bible, since there is hardly a house in Russia - and that includes most bookshops - where you can find a Bible, but I devoured French novels which my parents left lying about - especially Zola's novels which were by then in print: The Curate, L'assommoir, Abbe Mouret's Mistake, Nana, Pot-bouille . Between the ages of twelve and fourteen these novels were my favourite reading, but I managed to get hold of many other naturalistic or licentious French works, eighteenth century authors &c.
The school syllabus no longer had any attractions for me and bored me to tears. I stopped being the great Latin scholar I had hitherto seemed and did not even get on with Greek which we began in the third class. My name no longer shone on the 'golden table'. My little friend of earlier years, whose innocence I did not upset with any sexual revelations, out of God knows what scruples, took my place in the ranking of pupils, and from term to term my position among the pupils' names arranged in order of merit came tumbling down. My parents could not work out what lay behind the change, nor could my teachers. My health was undermined. I got thin, had headaches, was sick and often caught bronchitis and colds - which had never happened to me before. I did now have friendly relationships, preferably however with boys I supposed to be sexually experienced. My own experiences too in that period were many. I also had frequent nocturnal emissions from the age of twelve; they came with erotic dreams. But let us keep to chronological order.
I was not quite twelve when I entered the third class. My aunt had left Kiev and I no longer saw Olga. Our chambermaids did not look very frivolous, and so I had no sex for three or four months. As I did not masturbate, I was beginning in fact to calm down. But then we moved house and I made a new contact that threw me into an erotic fever. I was by then over twelve.
Our new neighbours on the same floor were Jews of humble origin who had got rich and showed off their new-found luxury. They had a son about my age who was also at the grammar school but in the class just below mine, that is the second, and a daughter of thirteen or fourteen who went to the girls' grammar school. We would leave for school at the same time each morning; only I went on foot, for my parents did not keep horses in town, whereas the little Israelites went by pony trap. Our parents did not know each other, but the children, as we were off to school one morning, offered me a lift in their trap. Then Ilya (which is what I shall call the Jewish boy) came to see me and his evening visits became regular, the pretext being to have the difficult points of Latin grammar clarified. Then I went to see him.
I was amazed by the luxury of Ilya and his sister Sara's life. Their parents did not just adore them, but, as often happens in Jewish families, had a kind of veneration for their progeny. Like most Jews they had an almost superstitious respect for intellectual work. Ignorant newly-rich, they sincerely admired children that went to grammar school and studied so many mysterious fine things there. So
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