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Authors: Frankie Boyle
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thousand jobs. Oh dear, if only we hadn’t toppled governments of its major clients. Sell the bomber jets to easyJet – at least it’s a more honest way for our stag nights to enter Prague.
Cameron is insisting on the same number of new submarines to replace Trident, but Clegg wants fewer. I’d go with the Lib Dems. Look at our military requirements for the next fifty years – it just has to be easier hauling two subs across a desert rather than four.
And on top of cuts, stolen military kit worth millions is being sold on eBay. I’ve bought night-vision goggles, part of my plan to gain the psychological advantage on Mastermind by choosing ‘The various sleeping positions of John Humphries’ as my specialist subject. Meanwhile, ex-military chiefs have been caught offering ministerial access for money. Arms traders shouldn’t lobby. They should follow the proper channels and just show off their coolest stuff in conflicts, because for defence ministers CNN is basically a shopping channel. Indeed, many US arms dealers’ catalogues are made up almost entirely of photos from Afghan wedding photographers.
A CNN journalist said she’d like to urinate on a dead Afghan. Luckily, she works with Piers Morgan so she can get a mocked-up picture of her doing it. I’m willing to offer my services if she’ll accept a put-on accent and a bucket of spray tan. I’d happily kill three thousand of her friends if it helps? This is not the first time I’ve seen a video of four American lads pissing on someone, although I must say the dead Afghans exhibited a more realistic enjoyment of it than the girls on Xhamster. These Afghan soldiers were told they would meet a group of virgins after they died, and it looks like that was correct. We’re a strange society that pixilates the willies in that footage but not the corpses. Why would soldiers at the end of a tour of duty wee on dead bodies? The probable answer is that they’d simply run out of cum.
I liked it when al-Qaeda posted pictures of an all-female unit of terrorists training on an array of weapons. They’ve been dubbed the ‘Burkha Brigade’. I doubt they’d be that effective in the UK, because if a team of them were spotted crouching down behind a wall the neighbours would be straight on to the council reporting that someone has been putting their black bin bags out on the wrong day.
A lot of our general culture is war propaganda. Did you see G.I. Joe ? It’s a film based on a children’s toy. I’ve got a few ideas in the same genre that I’d like to pitch. How about Kerplunk ? Bruce Willis’s children are suspended between two skyscrapers by enormous lengths of steel piping, creating a net that they rest on. Willis has to remove one pipe every hour or his children WILL die. Or what about Hangman ? We could splice together archive footage of the death of Saddam Hussein with some random clips from Countdown .
We’re told that terrorists are talking to each other through online games like Call of Duty and Halo . Al-Qaeda should be careful; these shoot-’em-up games can desensitize a person to violence. Sad we’ve only found out this link between games and terrorism so late in the day. I can’t help but wonder whether the world would be a happier place if only someone had had the sense, in the 90s, to ban Jenga.
• • •
North Korea announced nuclear missile tests targeting America but they’re purely for scientific reasons – they want to find out what happens if they blow up America. The US government has warned North Korea to stop making threats, or else they’re going to fucking kill them. Some North Korean generals suspect their delivery system is too basic to get a missile to Washington, believing the US will probably recognise the stamps.
The West despises North Korea as a dictatorship. Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do. Naturally, we all laughed at the
Cameron is insisting on the same number of new submarines to replace Trident, but Clegg wants fewer. I’d go with the Lib Dems. Look at our military requirements for the next fifty years – it just has to be easier hauling two subs across a desert rather than four.
And on top of cuts, stolen military kit worth millions is being sold on eBay. I’ve bought night-vision goggles, part of my plan to gain the psychological advantage on Mastermind by choosing ‘The various sleeping positions of John Humphries’ as my specialist subject. Meanwhile, ex-military chiefs have been caught offering ministerial access for money. Arms traders shouldn’t lobby. They should follow the proper channels and just show off their coolest stuff in conflicts, because for defence ministers CNN is basically a shopping channel. Indeed, many US arms dealers’ catalogues are made up almost entirely of photos from Afghan wedding photographers.
A CNN journalist said she’d like to urinate on a dead Afghan. Luckily, she works with Piers Morgan so she can get a mocked-up picture of her doing it. I’m willing to offer my services if she’ll accept a put-on accent and a bucket of spray tan. I’d happily kill three thousand of her friends if it helps? This is not the first time I’ve seen a video of four American lads pissing on someone, although I must say the dead Afghans exhibited a more realistic enjoyment of it than the girls on Xhamster. These Afghan soldiers were told they would meet a group of virgins after they died, and it looks like that was correct. We’re a strange society that pixilates the willies in that footage but not the corpses. Why would soldiers at the end of a tour of duty wee on dead bodies? The probable answer is that they’d simply run out of cum.
I liked it when al-Qaeda posted pictures of an all-female unit of terrorists training on an array of weapons. They’ve been dubbed the ‘Burkha Brigade’. I doubt they’d be that effective in the UK, because if a team of them were spotted crouching down behind a wall the neighbours would be straight on to the council reporting that someone has been putting their black bin bags out on the wrong day.
A lot of our general culture is war propaganda. Did you see G.I. Joe ? It’s a film based on a children’s toy. I’ve got a few ideas in the same genre that I’d like to pitch. How about Kerplunk ? Bruce Willis’s children are suspended between two skyscrapers by enormous lengths of steel piping, creating a net that they rest on. Willis has to remove one pipe every hour or his children WILL die. Or what about Hangman ? We could splice together archive footage of the death of Saddam Hussein with some random clips from Countdown .
We’re told that terrorists are talking to each other through online games like Call of Duty and Halo . Al-Qaeda should be careful; these shoot-’em-up games can desensitize a person to violence. Sad we’ve only found out this link between games and terrorism so late in the day. I can’t help but wonder whether the world would be a happier place if only someone had had the sense, in the 90s, to ban Jenga.
• • •
North Korea announced nuclear missile tests targeting America but they’re purely for scientific reasons – they want to find out what happens if they blow up America. The US government has warned North Korea to stop making threats, or else they’re going to fucking kill them. Some North Korean generals suspect their delivery system is too basic to get a missile to Washington, believing the US will probably recognise the stamps.
The West despises North Korea as a dictatorship. Dictatorship is when someone tells the people what to do. Democracy is when the people get to choose who tells them what to do. Naturally, we all laughed at the
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