Read Online Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian by Frankie Boyle - Free Book Online Page A

scenes of national mourning in North Korea when Kim Jong-il died, until Thatcher went and we did exactly the same. We didn’t even have the excuse that we’re delirious from hunger. Oh no, actually we did. It’s a communist tradition to have endless TV footage of the embalmed corpse of a tyrant at rest. We don’t do that here – we’d rather go for endless TV footage of his begging for mercy before being shot in the face.
    Kim Jong-un has a girlfriend. By all accounts, Kim has spent weeks getting to know her, having had her family surgically implanted with bugging devices. I haven’t seen her dating profile but I’m guessing it includes: ‘Hobbies, venerating the great leader, collecting pebbles, trying to stop my imagination morphing people I meet into giant talking items of food.’
    If there were a nuclear conflict in the region North Korea would be left a barren wasteland. So they’ve nothing to lose. David Cameron is very concerned that they can reach us with their missiles – to be honest, Dave, I think you should be more worried that there are plenty of people in this country who’ll be able to reach you with a stick. Let’s face it – if North Korea blow up the government before we do then we should all be ashamed of ourselves. I’m not that worried about Korean missiles hitting us here – mainly because I used to have a Korean car and it could barely reach Sainsbury’s.
    Our government assures us Britain is ready for nuclear war. Really? We weren’t ready for snow in April. With the way things are going you could well be reading this on a scrap of scorched paper you’re using to bandage your weeping radiation sores as you fend off the other mutants with a spatula. Nuclear war in Scotland wouldn’t change much, as we already spend most of our time indoors with the curtains closed, the windows shut, avoiding all contact with other humans and never eating fresh fruit or vegetables, or drinking water. It seems the only difference is that we’d be pissing into Coke bottles at the request of the government rather than because we can’t be arsed getting up off the couch. Cameron was also scaremongering about Iran having missiles that could target Britain. Actually, they barely have anything that could reach Israel. If they do target us we have two choices – either diplomatic talks or sending scientists to help them build a missile capable of going far enough to hit America.
    David Cameron’s released this information so we can act ourselves – so lock your doors at night, leave a light on so Iran thinks you’re in when you’re not and report any strange missiles you see in your area.
    Barack Obama said the US government requested that Tehran return the surveillance drone captured by Iran’s military. I hope he’s not holding his breath as the Japanese still haven’t returned that bomb from Hiroshima. What’s wrong with Iran? Why are they so paranoid? Anyone would think the West had at some point overthrown their democratic government and installed a brutal puppet, or cynically perpetuated their war with Iraq by selling arms to both sides. Israel is doing all it can to stop itself being a target. Well, everything short of not bulldozing Palestinian homes and building on land they promised not to.
    Israel has apparently been assassinating Iranian scientists. Let’s hope they don’t try to assassinate any of ours; they’d have to queue behind anyone who ever bought a D:Ream album. Iranian clerics are denying Tehran wants the bomb, claiming they only need lumps of weapons-grade uranium for throwing at particularly promiscuous women.
    Israel will have ‘no greater friend’ than the US in pursuit of peace in the Middle East, Barack Obama promised. Of course, Israel need a multi-billion missile defence system from America – how else are they going to protect themselves from children throwing stones? Israel are worried about Iran attacking them but it’s all academic anyway – America will