Read Online Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian by Frankie Boyle - Free Book Online Page B

still beat them both to the Most Murderous Regime in the Middle East Award again. The US is determined to bring peace to the Middle East and they don’t care how many millions of unarmed shepherds, women and children they have to brutally kill in order to do it.
    Israel insists it’s targeting specific militants. Though in bombing the most densely populated place on earth that’s a bit like finding a bee hive but only targeting specific bees by using a mallet. It’s easy to badmouth Israel but the fact is that one way of reducing the risk of injuring civilians is to reduce the number of civilians actually around to get injured.
    Netanyahu insists there could be a Palestinian state. But not till Israeli settlers have nibbled so many bits off the West Bank that the Palestinians can only fit into what’s left by stacking themselves up like a motorcycle display team.
    There’s understandable concern in the UK that the conflict could spread across the Middle East. It would clearly be a calamity – another 5p on petrol. Basically, the Palestinians took a wrong turn back in 2006. They were offered a free democratic vote, and they went and voted for the wrong party. Let’s look at this historically and realistically. Germany should buy Crete from Greece and give it to one or other of them.
    Like most of the international community I’d like to see a two-state solution, where people live side by side. I’d like to see one state occupied by Israel. An aggressive, destructive military power who stops at nothing to bulldoze and bomb their neighbours. And I’d like the second state to be Essex.
    But congratulations are due to US Secretary of State John Kerry on getting the Israelis and Palestinians in the same room together. Apparently his trick was to give the Pales-tinian representatives a room first, then put the Israelis in one next door, and wait. Initial talks went better than expected due to Kerry’s radical approach. He told Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair they were being held in Turkey. Blair’s not had the best record in his role. He has more the air of a man sent ahead to check stabling facilities for the Four Horsemen.
    Allegations of chemical weapons being used by the Syrian government have raised the possibility of Western intervention. To summarise, the Syrians are killing each other with the wrong type of weapons, so we’re going to kill them. Syria’s war is much easier to bear if you think of the past two years of death and destruction as an elaborate opening ceremony to World War Three. Poor Syria. Now the papers have started printing pictures of dead children, maybe we will see the ones killed in US drone attacks, or shall we wait for the hardback coffee table book? The heartbreaking photos have opened the world’s eyes – if you want people to care about your dead children make sure they die in a way that’s not icky to photograph.
    One of Syria’s tactics is trying to destabilise Iraq by flooding it with refugees. A bit like a humanitarian version of Buckaroo. Interesting how it’s often the militant Islamists whom Arab dictators are killing; wonder where they got that idea from? Looks like any invading American force would have to start their mission by saying, ‘Now . . . this is awkward . . .’
    I can’t believe our MPs voted not to back the US. The UK’s going to look as stupid as back in the 1960s, when we chose not to follow them into Vietnam. As I write, we’re being told that, unlike Danny Dyer, America must now act to maintain its credibility. The UK said any bombing would only be for 12 hours – but remember to always round projected war timings up to the nearest decade. The big question is all about UN approval. Does the West need to bother pretending to get it or not? It’s all about making surgical strikes. From 100 miles offshore. Like having your appendix removed by a circus knife-thrower.
    Things are now so bad there that Bernie Ecclestone’s put in a call to President