Cleaning chemistry happens all around us and we don’t even think about it. I am so crazy about cleaning stuff. I am so crazy that sometimes it cuts into my daily routine. I was going to see a doctor about it but I couldn’t leave my house because the doorknobs were dirty and possessed by the devil unless I touched them 666 times and whinnied like a pony, so I’m pretty sure it just cleared itself up.
I often find that I buy too much bleach, Windex, and other common chemicals. Instead of letting them just sit around the house gathering dust (and then you have to clean the cleaning supplies and that’s ironic!), I’ve created some fun cocktails you can make that help use up those pesky chemicals.
HOUSEHOLD-CHEMICAL COCKTAILS
----
Boring old cocktails are so both early 2004 and late 2009! Spice up your daily routine by using commonly found chemicals in your house to add a little pizzazz to your libations!
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THESE, YOU WILL DIE. (see LIFE CYCLE section)
“SEX ON THE BLEACH!”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
----
“ANTIFREZZY NAVEL”
Ingredients:
peach schnapps, orange juice, antifreeze.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
----
“GIN AND DRANO”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
Acids & Bases & Tigers & Lions, Oh My!
----
Acids and bases are why some foods taste sour (acids, like lemons) and bitter (bases, like semen—even the sweetest-tasting male ejaculate tastes like undercooked escarole to me! But I have still swallowed twelve times and counting!). Calling something an acid or a base refers to its pH, which measures the hydrogen concentration in its solution. Pure water has a pH very close to 7 at room temperature. I had a boyfriend who was a 7 at room temperature! FIG. 2.4 In the cold he was only a 3. :(
If you walk around your kitchen (and you should be, at all times, in heels and nothing else!), you will see many household acids and bases that are VERY important to cooking/cleaning/being a woman.
FIG. 2.4
IMPORTANT ACIDS: vinegar, molasses, coffee, lemony semen (I tried dabbing a little lemon juice onto the tip of my boyfriend’s doodle so that when he django’d in my mouth it would taste HALFWAY DECENT, but it 1) didn’t help much with taste and 2) made him scream in pain), FIG. 2.5 Lemony Snicket (that’s the same as lemony semen, it’s just a cooler name, you put some LEMON on the tip of his SNICKET)
FIG. 2.5
IMPORTANT BASES: baking soda, Ivory soap, bleach, Tide, dishwasher detergent, normal semen—BLECH!, egg-yolk semen (same as Lemony Snicket but with egg yolks, super disgusting, when I did this I threw up on his dick!), vomit dick
Alcohols
----
In chemistry, an alcohol is an organic compound in which the hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom. In life, alcohol is the best most fun thing and the only thing that makes living fun! FIG. 2.6 In fact, I’m already like two shots and a bottle of wine deep. And maybe this is just the booze talking, but hello, I am a bottle of booze and some shots of booze!
There are differences between alcohol as defined by chemistry and the kind of alcohol that gets you pregnant. The type of alcohol in alcoholic drinks is ethanol , the chemical compound CH 3 CH 2 OH. A good mnemonic device to remember this compound is “CHA-CHACHACHACHAOH!” Like a flamenco dancer doing a big dance and then realizing that she forgot to wear her turban with fake fruit on it.
Wine is a good alcohol! Wine is made from old grapes. When a grape sits for years and years and years, it becomes alcoholic, just like some grandpas!! I am so clumsy. Sometimes I spill red wine down my throat/mouth like six times a day every day. Whoops!
FIG. 2.6
The Science of Chemistry ;)
----
You’ve probably
I often find that I buy too much bleach, Windex, and other common chemicals. Instead of letting them just sit around the house gathering dust (and then you have to clean the cleaning supplies and that’s ironic!), I’ve created some fun cocktails you can make that help use up those pesky chemicals.
HOUSEHOLD-CHEMICAL COCKTAILS
----
Boring old cocktails are so both early 2004 and late 2009! Spice up your daily routine by using commonly found chemicals in your house to add a little pizzazz to your libations!
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THESE, YOU WILL DIE. (see LIFE CYCLE section)
“SEX ON THE BLEACH!”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
----
“ANTIFREZZY NAVEL”
Ingredients:
peach schnapps, orange juice, antifreeze.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
----
“GIN AND DRANO”
Ingredients:
vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, bleach.
Calories: unknown.
WARNING: IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOU WILL DIE.
Acids & Bases & Tigers & Lions, Oh My!
----
Acids and bases are why some foods taste sour (acids, like lemons) and bitter (bases, like semen—even the sweetest-tasting male ejaculate tastes like undercooked escarole to me! But I have still swallowed twelve times and counting!). Calling something an acid or a base refers to its pH, which measures the hydrogen concentration in its solution. Pure water has a pH very close to 7 at room temperature. I had a boyfriend who was a 7 at room temperature! FIG. 2.4 In the cold he was only a 3. :(
If you walk around your kitchen (and you should be, at all times, in heels and nothing else!), you will see many household acids and bases that are VERY important to cooking/cleaning/being a woman.
FIG. 2.4
IMPORTANT ACIDS: vinegar, molasses, coffee, lemony semen (I tried dabbing a little lemon juice onto the tip of my boyfriend’s doodle so that when he django’d in my mouth it would taste HALFWAY DECENT, but it 1) didn’t help much with taste and 2) made him scream in pain), FIG. 2.5 Lemony Snicket (that’s the same as lemony semen, it’s just a cooler name, you put some LEMON on the tip of his SNICKET)
FIG. 2.5
IMPORTANT BASES: baking soda, Ivory soap, bleach, Tide, dishwasher detergent, normal semen—BLECH!, egg-yolk semen (same as Lemony Snicket but with egg yolks, super disgusting, when I did this I threw up on his dick!), vomit dick
Alcohols
----
In chemistry, an alcohol is an organic compound in which the hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom. In life, alcohol is the best most fun thing and the only thing that makes living fun! FIG. 2.6 In fact, I’m already like two shots and a bottle of wine deep. And maybe this is just the booze talking, but hello, I am a bottle of booze and some shots of booze!
There are differences between alcohol as defined by chemistry and the kind of alcohol that gets you pregnant. The type of alcohol in alcoholic drinks is ethanol , the chemical compound CH 3 CH 2 OH. A good mnemonic device to remember this compound is “CHA-CHACHACHACHAOH!” Like a flamenco dancer doing a big dance and then realizing that she forgot to wear her turban with fake fruit on it.
Wine is a good alcohol! Wine is made from old grapes. When a grape sits for years and years and years, it becomes alcoholic, just like some grandpas!! I am so clumsy. Sometimes I spill red wine down my throat/mouth like six times a day every day. Whoops!
FIG. 2.6
The Science of Chemistry ;)
----
You’ve probably
Similar Books
