Read Online Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick - Free Book Online Page B

wussy vegetarian!” I scream at Frosty.
    There was nothing else I could think of to say to get Frosty’s attention, but it works.
     
     
    I step away from Decapitron and groove into the middle of the street, the empty sleeves of my suit dangling at my sides. Frosty just snarls at me as I center myself.
    Okay, here it goes . . .
    I push one of the buttons and the suit curls my body up into a ball. The cabbage skin ignites around me and then I launch myself at Frosty.
     
     
    I can hardly imagine what I must look like out there. I am a big fireball rolling through the snow at 70 miles per hour, melting everything in my path. On the control switch between my legs, there’s a little monitor. I see Frosty’s mouth open wide with shock as I plow into him, dissolving his bottom ball. Rolling around and coming back towards him, I see him trying to reform the snowball with the snow from the ground but I hit him again. He explodes into powder.
    Meanwhile, the upper half of Santa is vacuuming up Frosty’s coffee birds. But he doesn’t get all of them as Frosty’s consciousness leaves his body and enters a nearby snowman. The new snowman retrieves the sickle-arms and the Hitler mustache and becomes his old self, good as new.
    But there’s no stopping the sly man. I melt his new body just as quickly as the last one, rolling in circles around the intersection. Santa sucks up more of his coffee birds.
    I roll and I roll until all the snowmen in the area have turned to liquid and all of the coffee birds have been sucked away.
     
     
    By the time I finish rolling in circles and figure out how to make the suit get out of fireball form (Tea didn’t explain that part to me), I find myself in the middle of a crowd of elves. They explode with cheers for me. They hoot and applaud and cheer.
    “Hooray for the sly guy!” they sing. “He’s the greatest! Sly Fry’s number one!”
     
     
    Santa gets restuffed with old clocks. It’s not sausage, but it’ll have to do for now until the elves find the rest of his meat goop that’s been splattered all over the South Pole. He recovers his bag of toys and then the elves build him a new sleigh out of Tea’s squid ship.
    “Arrr, ye know what?” Santa says. “I might just be able to save Christmas this year.”
    The elves cheer for him.
     
     
    “Sorry, laddie,” Santa tells me. “No time fer thanks and pleasantries. I need to deliver toys to the rest of the boys and girls of the world.”
    “Can we come with you?” I ask.
    “Can we, Santa?” my kids cry. “Can we?”
    Santa looks down at Nora’s bloody growth dripping into the snow.
    “Nay . . .” he says. “The elves will give ye a ride home.” “But Santa . . .” Angelica cries.
    “Please?” I say.
    “Well . . .” Santa says. “You know what? . . . it’s really late and I really don’t have time for this kind of bullshite right now. I know ye saved me from the forces of evil and all, but come on, man. I’ve been cut in half and most of me guts have been replaced with clocks for Christ’s sake. I’ve never had a worse Christmas in all me life.”
    Before I can say another word his squidy vehicle blasts off, leaving me in cloud of snow.
     
     
    Boon leads us towards another ship so he can give us a ride home.
    “Don’t worry,” he tells me. “I’m sure he’ll leave you something special under your tree tomorrow.”
     

 
    CHAPTER TEN
    PRESENT WORMS
     

 
     
    Christmas Morning:
    I wake up at home, alone in my bed.
    I’m not sure how I got here. I don’t remember the trip back from the South Pole.
    It was so all so much like a dream. I would think none of it really happened if it wasn’t for the distance between my feet and the edge of the bed. Being elf-sized, our queen bed feels bigger than a king.
    It’s already the afternoon. Not really Christmas morning anymore, it’s Christmas Day. I get up and put on a robe. Then wander into the bathroom.
     
     
    Boon is standing on a stool, grooving to a