Read Online Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick - Free Book Online Page A

doing any good.
    “Come on,” I tell my kids.
    I sneak up behind Tea and vacuum the coffee bird out of her opponent.
    She turns around.
    “You!” she says.
    “Hi,” I say.
    “Why aren’t you using your cabbage suit?” she asks.
    “Nobody told me how it works,” I say.
    “You should be fighting Frosty with Santa,” she says.
    I shrug at her.
    “I was rescuing my kids,” I say.
    “Here,” she says, pointing at my vacuum weapon. “Give me that. I’ll look after your kids for you.”
    She tells me how to use the cabbage suit and then points me in the direction of Santa and Frosty. Before I go, Angelica gives me a kiss on the cheek.
    “I can reach you now!” she says, happy with my new height.
    I snap a gun-finger at her and groove my way into the battlefield backwards.
     
     
    Backwards!
     
     
    I mean, how sly is that?
    Dodging through snowmen armed with icicle swords and ice cube shields, I make it into a large intersection of the city where Santa and Frosty are battling out their final showdown.
    Burt Reynolds Elf is nearby. He’s kneeling against a building, holding his wounds. Black blood drips over his fingers.
    “Where’s my wife?” I ask him.
    He points behind me.
    Decapitron is staggering towards us, dragging her candy cane sword through the snow. Her latex outfit is all sliced up with deep gashes in her chest and shoulders. One of her antlers is missing. As she arrives, she leans all of her weight on my shoulder and nearly crushes me. She’s almost twice my size now. I can’t hold her up anymore.
    “How’re the twins?” I ask.
    I go behind her. The boys are gurgling at each other. They look down at me and smile. I smile back and wink at them. I go to give Matty a cootchy-cootchy-coo on the bottom of his foot, but there’s nothing there. His foot has been cut off.
    “What the hell?” I cry.
    “What?” Decapitron moans.
    “His foot’s gone!” I cry.
    “So,” she says, annoyed with me. “He’ll live.”
    “He’s just a baby! You got his foot cut off!”
    She shrugs. “It’s fine.”
    “What kind of mom are you?” I say. “You fight zombies with your babies on your back!”
    “What kind of dad are you?” she says. “You’re four feet tall.”
    Burt Reynolds Elf laughs. He doesn’t seem to notice he’s about the same height as me.
    “I’m the kind of four feet tall dad who just saved his daughters,” I say.
    She makes a farting noise with her lips at me. It’s almost as if she’s drunk. She only acts this way towards me when she’s drunk. Then I notice a large wound on her head where the antler used to be. She’s probably got a concussion. She isn’t thinking straight.
     
     
    I turn back to look at the battle.
    It looks like Sausagey Santa must have gotten his nerves back after the reinforcements arrived. He is sliced up, dripping meat paste in the snow as he fights. His hat and white hair are missing, leaving just a balloon of sausage for a head. In one hand he fights with a large saber and in the other he has one of those vacuum weapons. He cuts at Frosty and sucks at his black soul liquid as well.
    But Frosty is in good shape. Whenever Santa cuts off any of his snow flesh, he just replenishes it with the snow from the ground. Whenever Santa vacuums some coffee out of his eyes, there are always more coffee birds in the air to join the pool inside his head. But when Santa gets hit by Frosty’s large sickle arms, the sausage that is lost cannot be refilled.
    Santa’s going to need my help for this battle. I pull my arms inside of my cabbage suit and find the controls, hoping I remember what Tea told me to do.
    “Hmm . . ” I say to myself, trying to find the right buttons without being able to see them.
     
     
    A scream fills the air as Frosty cuts Santa in half.
    Sausage legs wiggle on the ground as Santa’s torso crawls away from the snow man. He still sucks at him with his vacuum, but he’s lost his sword.
    I better help him now.
    “Hitler was a