Read Online Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick - Free Book Online

of there!” I yell at Skull Tattoo Elf.
    He looks down at me. “Huh?”
     
     
    The music stops and the lid of the box bursts open, sending Skull Tattoo Elf into the air. He crashes into the ceiling and his neck snaps. Then his limp body falls to the ground with a plop.
    I look up as a giant head turns to face me. It bobs up and down on its coiled neck.
    The jack-in-the-box doesn’t have the usual clown head, nor the pointy hat and pointy nose. Its head is a grotesque collection of body parts, frozen together into the shape of a head. I can see coffee birds swimming within its pinhole eyes.
    Unibrow Elf and I run away from it as the head hisses and slurps at us with the dismembered torso it uses for a tongue.
    It swings its head and the box jumps off the ground towards us. My daughters scream inside, as it begins hopping across the room. Unibrow Elf turns around to see how far away it is. The jack-in-the-box locks eyes with him and then speeds up, hopping three times hyper fast and then up high. Unibrow Elf cowers on the ground as the box smashes down on him, flattening him into a black sticky paste that oozes out from beneath the cage.
     
     
    The girls scream high-pitched as the jack hops after me. I stop and turn back. It locks eyes with mine and then charges at me. It hops three times fast and then goes up high over my head, covering my vision in shadow. But I roll out of the way behind its back before it gets me.
    I run for Skull Tattoo Elf’s body and remove his backpack. The meaty jack doesn’t realize that it didn’t crush me. It bobs in the corner of the room, basking in its supposed victory. Once I get the backpack on, I flip the vacuum’s switch and it whirs up.
    The Frankenstein head jerks at me and hisses. I see inside of its mouth and realize that there are a dozen hands at the back of its throat. Since the jack doesn’t have any vocal chords, the hands rub their palms together really fast to create the hissing noise.
    The jack charges at me, but I circle it with my vacuum pointed up. Black liquid drains out of its eye sockets towards me. Coffee Birds attempt to flee from the jack, but the vacuum has them in its pull. The jack attempts one more jump at me, but I hop cartwheel out of the way. When the sockets are sucked dry, the chunky head drops against the side of the box, its torso- tongue dangling out of its leg-lips.
    The girls cheer and clap for me.
    I do a moonwalk dance for them with gun-fingers pointing in the air. Then I do another cartwheel. It’s easy to do acrobatics when you’re small.
     
     
    I help Nora and Angelica out of their cage.
    “Why are you so short?” Angelica asks.
    “Elf magic,” I say.
    “You’re smaller than me,” Nora says.
    “I’ve always been smaller than you,” I say.
     

 
    CHAPTER NINE
    CLOCK SAUSAGE
     

 
     
    I take my daughters downstairs and exit the grinding station.
    Outside, there is a giant battle going on between an army of snowmen and an army of Dungeons and Dragons elves. Boon made it. He regrouped the scattered elf ships and brought them here safely.
    The shredded remains of zombies are sprinkled through the snow. Decapitron must have annihilated all of them. I scan the battlefield, but I don’t see antlers on any of the warriors. I can’t spot Boon, Santa, or Burt Reynolds Elf either.
    I hold out the vacuum to suck up any coffee birds that might be lingering in the zombie parts, just in case. I’m not taking any risks when my kids are involved.
    “Well?” Nora says.
    “What?” I ask.
    “Well, go fight,” she says.
    “I’m guarding you,” I say.
    “Cowards guard,” she says. “Heroes fight.”
    “You didn’t think I was a coward when I saved you back there,” I say.
    She rolls her eyes at me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. The growth on her head pulses with the movement of her eyes.
    I see Tea near the corner of the grinding station. She’s stabbing at a snowman with a spear, but it doesn’t seem to be