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Authors: Gary Thomas
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dishes while I sit down for a moment.”
I’ve seen too many women want these things but never directly make their requests. They think, “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” But the truth is, if he loves you, he’ll listen to your concern and act accordingly. Love is a commitment and a policy — not telepathy! It is far healthier to be direct and ask for help than to hope he “guesses” what you need. Most of us guys aren’t nearly as clued in to you as you are to us. So help us connect. Please, just ask — directly, concretely, and regularly.
Respect the Position Even When You Disagree with the Person
The Bible calls wives to respect their husbands: “The wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). It doesn’t say wives should respect perfect husbands or even godly husbands. It says that husbands — no qualifier — should be respected.
Respect, in some instances, comes with the position, not with the person. The apostle Paul insulted a man by using bold language (“you whitewashed wall!”) but then apologized after he learned he had been speaking to a high priest: “Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written, ‘Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people’ ” (Acts 23:3 – 5).
Your husband, because he is a husband , deserves respect. You may disagree with his judgment; you may object to the way he handles things — but according to the Bible, his position alone calls you to give him proper respect. If you withhold this respect, your husband may very well stop hearing you.
Give Him the Same Grace That God Gives You
Elyse Fitzpatrick, a counselor, once told her small group about how God had moved her from a legalistic, works-oriented faith to a “grace-filled, peaceful existence with my merciful heavenly Father.”
“The pressure is off me,” she told them. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I’m not pursuing holiness. It’s just that I know that my Father will get me where He wants me to be and that even my failures serve, in some way, to glorify Him. My relationship with God is growing to be all about His grace, His mercy, His power.”
Then Elyse’s friend “astounded” her by responding, “That must be such a blessing for your husband, Elyse. To be walking in that kind of grace must enable you to be so patient and so grace-filled with Phil. To know that God is working in him just as He’s working in you must make your marriage so sweet and your husband so pleased. It must be great for him to know that the pressure is off for him too.”
The reason this friend “astounded” Elyse is because Elyse rarely made the connection her friend made. “I scarcely ever extended to Phil the grace I enjoyed with the Lord. Instead, I was frequently more like the man in Jesus’ parable, who, after he was forgiven a great debt, went out and beat his fellow slave because he owed him some paltry sum.” 5
It takes great spiritual maturity to love mercy, to offer grace, to give someone the same spiritual benefits we ourselves have received from our heavenly Father. Get in touch with how much God has done for you — how he has seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed; heard every syllable of gossip; noticed every malicious, ugly, and hateful thought — and still, he loves you. Even more, he adores you. And he’s forgiven you.
Now comes the hard part: will you give your husband what God has given you?
Form Your Heart through Prayer
Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find the five or six things he does really well — or even just one or two! — and try to tire God out by thanking him for giving you a husband with these qualities. Follow up your prayers with comments or even greeting cards that thank your husband personally for who he is.
I’ve practiced this with my wife — with amazing results. One morning, I awoke early and immediately sensed my frustration from the previous evening. We had an
I’ve seen too many women want these things but never directly make their requests. They think, “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” But the truth is, if he loves you, he’ll listen to your concern and act accordingly. Love is a commitment and a policy — not telepathy! It is far healthier to be direct and ask for help than to hope he “guesses” what you need. Most of us guys aren’t nearly as clued in to you as you are to us. So help us connect. Please, just ask — directly, concretely, and regularly.
Respect the Position Even When You Disagree with the Person
The Bible calls wives to respect their husbands: “The wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). It doesn’t say wives should respect perfect husbands or even godly husbands. It says that husbands — no qualifier — should be respected.
Respect, in some instances, comes with the position, not with the person. The apostle Paul insulted a man by using bold language (“you whitewashed wall!”) but then apologized after he learned he had been speaking to a high priest: “Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written, ‘Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people’ ” (Acts 23:3 – 5).
Your husband, because he is a husband , deserves respect. You may disagree with his judgment; you may object to the way he handles things — but according to the Bible, his position alone calls you to give him proper respect. If you withhold this respect, your husband may very well stop hearing you.
Give Him the Same Grace That God Gives You
Elyse Fitzpatrick, a counselor, once told her small group about how God had moved her from a legalistic, works-oriented faith to a “grace-filled, peaceful existence with my merciful heavenly Father.”
“The pressure is off me,” she told them. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I’m not pursuing holiness. It’s just that I know that my Father will get me where He wants me to be and that even my failures serve, in some way, to glorify Him. My relationship with God is growing to be all about His grace, His mercy, His power.”
Then Elyse’s friend “astounded” her by responding, “That must be such a blessing for your husband, Elyse. To be walking in that kind of grace must enable you to be so patient and so grace-filled with Phil. To know that God is working in him just as He’s working in you must make your marriage so sweet and your husband so pleased. It must be great for him to know that the pressure is off for him too.”
The reason this friend “astounded” Elyse is because Elyse rarely made the connection her friend made. “I scarcely ever extended to Phil the grace I enjoyed with the Lord. Instead, I was frequently more like the man in Jesus’ parable, who, after he was forgiven a great debt, went out and beat his fellow slave because he owed him some paltry sum.” 5
It takes great spiritual maturity to love mercy, to offer grace, to give someone the same spiritual benefits we ourselves have received from our heavenly Father. Get in touch with how much God has done for you — how he has seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed; heard every syllable of gossip; noticed every malicious, ugly, and hateful thought — and still, he loves you. Even more, he adores you. And he’s forgiven you.
Now comes the hard part: will you give your husband what God has given you?
Form Your Heart through Prayer
Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find the five or six things he does really well — or even just one or two! — and try to tire God out by thanking him for giving you a husband with these qualities. Follow up your prayers with comments or even greeting cards that thank your husband personally for who he is.
I’ve practiced this with my wife — with amazing results. One morning, I awoke early and immediately sensed my frustration from the previous evening. We had an
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