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Authors: Gary Thomas
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freeze him in his incapacities with judgment, resentment, condemnation, and criticism? Can you maintain a nurturing attitude instead of a judgmental one?
Give Your Husband the Benefit of the Doubt
Some wives can literally stew in their disappointment about their husbands’ relational shortcomings — “Why won’t he help me?” “Why won’t he talk to me about this?” “Why doesn’t he seem to care?” — all the while failing to realize that their husbands may not know what to do. Many women accuse their husbands of being uncaring or unloving when, in fact, he may just be incompetent! He’s not trying to be stubborn, uncaring, or unfeeling; he just honestly doesn’t know what you need or what he’s supposed to do.
Norma Smalley, wife of Christian author Gary Smalley, found this to be true about the people in her married couple’s small group:
Women often feel that if their husbands loved them, the men would know what they are thinking and what they need. This simply isn’t true. As wives, we need to learn to speak our husbands’ language; we need to be direct in our communication and tell them what we want them to do. When we want them to listen to us and not give us advice, we need to tell them so. When we want their help on something, we need to ask them directly. 4
My brother once frustrated his wife even while trying to please her. The kids had run out of toothpaste, so he went to the store and purchased something he thought his kids would love — Star Wars toothpaste gel. His daughters squealed with delight, but his wife hated it. “Have you ever tried to clean up that blue gunk?” she pointed out. “It’s terrible, and it sticks everywhere!” Thankfully, she understood this as a case of good intentions gone bad.
Sadly, far too many wives refuse to give their husbands this ben-efit of the doubt. They assume he doesn’t care or, worse, that he’s trying to make their lives more difficult, when the reality may be that he just doesn’t have a clue. My sister-in-law could choose one of two ways to look at the toothpaste fiasco: either my brother cared enough to make the trip to buy the toothpaste (despite his poor choice), or he intentionally made his wife’s life more difficult by purchasing a brand that creates a cleaning nightmare.
How you choose to view your husband’s actions will largely determine whether you feel pleased with him or furious with him.
May I slay a very destructive myth? Perhaps you think that the more your husband loves you, the better he’ll become at reading your mind. That’s a romantic but highly unrealistic, and even destructive, notion. It can create havoc in a marriage, and it hinders mature communication by keeping you from being direct, while at the same time tempting you toward resentment when your husband proves utterly incapable of telepathy.
Let me suggest a much healthier strategy. Instead of resenting your husband’s occasional insensitivity, based at least partially (remember — you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt) on clue-lessness, try to address him in a straightforward manner. Be direct instead of hoping he’ll “guess” what you need. His seeming reluctance to help may well result from his having no idea what you want. My friend Donna Burgess told me that, early on in her marriage, she said to her husband, “Honey, the lightbulb is out” — and her husband thought she was making an observation, while she thought she was making a request of him to change it.
Consider some other examples:
“Honey, I’d really love it if you would rub my feet for ten minutes. I’ve had a hard day.”
“I’m feeling very discouraged today. Will you please listen to me talk for the next half hour? I don’t want advice, but I do want you to understand. I need some strong shoulders right now.”
“Boy, it’s been an exhausting day at work. I was kind of hoping we could have sex tonight, but it’ll really help if you’ll finish up these
Give Your Husband the Benefit of the Doubt
Some wives can literally stew in their disappointment about their husbands’ relational shortcomings — “Why won’t he help me?” “Why won’t he talk to me about this?” “Why doesn’t he seem to care?” — all the while failing to realize that their husbands may not know what to do. Many women accuse their husbands of being uncaring or unloving when, in fact, he may just be incompetent! He’s not trying to be stubborn, uncaring, or unfeeling; he just honestly doesn’t know what you need or what he’s supposed to do.
Norma Smalley, wife of Christian author Gary Smalley, found this to be true about the people in her married couple’s small group:
Women often feel that if their husbands loved them, the men would know what they are thinking and what they need. This simply isn’t true. As wives, we need to learn to speak our husbands’ language; we need to be direct in our communication and tell them what we want them to do. When we want them to listen to us and not give us advice, we need to tell them so. When we want their help on something, we need to ask them directly. 4
My brother once frustrated his wife even while trying to please her. The kids had run out of toothpaste, so he went to the store and purchased something he thought his kids would love — Star Wars toothpaste gel. His daughters squealed with delight, but his wife hated it. “Have you ever tried to clean up that blue gunk?” she pointed out. “It’s terrible, and it sticks everywhere!” Thankfully, she understood this as a case of good intentions gone bad.
Sadly, far too many wives refuse to give their husbands this ben-efit of the doubt. They assume he doesn’t care or, worse, that he’s trying to make their lives more difficult, when the reality may be that he just doesn’t have a clue. My sister-in-law could choose one of two ways to look at the toothpaste fiasco: either my brother cared enough to make the trip to buy the toothpaste (despite his poor choice), or he intentionally made his wife’s life more difficult by purchasing a brand that creates a cleaning nightmare.
How you choose to view your husband’s actions will largely determine whether you feel pleased with him or furious with him.
May I slay a very destructive myth? Perhaps you think that the more your husband loves you, the better he’ll become at reading your mind. That’s a romantic but highly unrealistic, and even destructive, notion. It can create havoc in a marriage, and it hinders mature communication by keeping you from being direct, while at the same time tempting you toward resentment when your husband proves utterly incapable of telepathy.
Let me suggest a much healthier strategy. Instead of resenting your husband’s occasional insensitivity, based at least partially (remember — you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt) on clue-lessness, try to address him in a straightforward manner. Be direct instead of hoping he’ll “guess” what you need. His seeming reluctance to help may well result from his having no idea what you want. My friend Donna Burgess told me that, early on in her marriage, she said to her husband, “Honey, the lightbulb is out” — and her husband thought she was making an observation, while she thought she was making a request of him to change it.
Consider some other examples:
“Honey, I’d really love it if you would rub my feet for ten minutes. I’ve had a hard day.”
“I’m feeling very discouraged today. Will you please listen to me talk for the next half hour? I don’t want advice, but I do want you to understand. I need some strong shoulders right now.”
“Boy, it’s been an exhausting day at work. I was kind of hoping we could have sex tonight, but it’ll really help if you’ll finish up these
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