you’ve established a firm foundation of love and encouragement. For now, you must make a conscious choice to give thanks for his strengths.
I have found Philippians 4:8 as relevant for marriage as it is for life: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”
Obsessing over your husband’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. You may have done that for years — and if so, what has it gotten you, besides more of the same? Leslie Vernick warns, “Regularly thinking negatively about your husband increases your dissatisfaction with him and your marriage.” Affirming your husband’s strengths, however, will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character in others.
Guys rise to praise. When someone compliments us, we want to keep that person’s positive opinion intact. We love how it feels when our wives respect us; we get a rush like nothing else when we hear her praise or see that look of awe in her eyes — and we will all but travel the ends of the earth to keep it coming.
Isn’t this approach, based in God’s Word, at least worth a try?
To make this realistic, you have to keep in mind that no man is ever “on” all the time. This explains why your husband can be so thoughtful, caring, and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next. You have to give your husband room to be a less-than-perfect human, to have bad days, “off” days, and “average” days. The spiritual challenge comes from the fact that you are likely more apt to define your husband by his bad days than you are to accept the good days as the norm. Hold on to the good; begin to define him by the good; thank him (and God) for the good — and thereby reinforce the good.
The rest of this chapter will provide practical spiritual exercises to help you learn how to appreciate an imperfect man. My prayer is that it will guide you away from taking your husband for granted and toward becoming intensely and consistently grateful for the man God has given you as a companion in this journey of life.
Nurture Instead of Condemn
In my boyhood days, our family had a pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One fateful afternoon, she finally caught one and got seriously injured. My dad ran out to the road to retrieve the dog — and our family pet became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, that poodle kept biting my dad as he gathered her into his arms. He had rushed to help her, to try to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she could only bite the very hands trying to nurture her.
Your husband can be like that. Even if he had extraordinary parents, he most likely still brings some element of woundedness into your marriage. Maybe his siblings teased him. Maybe a former girlfriend broke his heart. Maybe he had a cold and calculating mother. The possibilities are endless — except that he comes to you as a hurting man. Maybe you even married a deeply wounded man. Unfortunately, hurting men bite; sometimes, like our dog, they bite the very hands that try to bring healing.
Before a casual relationship morphs into a permanent commitment, many women see a hurting man and think, “I want to help him.” But something about marriage often turns that around and makes her say, “Why does he have to be that way?” The man’s needs once elicited feelings of nurture and compassion; now these same hurts tempt his wife toward bitterness and regret.
Before you get married is the time to make a character-based judgment (“Do I really want to live with this man’s wounds?”). Once the ceremony has ended, God challenges you to maintain an attitude of concern and nurture instead of one of resentment and frustration.
Can you maintain a soft heart over past hurts, patiently praying for long-term change? Or will you
I have found Philippians 4:8 as relevant for marriage as it is for life: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”
Obsessing over your husband’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. You may have done that for years — and if so, what has it gotten you, besides more of the same? Leslie Vernick warns, “Regularly thinking negatively about your husband increases your dissatisfaction with him and your marriage.” Affirming your husband’s strengths, however, will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character in others.
Guys rise to praise. When someone compliments us, we want to keep that person’s positive opinion intact. We love how it feels when our wives respect us; we get a rush like nothing else when we hear her praise or see that look of awe in her eyes — and we will all but travel the ends of the earth to keep it coming.
Isn’t this approach, based in God’s Word, at least worth a try?
To make this realistic, you have to keep in mind that no man is ever “on” all the time. This explains why your husband can be so thoughtful, caring, and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next. You have to give your husband room to be a less-than-perfect human, to have bad days, “off” days, and “average” days. The spiritual challenge comes from the fact that you are likely more apt to define your husband by his bad days than you are to accept the good days as the norm. Hold on to the good; begin to define him by the good; thank him (and God) for the good — and thereby reinforce the good.
The rest of this chapter will provide practical spiritual exercises to help you learn how to appreciate an imperfect man. My prayer is that it will guide you away from taking your husband for granted and toward becoming intensely and consistently grateful for the man God has given you as a companion in this journey of life.
Nurture Instead of Condemn
In my boyhood days, our family had a pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One fateful afternoon, she finally caught one and got seriously injured. My dad ran out to the road to retrieve the dog — and our family pet became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, that poodle kept biting my dad as he gathered her into his arms. He had rushed to help her, to try to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she could only bite the very hands trying to nurture her.
Your husband can be like that. Even if he had extraordinary parents, he most likely still brings some element of woundedness into your marriage. Maybe his siblings teased him. Maybe a former girlfriend broke his heart. Maybe he had a cold and calculating mother. The possibilities are endless — except that he comes to you as a hurting man. Maybe you even married a deeply wounded man. Unfortunately, hurting men bite; sometimes, like our dog, they bite the very hands that try to bring healing.
Before a casual relationship morphs into a permanent commitment, many women see a hurting man and think, “I want to help him.” But something about marriage often turns that around and makes her say, “Why does he have to be that way?” The man’s needs once elicited feelings of nurture and compassion; now these same hurts tempt his wife toward bitterness and regret.
Before you get married is the time to make a character-based judgment (“Do I really want to live with this man’s wounds?”). Once the ceremony has ended, God challenges you to maintain an attitude of concern and nurture instead of one of resentment and frustration.
Can you maintain a soft heart over past hurts, patiently praying for long-term change? Or will you
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