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Authors: N.R. Walker
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understood that. He understood me.
I let Shelby run herself out before bringin’ her to a stop, and Travis did the same. I slid off her back and walked a few metres in the red dirt, finally breathing in gulps of air. I ran my hands through my hair and screamed, “Fuck!”
I had to let it out. The frustration, the anger, the unknown.
I turned around and Travis was right there.
“How could she do this?” I asked. “How can she just waltz in and turn every-fucking-thing upside down?”
Trav nodded, but he never said anything. Like the desert, he just listened.
“Who the fuck does she think she is?” I ran my hands through my hair again. “You know what? I don’t care about her— it’s not about her —I have a mother, and it is not that woman.” I pointed back toward the homestead, back to where Laura had been. “I sat across from her and felt nothing. But this?”
Travis swallowed hard, his eyes were full of love and concern.
“Do you know how long I spent alone out here?” I asked him. “Do you know how I wished—how I wished so hard—that I had someone? Someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, someone on my side? Jesus fucking Christ,” I groaned. “I had to ask one of the station hands or George to play cricket or handball, because I had no one! My whole fucking life.”
Travis put his hand to my face, his thumb wiping away my tears. “Oh, Charlie.”
I threw my arms around him and hugged him so damn hard. He didn’t seem to mind, he held me just as tight. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, and Laura’s words replayed in my mind.
She’d gone a bit pale, her eyes wide. “How do you know that name?” she’d whispered.
“I found newspaper clippings in the things my father hid in the roof.”
“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I won’t lie to you, Charlie,” she’d said, more to herself than to me. She’d looked scared as hell and as though she was trying to swallow but her mouth was too dry. “Sam is my son. Charlie, he’s your brother.”
My world went all quiet after that.
There was a barrage of information. Her words kept spilling out, like a gunshot wound that kept bleeding, darkness seeping from the skin. And all I could hear was my pulse in my ears.
“When I told your father I was pregnant, he made me leave. You have to understand, Charlie, I didn’t want to go. He told me not to come back until I got rid of it. He was a troubled man. He was…”
I shook my head. None of what she was saying made sense.
“I stayed in Alice until he was born. I thought your dad might see reason. I tried to see you, Charlie, I tried so many times…”
She’d put her hand out as if to touch my arm, and I’d pulled away quickly, unsteady. Then Travis had pulled me inside the house and George was telling her to leave, and I couldn’t breathe.
And there it was, a heaviness that pressed against my chest, a feeling so familiar and horrible.
How could so few words weigh so damn much?
* * * *
Travis and I sat not far from where we’d stopped. He’d found a bit of a rise, and we sat there until the sun headed toward its western bed. First he listened to me rant and rave, and then he listened to me sayin’ a whole lotta nothing. He was just there, so full of patience, that it was clear how stupid I was thinkin’ I could possibly live without him back not so long ago.
I took his hand and threaded our fingers together. “Thank you,” I said.
“What for?”
“For everything. For knowing what I needed. I needed room to breathe and to think, and you just knew. For knowing when I need silence or a kick in the pants.” He smiled at that, and I shrugged. “I dunno how you do it.”
He sighed, long and loud, and looked out over the desert. “Some days I think I’ve got you all figured out, then other days I realise I don’t have the first clue.”
“Sorry to keep you guessing,” I said quietly.
Travis’s laugh carried across the open plain.
I let Shelby run herself out before bringin’ her to a stop, and Travis did the same. I slid off her back and walked a few metres in the red dirt, finally breathing in gulps of air. I ran my hands through my hair and screamed, “Fuck!”
I had to let it out. The frustration, the anger, the unknown.
I turned around and Travis was right there.
“How could she do this?” I asked. “How can she just waltz in and turn every-fucking-thing upside down?”
Trav nodded, but he never said anything. Like the desert, he just listened.
“Who the fuck does she think she is?” I ran my hands through my hair again. “You know what? I don’t care about her— it’s not about her —I have a mother, and it is not that woman.” I pointed back toward the homestead, back to where Laura had been. “I sat across from her and felt nothing. But this?”
Travis swallowed hard, his eyes were full of love and concern.
“Do you know how long I spent alone out here?” I asked him. “Do you know how I wished—how I wished so hard—that I had someone? Someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, someone on my side? Jesus fucking Christ,” I groaned. “I had to ask one of the station hands or George to play cricket or handball, because I had no one! My whole fucking life.”
Travis put his hand to my face, his thumb wiping away my tears. “Oh, Charlie.”
I threw my arms around him and hugged him so damn hard. He didn’t seem to mind, he held me just as tight. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, and Laura’s words replayed in my mind.
She’d gone a bit pale, her eyes wide. “How do you know that name?” she’d whispered.
“I found newspaper clippings in the things my father hid in the roof.”
“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I won’t lie to you, Charlie,” she’d said, more to herself than to me. She’d looked scared as hell and as though she was trying to swallow but her mouth was too dry. “Sam is my son. Charlie, he’s your brother.”
My world went all quiet after that.
There was a barrage of information. Her words kept spilling out, like a gunshot wound that kept bleeding, darkness seeping from the skin. And all I could hear was my pulse in my ears.
“When I told your father I was pregnant, he made me leave. You have to understand, Charlie, I didn’t want to go. He told me not to come back until I got rid of it. He was a troubled man. He was…”
I shook my head. None of what she was saying made sense.
“I stayed in Alice until he was born. I thought your dad might see reason. I tried to see you, Charlie, I tried so many times…”
She’d put her hand out as if to touch my arm, and I’d pulled away quickly, unsteady. Then Travis had pulled me inside the house and George was telling her to leave, and I couldn’t breathe.
And there it was, a heaviness that pressed against my chest, a feeling so familiar and horrible.
How could so few words weigh so damn much?
* * * *
Travis and I sat not far from where we’d stopped. He’d found a bit of a rise, and we sat there until the sun headed toward its western bed. First he listened to me rant and rave, and then he listened to me sayin’ a whole lotta nothing. He was just there, so full of patience, that it was clear how stupid I was thinkin’ I could possibly live without him back not so long ago.
I took his hand and threaded our fingers together. “Thank you,” I said.
“What for?”
“For everything. For knowing what I needed. I needed room to breathe and to think, and you just knew. For knowing when I need silence or a kick in the pants.” He smiled at that, and I shrugged. “I dunno how you do it.”
He sighed, long and loud, and looked out over the desert. “Some days I think I’ve got you all figured out, then other days I realise I don’t have the first clue.”
“Sorry to keep you guessing,” I said quietly.
Travis’s laugh carried across the open plain.
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