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Book: Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss by Walter Knight, James Boedeker
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Authors: Walter Knight, James Boedeker
Tags: Science-Fiction, adventure, Literature & Fiction, Action & Adventure, Military, War & Military, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Genre Fiction
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good? ”
“ It ’ s a acquired taste, but no more than armadillo. I ’ ll ask around. Some people don ’ t like hare in their soup. Go figure. ”
“ Yes, sergeant. ”
As Telk continued carving up his next meal, a new fantasy overtook him...
* * * * *
Born the son of a king in the mountains of Carpathia, Randal Telk, Jr. was only one day old when the entire royal family was murdered by assassins hired by Rome. Telk was rescued and hidden by his nanny, a witch. Pagan prophesy told of a child born of slain royal blood, friend of beast and man, destined to be a great warrior and lover. The child would have one blue eye of his father, and one brown eye of the beast. The witch gazed into the infant ’ s blue and brown eyes, knowing this was the child of the prophesy. She would have her turn when the Beast Master came of age.
Telk grew fast, developing an uncanny knack with animals. Telk claimed to have a telepathic connection to animals. Women leered at his presence. Telk pretended not to notice, but could smell they were in heat.
Telk ’ s constant companions were a spotted cave lion and a hawk. They helped raise Telk. Two ferrets tried to hang out, but Telk learned early on not to trust weasels, so he fed them to his pets. At age thirteen , Telk lost his virginity to his nanny witch. Contrary to popular mythology, witches are hot. The nanny also introduced Telk to tobacco, Outlaw Beer, and Carpathia Gold, a magic dust made from high mountain poppies.
Telk ’ s animal friends gave him sage advice on lovemaking. The cave lion advised, “ Bite her on the neck. If she resists, swat her a good whack, but do not use your claws unless she tries to bite you back. Mount her from behind and hold on by the scruff of the neck like you have a tiger by the tail, and until you are finished about a minute later. ”
Not wanting to be left out, the hawk weighed in, too. “ Jump from a high cliff and make love as you twirl and fall to the ground. The view and experience will be exhilarating! ”
“ Shut the fuck up, ” argued the spotted lion. “ That will not work. You have to bite your mate! ”
“ It always works for me, ” bragged the hawk, his feelings hurt, flying off in search of conquests to prove his point. “ I will show you, stupid pussy cat! ”
To round off Telk ’ s education , the nanny witch hired a wise warrior from Greece named Colingulos to train Telk in the art of battle. Soon Telk could kick ass on everyone in the village. It was time for new challenges, so in keeping with Greek tradition, Colingul o s suggested they go on a quest to steal brides from a far away land. Colingulos would be Telk ’ s wingman. Telk, Colingulos, the cave lion, and the hawk traveled from village to village , searching for the perfect woman.
Life on the road was an adventure, fraught with danger. Following time - tested customs of the animal kingdom, Telk sniffed new prospects vigorously. Many were put off by not passing the sniff test. But one, a Viking maiden named Yolanda, smelled especially pure. She smelled of rose petals, even better than clover - scented sheep. Telk carried Yolanda off in a traditional Carpathian wedding sack, showed her the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to animal sexual bliss, and had a big fat Greek wedding ceremony. They lived happily ever after, until Rome conquered the Balkans, burned it all down, and made everyone take a bath, even the Albanians.
* * * * *
Reality sucks, thought Private Telk, eying a rabbit family in his scope, firing full automatic. Veal , rabbit , and a rmadillo stew! “ Booyah! ” exclaimed Telk, clinching his fist in the air.
Sergeant Williams let out a rebel yell as he leaped from the bunker to fetch dinner. “ Good shooting, Telk! You got them all! ”
“ I will embrace change, I will survive! ” vowed Telk. “ I will get my wife back, or die trying. Rome was not burned in a day! ”
* * * * *
It was settled. Private Telk was
“ It ’ s a acquired taste, but no more than armadillo. I ’ ll ask around. Some people don ’ t like hare in their soup. Go figure. ”
“ Yes, sergeant. ”
As Telk continued carving up his next meal, a new fantasy overtook him...
* * * * *
Born the son of a king in the mountains of Carpathia, Randal Telk, Jr. was only one day old when the entire royal family was murdered by assassins hired by Rome. Telk was rescued and hidden by his nanny, a witch. Pagan prophesy told of a child born of slain royal blood, friend of beast and man, destined to be a great warrior and lover. The child would have one blue eye of his father, and one brown eye of the beast. The witch gazed into the infant ’ s blue and brown eyes, knowing this was the child of the prophesy. She would have her turn when the Beast Master came of age.
Telk grew fast, developing an uncanny knack with animals. Telk claimed to have a telepathic connection to animals. Women leered at his presence. Telk pretended not to notice, but could smell they were in heat.
Telk ’ s constant companions were a spotted cave lion and a hawk. They helped raise Telk. Two ferrets tried to hang out, but Telk learned early on not to trust weasels, so he fed them to his pets. At age thirteen , Telk lost his virginity to his nanny witch. Contrary to popular mythology, witches are hot. The nanny also introduced Telk to tobacco, Outlaw Beer, and Carpathia Gold, a magic dust made from high mountain poppies.
Telk ’ s animal friends gave him sage advice on lovemaking. The cave lion advised, “ Bite her on the neck. If she resists, swat her a good whack, but do not use your claws unless she tries to bite you back. Mount her from behind and hold on by the scruff of the neck like you have a tiger by the tail, and until you are finished about a minute later. ”
Not wanting to be left out, the hawk weighed in, too. “ Jump from a high cliff and make love as you twirl and fall to the ground. The view and experience will be exhilarating! ”
“ Shut the fuck up, ” argued the spotted lion. “ That will not work. You have to bite your mate! ”
“ It always works for me, ” bragged the hawk, his feelings hurt, flying off in search of conquests to prove his point. “ I will show you, stupid pussy cat! ”
To round off Telk ’ s education , the nanny witch hired a wise warrior from Greece named Colingulos to train Telk in the art of battle. Soon Telk could kick ass on everyone in the village. It was time for new challenges, so in keeping with Greek tradition, Colingul o s suggested they go on a quest to steal brides from a far away land. Colingulos would be Telk ’ s wingman. Telk, Colingulos, the cave lion, and the hawk traveled from village to village , searching for the perfect woman.
Life on the road was an adventure, fraught with danger. Following time - tested customs of the animal kingdom, Telk sniffed new prospects vigorously. Many were put off by not passing the sniff test. But one, a Viking maiden named Yolanda, smelled especially pure. She smelled of rose petals, even better than clover - scented sheep. Telk carried Yolanda off in a traditional Carpathian wedding sack, showed her the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to animal sexual bliss, and had a big fat Greek wedding ceremony. They lived happily ever after, until Rome conquered the Balkans, burned it all down, and made everyone take a bath, even the Albanians.
* * * * *
Reality sucks, thought Private Telk, eying a rabbit family in his scope, firing full automatic. Veal , rabbit , and a rmadillo stew! “ Booyah! ” exclaimed Telk, clinching his fist in the air.
Sergeant Williams let out a rebel yell as he leaped from the bunker to fetch dinner. “ Good shooting, Telk! You got them all! ”
“ I will embrace change, I will survive! ” vowed Telk. “ I will get my wife back, or die trying. Rome was not burned in a day! ”
* * * * *
It was settled. Private Telk was
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