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Book: Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss by Walter Knight, James Boedeker
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Authors: Walter Knight, James Boedeker
Tags: Science-Fiction, adventure, Literature & Fiction, Action & Adventure, Military, War & Military, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Genre Fiction
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”
“ That ’ s why the Legion grants us a new start, ” added Private Telk, enthused. “ And amnesty from the IRS. ”
“ When it rains, most birds head for shelter ,” Patton went on . “ The eagle is the only bird that, to avoid rain, flies above the clouds. An eagle can identify a rabbit moving a mile away. That means an eagle flying at an altitude of one thousand feet over open country can spot prey over an area of almost three square miles from a fixed position. It ’ s like the scope on my new battle tank. God wants humanity to spread its wings to soar with eagles and conquer the galaxy. ”
Chapter 10
Most people knew the desert w as hot, hot , hot, but forg o t that at night the desert was often not, not, not. Private Telk shivered from the cold wind blowing from the mountains. Winter in the New Gobi wa s harsh enough, but now it was raining.
Telk longed for a normal winter. Snow was much better than the rain, flash floods, and mud of New Colorado. Wet clay stuck heavy to Telk ’ s boots as he walked. His bunker filled with water. Tents leaked. If Telk was at home, he would just go inside, but the Legion d idn’t live inside.
“ It doesn ’ t rain in the Legion, it rains on the Legion! ” shouted Sergeant Williams, ignoring Telk ’ s complaints.
What ’ s that supposed to mean? Private Telk groused silently. Complaining to Sergeant Williams was pointless. Telk hated Williams. Patton ’ s advice was to adapt. Telk gave that more thought, covering himself with tarp from his tent. An eagle would fly off, above the clouds, but desertion was a capital offense. Telk drifted, dreaming of home and snow and better times in Lake Placid, New York. ..
* * * * *
Randal Benshoof Telk, America ’ s foremost men ’ s singles luge racer, propelled the United States single - handed to dominance in the very dangerous and competitive Olympic sport of downhill luge racing. Reaching speeds of over one-hundred-sixty miles per hour, Telk was again going for the gold. Steering by dozens of subtle moves made by flexing the blade runners with his calf muscles, and exerting positive shoulder pressure to the seat, Telk streaked down the track, head low, riding flat , and planning for an aerodynamic streak toward the finish line.
By freak accident, or maybe Canadian sabotage – aye ! – the front runner blade came off as the sled hit a bump. It was a ‘ White World of Sports ’ greatest most painful moment, forever etched in the retinas of drunk late - night TV viewers. Telk ’ s body was thrown like a rag doll across a beer garden, through trees, over a cliff, and into the ocean filled with stinging jellyfish and frenzied great white sharks at the height of mating season. Telk courageously fought the sharks off long enough to be carried toward shore by a dolphin, before they both were mangled by a boat propeller. Nearly d rowning in an abandoned fish net, Telk washed up on shore where he crawled to a busy street and was struck by a hit-and-run cab. Grim Reaper gang members robbed Telk of his shoes . B elieving in karma, they dropped him off at a hospital emergency center that gave out free needles and condoms.
A horrified America demanded that the dolphin be saved. Too late, the dolphin had already been processed into yummy cat food. Being an election year, the President was quick to act. Bother Barack announced that in keeping with his campaign promise of lots of free stuff for everyone, no expense would be spared to fix Randal B enshoof Telk, America ’ s luge hero. The best cyborg and science fiction specialists were called in. Even world - famous science - fiction writer Walter Knight was consulted, recommending euthanasia and dolphin - safe fish nets.
World renowned Albert Einstein College of Medicine Yeshiva University Professor and Dr. Prabhakar Hargundu – not related in any way with the camel Hargundu of the same name, famous star of camel food commercials and porn movies
“ That ’ s why the Legion grants us a new start, ” added Private Telk, enthused. “ And amnesty from the IRS. ”
“ When it rains, most birds head for shelter ,” Patton went on . “ The eagle is the only bird that, to avoid rain, flies above the clouds. An eagle can identify a rabbit moving a mile away. That means an eagle flying at an altitude of one thousand feet over open country can spot prey over an area of almost three square miles from a fixed position. It ’ s like the scope on my new battle tank. God wants humanity to spread its wings to soar with eagles and conquer the galaxy. ”
Chapter 10
Most people knew the desert w as hot, hot , hot, but forg o t that at night the desert was often not, not, not. Private Telk shivered from the cold wind blowing from the mountains. Winter in the New Gobi wa s harsh enough, but now it was raining.
Telk longed for a normal winter. Snow was much better than the rain, flash floods, and mud of New Colorado. Wet clay stuck heavy to Telk ’ s boots as he walked. His bunker filled with water. Tents leaked. If Telk was at home, he would just go inside, but the Legion d idn’t live inside.
“ It doesn ’ t rain in the Legion, it rains on the Legion! ” shouted Sergeant Williams, ignoring Telk ’ s complaints.
What ’ s that supposed to mean? Private Telk groused silently. Complaining to Sergeant Williams was pointless. Telk hated Williams. Patton ’ s advice was to adapt. Telk gave that more thought, covering himself with tarp from his tent. An eagle would fly off, above the clouds, but desertion was a capital offense. Telk drifted, dreaming of home and snow and better times in Lake Placid, New York. ..
* * * * *
Randal Benshoof Telk, America ’ s foremost men ’ s singles luge racer, propelled the United States single - handed to dominance in the very dangerous and competitive Olympic sport of downhill luge racing. Reaching speeds of over one-hundred-sixty miles per hour, Telk was again going for the gold. Steering by dozens of subtle moves made by flexing the blade runners with his calf muscles, and exerting positive shoulder pressure to the seat, Telk streaked down the track, head low, riding flat , and planning for an aerodynamic streak toward the finish line.
By freak accident, or maybe Canadian sabotage – aye ! – the front runner blade came off as the sled hit a bump. It was a ‘ White World of Sports ’ greatest most painful moment, forever etched in the retinas of drunk late - night TV viewers. Telk ’ s body was thrown like a rag doll across a beer garden, through trees, over a cliff, and into the ocean filled with stinging jellyfish and frenzied great white sharks at the height of mating season. Telk courageously fought the sharks off long enough to be carried toward shore by a dolphin, before they both were mangled by a boat propeller. Nearly d rowning in an abandoned fish net, Telk washed up on shore where he crawled to a busy street and was struck by a hit-and-run cab. Grim Reaper gang members robbed Telk of his shoes . B elieving in karma, they dropped him off at a hospital emergency center that gave out free needles and condoms.
A horrified America demanded that the dolphin be saved. Too late, the dolphin had already been processed into yummy cat food. Being an election year, the President was quick to act. Bother Barack announced that in keeping with his campaign promise of lots of free stuff for everyone, no expense would be spared to fix Randal B enshoof Telk, America ’ s luge hero. The best cyborg and science fiction specialists were called in. Even world - famous science - fiction writer Walter Knight was consulted, recommending euthanasia and dolphin - safe fish nets.
World renowned Albert Einstein College of Medicine Yeshiva University Professor and Dr. Prabhakar Hargundu – not related in any way with the camel Hargundu of the same name, famous star of camel food commercials and porn movies
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