Read Online Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything by Kevin Seccia - Free Book Online
Authors: Kevin Seccia
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inside out like a poor person on line for week-old soup.
Another thing I’ve noticed—these boxing kangaroos are not gentlemen in the ring. One time I saw one who kept punching after the bell! And it only stopped punching when two of its corner men dragged him off. They had to shoot him with a tranq gun.
This happened after almost every round. The exception was after Round 5 when the kangaroo immediately went to a neutral corner and began lapping up some water that had been spilled.
Your opponent has the following weapons in its arsenal. Two mule kick-like punches to punch you with, as well as two kangaroo kick-like kicks to kick you with. I’m not sure which is more lethal, you’d have to ask the ghost of the guy who’s been hit by both. THAT’S HOW LETHAL THEY ARE.
Step One: Avoid the clumsy blows of the ’roo and wait for it to disqualify itself. While this technically counts as a win, since this is a book about “beating things up” not “beating something on a technicality that will count but everyone will know is bullshit and will mark you as a coward,” there’s more.
Step Two: Jump into the ’roo’s pouch. If there’s a hidden weapon in there, one he’d been planning to use on you, grab it and use it ON HIM. If not, just wait in there quietly.
Step Three: Inflate the blow-up body double of yourself that you carry with you at all times.
Step Four: Using your pocketknife (either the blade or the “awl” tool, if your knife has one, or else the toothpick assuming you didn’t lose it within about forty-five seconds of buying your pocketknife) make a tiny hole in the pouch at your eye level. Look out the hole.
Step Five: When you see the ’roo pulling back his arm, preparing to punch you, quickly leap from the pouch! His fist will miss you and land on his own stomach. Thanks to your blow-up double, he’ll assume you’re still in there and will continue to punch himself until he knocks himself out.
Step Six: RUN! That angry crowd of Aussies screaming bloody murder outside the ring will kill you if they get their hands on you! Dolly was the bar’s mascot, and you just made her kill herself!
HOW TO BEAT UP A MONKEY WITH A HAMMER
You beat up a monkey with a hammer the same way you beat up a monkey without a hammer, with one difference. The addition of the extra step: AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. Otherwise, it’s identical.
If you do end up taking a full-force, monkey-swung, hammer-shot to the noggin, IMMEDIATELY—regardless of which step of “beating up an unarmed monkey” you are on—STOP. Then go directly to the following step: AVOID A FOLLOW-UP SHOT TO THE FACE FROM THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. This is kind of a big one. If you had to skip a step from the plan, due to time constraints, or whatever, I’d strongly urge you to skip “bow to your monkey opponent” or even “gloat over your defeated monkey rival” before you decided to omit this much more important step.
If this proves impossible and the monkey strikes you once again in the cranium with the wrought-iron hammer swung with centuries of muscle-memory imbued simian might, DO NOT PANIC. That’s crucial … but not as crucial as what I’m about to tell you. PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MONKEY’S NEXT HAMMER BLOW. Could we just fucking focus on that? Please? I mean, really, really try.
If he manages to strike you again, in the head region, with that hammer he clearly loooooves swinging so much … um, it’s cool. Totally no big deal. Just shimmy backward away from the monkey on your hands and rear as quickly as you are able. Wipe the blood and tears from your eyes and various head wounds. You’re still in this fight, so remain calm. You can do this, champ!
However, if when looking around you happen to spot a loved one or someone you have urgent business or affairs with, you may want to shout any important information at them. Location of hidden treasures, life insurance policy numbers, etc.
Another thing I’ve noticed—these boxing kangaroos are not gentlemen in the ring. One time I saw one who kept punching after the bell! And it only stopped punching when two of its corner men dragged him off. They had to shoot him with a tranq gun.
This happened after almost every round. The exception was after Round 5 when the kangaroo immediately went to a neutral corner and began lapping up some water that had been spilled.
Your opponent has the following weapons in its arsenal. Two mule kick-like punches to punch you with, as well as two kangaroo kick-like kicks to kick you with. I’m not sure which is more lethal, you’d have to ask the ghost of the guy who’s been hit by both. THAT’S HOW LETHAL THEY ARE.
Step One: Avoid the clumsy blows of the ’roo and wait for it to disqualify itself. While this technically counts as a win, since this is a book about “beating things up” not “beating something on a technicality that will count but everyone will know is bullshit and will mark you as a coward,” there’s more.
Step Two: Jump into the ’roo’s pouch. If there’s a hidden weapon in there, one he’d been planning to use on you, grab it and use it ON HIM. If not, just wait in there quietly.
Step Three: Inflate the blow-up body double of yourself that you carry with you at all times.
Step Four: Using your pocketknife (either the blade or the “awl” tool, if your knife has one, or else the toothpick assuming you didn’t lose it within about forty-five seconds of buying your pocketknife) make a tiny hole in the pouch at your eye level. Look out the hole.
Step Five: When you see the ’roo pulling back his arm, preparing to punch you, quickly leap from the pouch! His fist will miss you and land on his own stomach. Thanks to your blow-up double, he’ll assume you’re still in there and will continue to punch himself until he knocks himself out.
Step Six: RUN! That angry crowd of Aussies screaming bloody murder outside the ring will kill you if they get their hands on you! Dolly was the bar’s mascot, and you just made her kill herself!
HOW TO BEAT UP A MONKEY WITH A HAMMER
You beat up a monkey with a hammer the same way you beat up a monkey without a hammer, with one difference. The addition of the extra step: AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. Otherwise, it’s identical.
If you do end up taking a full-force, monkey-swung, hammer-shot to the noggin, IMMEDIATELY—regardless of which step of “beating up an unarmed monkey” you are on—STOP. Then go directly to the following step: AVOID A FOLLOW-UP SHOT TO THE FACE FROM THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. This is kind of a big one. If you had to skip a step from the plan, due to time constraints, or whatever, I’d strongly urge you to skip “bow to your monkey opponent” or even “gloat over your defeated monkey rival” before you decided to omit this much more important step.
If this proves impossible and the monkey strikes you once again in the cranium with the wrought-iron hammer swung with centuries of muscle-memory imbued simian might, DO NOT PANIC. That’s crucial … but not as crucial as what I’m about to tell you. PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MONKEY’S NEXT HAMMER BLOW. Could we just fucking focus on that? Please? I mean, really, really try.
If he manages to strike you again, in the head region, with that hammer he clearly loooooves swinging so much … um, it’s cool. Totally no big deal. Just shimmy backward away from the monkey on your hands and rear as quickly as you are able. Wipe the blood and tears from your eyes and various head wounds. You’re still in this fight, so remain calm. You can do this, champ!
However, if when looking around you happen to spot a loved one or someone you have urgent business or affairs with, you may want to shout any important information at them. Location of hidden treasures, life insurance policy numbers, etc.
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