Read Online Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything by Kevin Seccia - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Kevin Seccia
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If you want. It’s cool, really. I’m just saying, if eye contact is made and there’s an issue there, maybe take care of it?
If the monkey connects again, I’d definitely look over to the loved ones we just talked about. Is one of them a person whom you’ve secretly been in love with but never had the heart to tell? Probably go ahead and tell that person, as fast as you can. And I have to wonder why it didn’t occur to you that a better time to have addressed this would’ve been two days ago, possibly right after you said, “Hey, wanna come watch me kick the shit out of a monkey? You do? Great! No, no, they don’t have hammers, as far as I know.”
If hammer blow number nine connects, you are very quickly running out of blood, brain matter, time, consciousness, and options. Your last and final maneuver should be to quickly scan your loved ones, locate the biggest one, and shout, with your last breath, “Avenge me!!!”
If you have managed to avoid all hammer blows, and you’ve followed the alternate instructions as directed—detailing how you should lure the monkey to a junk yard under the guise of buying cheap car parts—you should look up to see a giant magnet hanging over the monkey’s head. Signal the foreman to activate the magnet.
The hammer will fly from the monkey’s hands toward the magnet. Next to hit the magnet will be his belt buckle, which will cause the monkey’s pants to drop, filling him with either great shame or great pride, depending on the monkey you’ve selected. Finally, the metal fillings in his teeth will cause him to hit the magnet and remain caught there. Once again signal the foreman and he’ll lower the magnet to ground level. Now pummel the monkey stuck to the magnet as you would a speed bag.
Types of hammers commonly favored by hammer-wielding monkeys.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE BEING PUNCHED, TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE FACT THAT YOU’RE GETTING PUNCHED
Think of it as mental training, to help you stay positive. If you just dwell on the fact that someone is punching you, you’ll never turn things around and win the fight.
1. Rainbows … why are they so dumb?
2. Did I leave the oven on?
3. Would I find this person who is punching me attractive, were we meeting under different circumstances? Is this person more of a fling or the marrying-type? OMG!
4. Does the ’80s TV show Manimal hold up? Or did I love it just because I was seven and seven is the age at which there is no bad version of a show about a man who can shape-shift into a panther?
5. Would yelling, “Wait, time-out!” be respected by this person who is punching me?
HOW TO BEAT UP AN ALLIGATOR
It seems lately like any chaw-spitting rube with the ability to discern the business end of a gator from the pleasure end (ask me later) is capable of quickly incapacitating one. Said rube sneaks up on it from behind like a coward, grabs the gator’s clamped mouth and then tapes it shut, bags it, etc. Big deal. I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I’ve always dreamed of kicking the shit out of a gator. I mean, if you’re comfortable with forever having an asterisk next to your alligator fight, fine by me. Knowing people are gonna see that mark, then follow it to read something like. “Oh, by the way, I totally cheated by sneaking up on the alligator, and there was zero honor associated with my victory, just an FYI.” That’s cool.
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky—lots of people never even read the footnotes. I know I don’t. * Who’s got the time? I’ll see that asterisk, drop down the page, then quickly scan the lower right margin before coming to my senses and realizing, “This is dumb! Who cares! A second ago I was reading and now I’m on some sort of scavenger hunt? They couldn’t have just parenthetically relayed the information?”
Trust me, you don’t want any part of that shit. I know you might not be able to relate to what I’m saying, yet. But someday, when the time
If the monkey connects again, I’d definitely look over to the loved ones we just talked about. Is one of them a person whom you’ve secretly been in love with but never had the heart to tell? Probably go ahead and tell that person, as fast as you can. And I have to wonder why it didn’t occur to you that a better time to have addressed this would’ve been two days ago, possibly right after you said, “Hey, wanna come watch me kick the shit out of a monkey? You do? Great! No, no, they don’t have hammers, as far as I know.”
If hammer blow number nine connects, you are very quickly running out of blood, brain matter, time, consciousness, and options. Your last and final maneuver should be to quickly scan your loved ones, locate the biggest one, and shout, with your last breath, “Avenge me!!!”
If you have managed to avoid all hammer blows, and you’ve followed the alternate instructions as directed—detailing how you should lure the monkey to a junk yard under the guise of buying cheap car parts—you should look up to see a giant magnet hanging over the monkey’s head. Signal the foreman to activate the magnet.
The hammer will fly from the monkey’s hands toward the magnet. Next to hit the magnet will be his belt buckle, which will cause the monkey’s pants to drop, filling him with either great shame or great pride, depending on the monkey you’ve selected. Finally, the metal fillings in his teeth will cause him to hit the magnet and remain caught there. Once again signal the foreman and he’ll lower the magnet to ground level. Now pummel the monkey stuck to the magnet as you would a speed bag.
Types of hammers commonly favored by hammer-wielding monkeys.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE BEING PUNCHED, TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE FACT THAT YOU’RE GETTING PUNCHED
Think of it as mental training, to help you stay positive. If you just dwell on the fact that someone is punching you, you’ll never turn things around and win the fight.
1. Rainbows … why are they so dumb?
2. Did I leave the oven on?
3. Would I find this person who is punching me attractive, were we meeting under different circumstances? Is this person more of a fling or the marrying-type? OMG!
4. Does the ’80s TV show Manimal hold up? Or did I love it just because I was seven and seven is the age at which there is no bad version of a show about a man who can shape-shift into a panther?
5. Would yelling, “Wait, time-out!” be respected by this person who is punching me?
HOW TO BEAT UP AN ALLIGATOR
It seems lately like any chaw-spitting rube with the ability to discern the business end of a gator from the pleasure end (ask me later) is capable of quickly incapacitating one. Said rube sneaks up on it from behind like a coward, grabs the gator’s clamped mouth and then tapes it shut, bags it, etc. Big deal. I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I’ve always dreamed of kicking the shit out of a gator. I mean, if you’re comfortable with forever having an asterisk next to your alligator fight, fine by me. Knowing people are gonna see that mark, then follow it to read something like. “Oh, by the way, I totally cheated by sneaking up on the alligator, and there was zero honor associated with my victory, just an FYI.” That’s cool.
Hey, maybe you’ll get lucky—lots of people never even read the footnotes. I know I don’t. * Who’s got the time? I’ll see that asterisk, drop down the page, then quickly scan the lower right margin before coming to my senses and realizing, “This is dumb! Who cares! A second ago I was reading and now I’m on some sort of scavenger hunt? They couldn’t have just parenthetically relayed the information?”
Trust me, you don’t want any part of that shit. I know you might not be able to relate to what I’m saying, yet. But someday, when the time
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