Read Online Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley - Free Book Online

it?
    MARLAGRAM:
(Angrily.)
Who’s been talking?
    SAM: I’ll tell you later. But don’t simply tell me how smart your nephew is. Family pride’s all very well – but if you can’t help us – if you’re past it – say so –
    MARLAGRAM: Past it! You’re talking like a fool, lad. Bar Merlin – and he’s retired – I’m the best enchanter between here and Orkney.
    SAM: Then you must be having an off day.
    MARLAGRAM:
(Offended.)
I’m past it. I’m having an off day. Go on, lad. It only needs a few more words from you, and I’ll leave you to it, to get out of this the best way you can.
    SAM: Master Marlagram, I apologise. But you can imagine what I’m feeling. Melicent’s gone into my world – and God knows what’s happening to her – and here I am – helpless –
    MARLAGRAM: Say no more, lad. And if you don’t mind we’ll do the rest in easy verse:
    When things get worse
I take to verse
    SAM: But have you time
    To make it rhyme?
    MARLAGRAM: Things have gone wrong
    But not for long
    I’ll settle ’em soon
    Making a start late this afternoon
    SAM: But – surely – man
    It ought to be possible to find verses that scan.
    MARLAGRAM: I don’t take pains
    For men in chains –
    SAM: A nasty crack –
    You’ll take it back –
    MARLAGRAM: No, no, my boy – I like to tease –
(Calling.)
    A light – and your attention, please.
    Now in light, to audience
.
    YOU THINK I’VE MADE A POORISH START
    BUT I’LL DO ALL RIGHT IN THE SECOND PART.
    Chuckles as curtain comes down
.
    End of Act One
.

Act Two
    Music as before, ending with modern instrument
.
    Private bar of The Black Horse, exactly as before except that light is different – late afternoon instead of morning. Same BARMAID, same MAN as before
.
    MAN:
(After a moment or twos rumination.)
Quiet, isn’t it?
(As she does not reply, but not impatiently.)
I say it’s quiet.
    BARMAID: I’m not sayin’ anything.
    MAN: Why?
    BARMAID: Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.
    MAN:
(Conceding this.)
That’s ri’.
    BARMAID:
(Bursting out.)
My brother Albert says he saw it done at Finsbury Park Empire one time –
    MAN: Saw what done?
    BARMAID:
(Darkly.)
Vanishing act.
    MAN:
(After pause, faintly hopeful.)
Turned out nice again.
    BARMAID:
(Casually.)
Can’t expect anything different, thirty-first of June.
    The MAN stares at her suspiciously, she returns his glance innocently. He takes out his diary and consults it anxiously, then they exchange the same looks. Enter MALGRIM dressed as he was in previous scene here
.
    MALGRIM:
(Brisk and authoritative.)
Twelve glasses of Benedictine and cold milk.
    BARMAID:
(Staring at him, staggered.)
Benedictine and cold milk! Twelve glasses?
    MALGRIM: Twelve. The bacteriological section of our medical conference is meeting here.
    BARMAID:
(Still staring at him.)
’Ere – didn’t you come in this morning – drink a whole bottle of creem de menthy – and then go through the wall?
    MALGRIM: I did.
    The BARMAID gives a faint moan and disappears from sight
.
    MAN: I fancy she’s a bit off-colour today.
    MALGRIM:
(With authority.)
So are you, my friend. Just look up, will you?
    As MAN looks up, MALGRIM makes a quick pass, and the MAN stands staring up, rigid. MALGRIM now concentrates on the wall, mutters some spell and makes signs at it. Stage darkens for a moment and rushing wind sound is heard. When it lights up again, the wall is open, as it was at end of scene in Act One, but standing in entrance is MARLAGRAM, chuckling in triumph
.
    MARLAGRAM: He-he-he-he! Surprised you, didn’t I, my boy?
    MALGRIM: Showy – but cheap as usual Uncle. You really ought to retire from serious work, y’know. All right for childrens’ parties and that sort of thing –
    MARLAGRAM: I’ll give you childrens’ parties – you conceited young pup! And don’t try to ask for any help from
Aghizikke
and
Balturzasas
, or any of that group o’ demons, ’cos I fixed them with a pentacle this afternoon –