Read Online Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition by Brian Lovestar - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Brian Lovestar
Tags: Sex, music, Retro, supernatural, singer, satire humor, 80s 1980s, parody and sarcasm, pop tarts
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and he didn’t know what to do with them.
Spellbound
amnesiac real Rhino wasn’t necessarily a problem, but Cherry was a
bit of a wild, loose cannon.
The spell to
wipe her mind hadn’t worked so he’d had to bound and gag her.
And he was
panicking and fast running out of ideas.
What’s a male
witch to do?
Consult his
favourite super bitch that’s what!
“The spell
mustn’t work on everyone,” Jade Astley advised, blasé. “Perhaps you
should just kill her?”
Fake Rhino was
horrified at the mere suggestion.
True he’d
deliberately set out to sabotage Tequila Sun’s comeback.
He was Pink
Champagne’s number 1 fan and the president of their fan club.
But he was
starting to question where his loyalties truly lied.
Cherry was his
friend.
Jade was the
bride of Satan’s hellfire!
And she still
hadn’t fulfilled her end of the bargain.
Before Hawky
Andrews had brought Jade back from the dead in the fiery lava pit,
before he had agreed to the cloning spell and morphed into Rhino’s
doppelganger, he had been promised one thing: a threesome with Mick
Nelson and Rita Barker.
What he didn’t
know was that this wasn’t even possible.
Mick Nelson was
dead.
He’d been out
jogging in Hampstead Heath when all of his clothes suddenly fell
off.
After taking
cover - hiding in some bushes with a gentleman friend, Mikael
Giorgio - he accidentally tripped over.
Whilst on all
fours – with Mikael stood happily giving him a golden shower from
the front – they disturbed a hive in the tree and a fertile swarm
of bees decided to instead nest in his vacant derriere instead.
The autopsy
said he had been internally stung up to a thousand times. Ouch!
But they
managed to keep it out of the papers, because well… Pink Champagne
couldn’t headline a holiday camp these days.
So what was the
demonic succubus Jade Astley really playing at?
False promises
lead to broken alliances and Hawky Andrews/fake Rhino was quickly
reaching the end of his tether.
Which leads us
back to the problem in current hand.
What to do with
real Rhino and Cherry?
Cherry had been
relaying her life story to real Rhino.
About how she
been born with both body parts, felt like she was a girl inside but
brought up as a boy.
How she
sometimes felt like women were from Venus, men were from Mars… and
like she was from Neptune.
Her life hadn’t
been easy.
She was pushing
50 and had never been kissed. Fucked a few hundred times, but never
kissed.
Real Rhino had
no idea who he was - never mind her - so had no vested interest
whatsoever, but he shed a tear anyway.
Or had she just
accidentally spat in his eye?
She couldn’t be
sure.
Suddenly his
trance-like stare was redirected elsewhere.
They were no
longer alone.
Jade and fake
Rhino had arrived to finish them both off.
They opened the
cage door and fake Rhino grabbed real Rhino.
“Your name is
Bob Smith. You live on a small farm in Merthyr Tydfil in Wales. Go
home,” he compelled, hypnotically.
Real Rhino shot
off quicker than Mikael Giorgio when he saw the bees (or was it
Mick) coming.
Jade grabbed
Cherry by the scuff of the neck and lifted her off the basement
floor.
As Cherry
coughed and spluttered - struggling to breath - fake Rhino grabbed
a humongous dildo and hit Jade over the head with it.
They were both
flabbergasted at what happened next.
Jade’s
unconscious body slowly morphed into that of the plumper, less
svelte Rita Barker.
Butter actually
wouldn’t melt in Jade’s mouth.
Rita was the
real big bad.
And she was
also a shape shifter!
Chapter 22.
(Bum Tattoo)
The morning
after the night before and Felix Sr. was packing his bags to
leave.
He was hoping
to be gone before Felix Jr. woke up.
He couldn’t
face him.
Not after what
happened.
He’d fucked
Holly! Oh my God! He’d actually fucked Holly!
He’d cheated on
himself by sleeping with his own girlfriend!
It sounded
super nuts. But he didn’t feel any less guilty for it.
He’d also
probably
and he didn’t know what to do with them.
Spellbound
amnesiac real Rhino wasn’t necessarily a problem, but Cherry was a
bit of a wild, loose cannon.
The spell to
wipe her mind hadn’t worked so he’d had to bound and gag her.
And he was
panicking and fast running out of ideas.
What’s a male
witch to do?
Consult his
favourite super bitch that’s what!
“The spell
mustn’t work on everyone,” Jade Astley advised, blasé. “Perhaps you
should just kill her?”
Fake Rhino was
horrified at the mere suggestion.
True he’d
deliberately set out to sabotage Tequila Sun’s comeback.
He was Pink
Champagne’s number 1 fan and the president of their fan club.
But he was
starting to question where his loyalties truly lied.
Cherry was his
friend.
Jade was the
bride of Satan’s hellfire!
And she still
hadn’t fulfilled her end of the bargain.
Before Hawky
Andrews had brought Jade back from the dead in the fiery lava pit,
before he had agreed to the cloning spell and morphed into Rhino’s
doppelganger, he had been promised one thing: a threesome with Mick
Nelson and Rita Barker.
What he didn’t
know was that this wasn’t even possible.
Mick Nelson was
dead.
He’d been out
jogging in Hampstead Heath when all of his clothes suddenly fell
off.
After taking
cover - hiding in some bushes with a gentleman friend, Mikael
Giorgio - he accidentally tripped over.
Whilst on all
fours – with Mikael stood happily giving him a golden shower from
the front – they disturbed a hive in the tree and a fertile swarm
of bees decided to instead nest in his vacant derriere instead.
The autopsy
said he had been internally stung up to a thousand times. Ouch!
But they
managed to keep it out of the papers, because well… Pink Champagne
couldn’t headline a holiday camp these days.
So what was the
demonic succubus Jade Astley really playing at?
False promises
lead to broken alliances and Hawky Andrews/fake Rhino was quickly
reaching the end of his tether.
Which leads us
back to the problem in current hand.
What to do with
real Rhino and Cherry?
Cherry had been
relaying her life story to real Rhino.
About how she
been born with both body parts, felt like she was a girl inside but
brought up as a boy.
How she
sometimes felt like women were from Venus, men were from Mars… and
like she was from Neptune.
Her life hadn’t
been easy.
She was pushing
50 and had never been kissed. Fucked a few hundred times, but never
kissed.
Real Rhino had
no idea who he was - never mind her - so had no vested interest
whatsoever, but he shed a tear anyway.
Or had she just
accidentally spat in his eye?
She couldn’t be
sure.
Suddenly his
trance-like stare was redirected elsewhere.
They were no
longer alone.
Jade and fake
Rhino had arrived to finish them both off.
They opened the
cage door and fake Rhino grabbed real Rhino.
“Your name is
Bob Smith. You live on a small farm in Merthyr Tydfil in Wales. Go
home,” he compelled, hypnotically.
Real Rhino shot
off quicker than Mikael Giorgio when he saw the bees (or was it
Mick) coming.
Jade grabbed
Cherry by the scuff of the neck and lifted her off the basement
floor.
As Cherry
coughed and spluttered - struggling to breath - fake Rhino grabbed
a humongous dildo and hit Jade over the head with it.
They were both
flabbergasted at what happened next.
Jade’s
unconscious body slowly morphed into that of the plumper, less
svelte Rita Barker.
Butter actually
wouldn’t melt in Jade’s mouth.
Rita was the
real big bad.
And she was
also a shape shifter!
Chapter 22.
(Bum Tattoo)
The morning
after the night before and Felix Sr. was packing his bags to
leave.
He was hoping
to be gone before Felix Jr. woke up.
He couldn’t
face him.
Not after what
happened.
He’d fucked
Holly! Oh my God! He’d actually fucked Holly!
He’d cheated on
himself by sleeping with his own girlfriend!
It sounded
super nuts. But he didn’t feel any less guilty for it.
He’d also
probably
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