Read Online Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition by Brian Lovestar - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Brian Lovestar
Tags: Sex, music, Retro, supernatural, singer, satire humor, 80s 1980s, parody and sarcasm, pop tarts
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beard, but it all happened so
quickly she didn’t really have time to think about it.
She let him out
of the cage and they turned to make their getaway.
However stood
right in front of them was the very fake, very beardless Rhino
Zagreb.
And he didn’t
look happy.
Chapter 20.
(Paradox)
Felix found
himself in a bit of a quandary.
Here he was
back in 1987 - literally weeks before he made the biggest mistake
of his life – and with the chance to directly influence and change
it.
But he knew
that would create a paradox.
The problem was
he didn’t quite know what a paradox was.
Where was
Google when you needed it?
So he went to
the local library and found an encyclopaedia instead.
The general
consensus he took from it was of contradiction. He could change
things for the better, but could actually inadvertently make things
worse.
If he did
something to change time, it could create a fault in a timeline
that he may then not later exist in.
This scared him
more than the little dead boy tapping at his friends’ window in
Salem’s Lot in 1979.
So in a few
weeks’ time his younger self would ruin his life by getting drunk
and cheating on his fiancé.
Felix Sr.
thought through the possible scenarios.
Option 1: he
does nothing, Felix Jr. sleeps with Cherry, Holly dumps him, chaos
ensues and the band breaks up as normal.
Option 2: he
tells Felix Jr. the truth about who he really is, Felix Jr. thinks
he’s crazy and has him taken away by men in white coats.
Option 3: he
accidentally locks Felix Jr. in a cupboard until after the date of
elicitation passes.
Option 3 might
work. But after what he read in the encyclopaedia, he was still
wary about changing the timeline of history.
Change one
thing and it could change everything.
So let’s say
Felix Jr. doesn’t sleep with Cherry. He and Holly get married for a
few years, but Holly becomes a bored housewife and sleeps with the
milkman.
Felix Jr. then
murders the milkman and spends the rest of his life in jail.
Or worse still,
he escapes from jail, goes on the run, hides out in a cave and is
eaten by bats or a grizzly bear.
Perhaps Option
1 is for the best, after all.
Felix Sr. was
watching some more dodgy 80s TV in the apartment alone, when Holly
Wood arrived home, without Felix Jr.
They had been
out to dinner but she was in a lousy mood and looked like she had
been crying, so Felix Sr. figured love’s young dream must have had
an argument.
“What’s up?” he
asked, attempting to comfort her.
“Felix’s dick,”
she blurted out.
“Probably up
some 2-bit hooker’s c…”
Felix Sr. came
from behind - put his hand over her mouth to stop the profanity -
turned her around and gave her a hug.
They had been
accosted by fans at the restaurant. Buxom bosomed fans. And they
were all over Felix like a wet t shirt, so Holly had walked
out.
Felix Sr.
thought about telling Holly it as it is:
“Men simply
aren’t made to be monogamous. Women equate sex with love. Men
really don’t. Love is love. Sex is sex. A man could sleep with a
thousand buxom bosomed fans, but it doesn’t mean he loves you any
less.”
He’d been
there, done that and bought the wet t shirt.
And he still
loved Holly!
“If only women
weren’t so jealous and possessive,” he thought.
Holly was
crying now and her mascara was running, so Felix told her it as it
isn’t, instead:
“Felix would
never risk the very special love and connection you share for
twenty minutes of pure filth and lust with a dirty slapper.”
Which is
probably exactly what Felix Jr. was doing right now!
Felix Sr. wiped
a tear from Holly’s cheek and she stared into his azure blue
eyes.
The next thing
he knew they were snogging, and fell onto the couch together.
The timeline
twitched and that hungry bear in the cave? It grew a little
hungrier.
Chapter 21.
(True Evil)
Fake Rhino was
agitated.
He was both
nervy and tense.
He had a sex
dungeon full of prisoners in his basement - now consisting of 2
quickly she didn’t really have time to think about it.
She let him out
of the cage and they turned to make their getaway.
However stood
right in front of them was the very fake, very beardless Rhino
Zagreb.
And he didn’t
look happy.
Chapter 20.
(Paradox)
Felix found
himself in a bit of a quandary.
Here he was
back in 1987 - literally weeks before he made the biggest mistake
of his life – and with the chance to directly influence and change
it.
But he knew
that would create a paradox.
The problem was
he didn’t quite know what a paradox was.
Where was
Google when you needed it?
So he went to
the local library and found an encyclopaedia instead.
The general
consensus he took from it was of contradiction. He could change
things for the better, but could actually inadvertently make things
worse.
If he did
something to change time, it could create a fault in a timeline
that he may then not later exist in.
This scared him
more than the little dead boy tapping at his friends’ window in
Salem’s Lot in 1979.
So in a few
weeks’ time his younger self would ruin his life by getting drunk
and cheating on his fiancé.
Felix Sr.
thought through the possible scenarios.
Option 1: he
does nothing, Felix Jr. sleeps with Cherry, Holly dumps him, chaos
ensues and the band breaks up as normal.
Option 2: he
tells Felix Jr. the truth about who he really is, Felix Jr. thinks
he’s crazy and has him taken away by men in white coats.
Option 3: he
accidentally locks Felix Jr. in a cupboard until after the date of
elicitation passes.
Option 3 might
work. But after what he read in the encyclopaedia, he was still
wary about changing the timeline of history.
Change one
thing and it could change everything.
So let’s say
Felix Jr. doesn’t sleep with Cherry. He and Holly get married for a
few years, but Holly becomes a bored housewife and sleeps with the
milkman.
Felix Jr. then
murders the milkman and spends the rest of his life in jail.
Or worse still,
he escapes from jail, goes on the run, hides out in a cave and is
eaten by bats or a grizzly bear.
Perhaps Option
1 is for the best, after all.
Felix Sr. was
watching some more dodgy 80s TV in the apartment alone, when Holly
Wood arrived home, without Felix Jr.
They had been
out to dinner but she was in a lousy mood and looked like she had
been crying, so Felix Sr. figured love’s young dream must have had
an argument.
“What’s up?” he
asked, attempting to comfort her.
“Felix’s dick,”
she blurted out.
“Probably up
some 2-bit hooker’s c…”
Felix Sr. came
from behind - put his hand over her mouth to stop the profanity -
turned her around and gave her a hug.
They had been
accosted by fans at the restaurant. Buxom bosomed fans. And they
were all over Felix like a wet t shirt, so Holly had walked
out.
Felix Sr.
thought about telling Holly it as it is:
“Men simply
aren’t made to be monogamous. Women equate sex with love. Men
really don’t. Love is love. Sex is sex. A man could sleep with a
thousand buxom bosomed fans, but it doesn’t mean he loves you any
less.”
He’d been
there, done that and bought the wet t shirt.
And he still
loved Holly!
“If only women
weren’t so jealous and possessive,” he thought.
Holly was
crying now and her mascara was running, so Felix told her it as it
isn’t, instead:
“Felix would
never risk the very special love and connection you share for
twenty minutes of pure filth and lust with a dirty slapper.”
Which is
probably exactly what Felix Jr. was doing right now!
Felix Sr. wiped
a tear from Holly’s cheek and she stared into his azure blue
eyes.
The next thing
he knew they were snogging, and fell onto the couch together.
The timeline
twitched and that hungry bear in the cave? It grew a little
hungrier.
Chapter 21.
(True Evil)
Fake Rhino was
agitated.
He was both
nervy and tense.
He had a sex
dungeon full of prisoners in his basement - now consisting of 2
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