I'm afraid you're going to give the
Democrats just the kind of issue they can play
politics with in the '72 elections.
MILITARY COACH: The level to which political
life in this country has sunk! Now if the military
were running this show ...
POLITICAL COACH: Granted. Granted. But you
do not build a utopian society overnight, General.
And that is why I wish to caution you, one and all,
against voting for the Berrigans. I know how
tempting it is, especially after what we went
through to track them down, but I am afraid that
this is another one of those instances when we are
going to have to display our characteristic restraint
and moderation. Certainly the - last thing in the
world we want is Bing Crosby in a collar crooning
to Debbie Reynolds in her habit about b-b-b-blowing
things up. Not even Lenin could have
devised a more sure-fire method of converting the
American working class into bombthrowing
revolutionaries.
HIGHBROW COACH: Ingenious analysis. Nonetheless,
I think you misread Hollywood's intentions. If the
Berrigans were to get the chair, to be sure
Hollywood would immediately go into full-scale
production of some kind of musical about them,
along the line of Going My Way. But that is only an
argument against killing them. Keep them in jail,
and you will be surprised how quickly the public
and the movie moguls will forget they exist.
LEGAL COACH: I agree. Bury them alive. Always
better.
SPIRITUAL COACH: And more merciful, too. That way,
you see, it's not capital punishment.
HIGHBROW COACH: To move on then. Number
two was the Berrigans.
SPIRITUAL COACH: What was one again? Harvard?
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Ah, yes. I knew it was some
thing beginning with an H.
MILITARY COACH (angrily) : And what about
something else beginning with an "H"? What about
Haiphong! How can you have Hanoi without
Haiphong? That's like Quemoy without Matsu!
TRICKY: Quemoy and Matsu! Does that bring back
memories! Quemoy and Matsu! ... What ever
happened to them?
POLITICAL COACH: Oh, they're still out there,
Mr. President, if we should ever need them.
TRICKY: Well, that's wonderful. Where were they
again-exactly? Wait, let me guess, let's see if I can
remember ... Indonesia!
POLITICAL COACH: No, Sir.
TRICKY: Am I warm? The Philippines! No? ... Near
Hawaii? ... No? Oh, I give up.
POLITICAL COACH: In the Formosa Straights,
Mr. President. Between Taiwan and Mainland
China.
TRICKY: No kidding. Hey, listen, whatever happened
to what's-his-name? The Chinaman.
POLITICAL COACH: Which Chinaman, Mr. President?
There are six hundred million Chinamen. TRICKY: I
know, enslaved and so on. But I'm thinking of, you
know, the one with the wife. Oh, it's one of those
names they have ...
HIGHBROW COACH: Chiang Kai-shek, Mr. President.
TRICKY: Right, Professor! Shek. Little Shek, with
the glasses. (Fondly) The Old Dixon .. .
(Chuckling) Well! Enough wandering down
memory lane. Forgive me, gentlemen. Where
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 7 1
were we? So far we have Moscow and the Berrigans.
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi and the Berrigans, Mr.
President.
TRICKY: Of course! See what you did with that
Quemoy and Matsu? I was still back there in the
fifties. Look at me, my lip is covered with goose
flesh.
HIGHBROW COACH: To proceed. Number 3 :
The Black Panthers. No dispute there. Good.
Number 4: Jane Fonda, the movie actress and
antiwar activist. Number 5: Curt Flood, the
baseball player. Any questions, before we proceed
to the vote. Reverend?
SPIRITUAL COACH: Jane Fonda. Has she ever
appeared nude in a film?
HIGHBROW COACH: I can't honestly say I
remember seeing her pudenda on the screen,
Reverend, but I think I can vouch for her breasts.
SPIRITUAL COACH: With aureole or without?
HIGHBROW COACH: I believe with. SPIRITUAL
COACH: And her buttocks?
HIGHBROW COACH: Yes, I believe we've seen
her buttocks. Indeed, they constitute a large part
of her appeal.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Thank
Democrats just the kind of issue they can play
politics with in the '72 elections.
MILITARY COACH: The level to which political
life in this country has sunk! Now if the military
were running this show ...
POLITICAL COACH: Granted. Granted. But you
do not build a utopian society overnight, General.
And that is why I wish to caution you, one and all,
against voting for the Berrigans. I know how
tempting it is, especially after what we went
through to track them down, but I am afraid that
this is another one of those instances when we are
going to have to display our characteristic restraint
and moderation. Certainly the - last thing in the
world we want is Bing Crosby in a collar crooning
to Debbie Reynolds in her habit about b-b-b-blowing
things up. Not even Lenin could have
devised a more sure-fire method of converting the
American working class into bombthrowing
revolutionaries.
HIGHBROW COACH: Ingenious analysis. Nonetheless,
I think you misread Hollywood's intentions. If the
Berrigans were to get the chair, to be sure
Hollywood would immediately go into full-scale
production of some kind of musical about them,
along the line of Going My Way. But that is only an
argument against killing them. Keep them in jail,
and you will be surprised how quickly the public
and the movie moguls will forget they exist.
LEGAL COACH: I agree. Bury them alive. Always
better.
SPIRITUAL COACH: And more merciful, too. That way,
you see, it's not capital punishment.
HIGHBROW COACH: To move on then. Number
two was the Berrigans.
SPIRITUAL COACH: What was one again? Harvard?
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Ah, yes. I knew it was some
thing beginning with an H.
MILITARY COACH (angrily) : And what about
something else beginning with an "H"? What about
Haiphong! How can you have Hanoi without
Haiphong? That's like Quemoy without Matsu!
TRICKY: Quemoy and Matsu! Does that bring back
memories! Quemoy and Matsu! ... What ever
happened to them?
POLITICAL COACH: Oh, they're still out there,
Mr. President, if we should ever need them.
TRICKY: Well, that's wonderful. Where were they
again-exactly? Wait, let me guess, let's see if I can
remember ... Indonesia!
POLITICAL COACH: No, Sir.
TRICKY: Am I warm? The Philippines! No? ... Near
Hawaii? ... No? Oh, I give up.
POLITICAL COACH: In the Formosa Straights,
Mr. President. Between Taiwan and Mainland
China.
TRICKY: No kidding. Hey, listen, whatever happened
to what's-his-name? The Chinaman.
POLITICAL COACH: Which Chinaman, Mr. President?
There are six hundred million Chinamen. TRICKY: I
know, enslaved and so on. But I'm thinking of, you
know, the one with the wife. Oh, it's one of those
names they have ...
HIGHBROW COACH: Chiang Kai-shek, Mr. President.
TRICKY: Right, Professor! Shek. Little Shek, with
the glasses. (Fondly) The Old Dixon .. .
(Chuckling) Well! Enough wandering down
memory lane. Forgive me, gentlemen. Where
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 7 1
were we? So far we have Moscow and the Berrigans.
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi and the Berrigans, Mr.
President.
TRICKY: Of course! See what you did with that
Quemoy and Matsu? I was still back there in the
fifties. Look at me, my lip is covered with goose
flesh.
HIGHBROW COACH: To proceed. Number 3 :
The Black Panthers. No dispute there. Good.
Number 4: Jane Fonda, the movie actress and
antiwar activist. Number 5: Curt Flood, the
baseball player. Any questions, before we proceed
to the vote. Reverend?
SPIRITUAL COACH: Jane Fonda. Has she ever
appeared nude in a film?
HIGHBROW COACH: I can't honestly say I
remember seeing her pudenda on the screen,
Reverend, but I think I can vouch for her breasts.
SPIRITUAL COACH: With aureole or without?
HIGHBROW COACH: I believe with. SPIRITUAL
COACH: And her buttocks?
HIGHBROW COACH: Yes, I believe we've seen
her buttocks. Indeed, they constitute a large part
of her appeal.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Thank
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