depth, no sides to grasp onto, or a
horizon from which to take a bearing. It was all encompassing, mind-wrenching
agony that could not be discarded or forgotten and as her sad and lonely
journey progressed Julia’s mind began its inevitable change. Like the
caterpillars she had watched changing to moths in the olive groves Julia spun a
protective cocoon of thoughts in which she hid from the endless sorrow of
living.
Things started to become clearer
when seen from within her pain-filled isolation, the world was a bad place and
all anyone could expect to do was survive. Her conclusion took its direction
from all of the experiences that made up her pathetic life and based on that
information the inescapable course of action was to build a wall around her
mind and never let anyone in ever again.
Bathing her every day for a
seemingly endless first six months of the war Cecilia could see that Julia was
facing a bigger demon than unrequited love, she simply had no confidence or
belief in herself. Cecilia like everyone else understood that people who
looked pleasing to the eye had a much easier time than plain people but Julia
possessed none of the certainty that a girl with great beauty usually had.
Never really knowing quite what effect her therapy was having Cecilia
instinctively lavished love and affection on the spent girl by repeating over
and over how beautiful and intelligent she was.
Without understanding the
meaning of Cecilia’s words the rhythmic voice was always there like a distant
star that could be seen from within Julia’s endless turmoil. However far she
drifted off course during that journey of the mind this star was always there
to give her a connection with reality and Julia owed her sanity to this single
act of commonsense. At first she did not understand the changes caused by
something positive moving freely through her unconscious thoughts because her
crushed mind found them alien, even a little frightening but as time went by
she began to enjoy the warm emotions which slowly brought her back from a dark
oblivion.
Much relieved Cecilia encouraged
Julia to talk about her troubles and while crying often the latter released
some of her deeply held pain. It was ridiculous to imagine that a thought
converted into speech then returned to her memory could be any different but
the reality was that these uncomfortable thoughts became easier for Julia to
bear. In her heart she believed it to be silly nonsense, all in her
imagination but she could not deny that she felt stronger every time she transformed
a childhood hurt from the secrecy of her mind into words.
For the latter half of the first
year of the war and all of the second Cecilia and Julia spent each morning
following the news of the fighting and during this time they became
inseparable. Other than self preservation the topic of war held no fascination
for Cecilia but it did seem to aid Julia’s recovery so she persevered. It
somehow gave Julia’s fragile mind something constant to focus upon, and Cecilia
perceived correctly that following a specific subject gave Julia’s troubled
mind a focal point from which to grow.
As a by-product of this mental
exercise Julia became an expert on the subject of war and while reading about
every intricate strategy of every battle she learned about the Italian
provinces where the major conflicts had taken place. Julia had even marked
them on one of Sulla’s old military maps which Cecilia hung on the kitchen wall
at the beginning of the hostilities, she also followed the Senatorial reports
which were posted around the city each day and Julia felt intimately involved
with every twist and turn of the armies of Marius in the north and Sulla in the
south. Like everyone in Rome Julia cried when the news of Marius’ stroke
reached the city but unlike everyone else she did not switch her adoration to
Sulla, a strange state of affairs when one considers that he was her sole
benefactor.
By the
horizon from which to take a bearing. It was all encompassing, mind-wrenching
agony that could not be discarded or forgotten and as her sad and lonely
journey progressed Julia’s mind began its inevitable change. Like the
caterpillars she had watched changing to moths in the olive groves Julia spun a
protective cocoon of thoughts in which she hid from the endless sorrow of
living.
Things started to become clearer
when seen from within her pain-filled isolation, the world was a bad place and
all anyone could expect to do was survive. Her conclusion took its direction
from all of the experiences that made up her pathetic life and based on that
information the inescapable course of action was to build a wall around her
mind and never let anyone in ever again.
Bathing her every day for a
seemingly endless first six months of the war Cecilia could see that Julia was
facing a bigger demon than unrequited love, she simply had no confidence or
belief in herself. Cecilia like everyone else understood that people who
looked pleasing to the eye had a much easier time than plain people but Julia
possessed none of the certainty that a girl with great beauty usually had.
Never really knowing quite what effect her therapy was having Cecilia
instinctively lavished love and affection on the spent girl by repeating over
and over how beautiful and intelligent she was.
Without understanding the
meaning of Cecilia’s words the rhythmic voice was always there like a distant
star that could be seen from within Julia’s endless turmoil. However far she
drifted off course during that journey of the mind this star was always there
to give her a connection with reality and Julia owed her sanity to this single
act of commonsense. At first she did not understand the changes caused by
something positive moving freely through her unconscious thoughts because her
crushed mind found them alien, even a little frightening but as time went by
she began to enjoy the warm emotions which slowly brought her back from a dark
oblivion.
Much relieved Cecilia encouraged
Julia to talk about her troubles and while crying often the latter released
some of her deeply held pain. It was ridiculous to imagine that a thought
converted into speech then returned to her memory could be any different but
the reality was that these uncomfortable thoughts became easier for Julia to
bear. In her heart she believed it to be silly nonsense, all in her
imagination but she could not deny that she felt stronger every time she transformed
a childhood hurt from the secrecy of her mind into words.
For the latter half of the first
year of the war and all of the second Cecilia and Julia spent each morning
following the news of the fighting and during this time they became
inseparable. Other than self preservation the topic of war held no fascination
for Cecilia but it did seem to aid Julia’s recovery so she persevered. It
somehow gave Julia’s fragile mind something constant to focus upon, and Cecilia
perceived correctly that following a specific subject gave Julia’s troubled
mind a focal point from which to grow.
As a by-product of this mental
exercise Julia became an expert on the subject of war and while reading about
every intricate strategy of every battle she learned about the Italian
provinces where the major conflicts had taken place. Julia had even marked
them on one of Sulla’s old military maps which Cecilia hung on the kitchen wall
at the beginning of the hostilities, she also followed the Senatorial reports
which were posted around the city each day and Julia felt intimately involved
with every twist and turn of the armies of Marius in the north and Sulla in the
south. Like everyone in Rome Julia cried when the news of Marius’ stroke
reached the city but unlike everyone else she did not switch her adoration to
Sulla, a strange state of affairs when one considers that he was her sole
benefactor.
By the
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