Read Online Only Strange People Go to Church by Laura Marney - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Laura Marney
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out to be. He’s whittling away at his sideboard while three young neds sit on a pew, smoking and carrying on. He, the Ray fella, is telling jokes.
‘Here, I’ve got one for you: why do women wear white wedding dresses? To match the other kitchen appliances.’
The neds snort.
‘No bad, eh?’ says Ray, laughing along with them until he spots her.
‘Alice, come away in!’
He makes out he’s pleased to see her but the Young Ones squirm the way Young Ones do when confronted with a Senior Citizen.
She comes in, hesitantly, she’s had trouble with the Young Ones before, at the post office, if not these actual Ones then similar Ones. She used to know all the Young Ones in the area, she knew their parents, but she hardly recognises a soul in the street now.
Ray is as friendly as ever, which is a bit embarrassing in front of these Hooligans.
‘A wee cup of tea, hen? The kettle’s just boiled; I was giving the lads a cuppa.’
Alice thinks about it a minute. She should stick around and make sure they’re not going to steal from him.
‘Aye, go on then, if I’m not keeping you off your work.’
As she says this she stares pointedly at the Young Ones. They are keeping him off his work. They should be out looking for jobs.
‘I’ll get it myself, Ray; I can see you’re busy there.’
‘Cheers, hen!’
The neds seems to find this exchange funny. They’re sniggering. With a screwed up face and a nod in their direction Alice silently questions Ray: what’s going on? Why are they sniggering, in fact, why are these neds here? A look quickly flits across Ray’s face and, thank God, he seems to realise now. He’ll ruin his wee business if he encourages these neds to come into his place. But this is apparently not the realisation he has come to.
‘Sorry, Alice. Lads, can I introduce you to my friend, Alice? This is Bob, Aldo, and, Gerry, is it?’
The ned nods.
‘Aye, Gerry, right. The lads have been keeping me going, telling me jokes. Mind you, I don’t think they’re the kind of jokes you’d like Alice, a nice lady like yourself.’
She sees what he’s doing. He knows that they’ll try to take the piss out of a pensioner; it’s what Young Ones nowadays do. He’s trying to tell them not to, but it won’t work. She doesn’t like it; these Young Ones are taking advantage of his good nature, he’ll come a cropper. Ray’s loneliness puts him at risk. It doesn’t do to let them know you’re weak.
‘I’ll take another cup if you’re making one, milk and three,’ says the one called Gerry but he doesn’t look at her, he’s more interested in making his pals laugh. He’s showing off, taking the piss out of an OAP. Without looking at him directly she takes the mug from his hand.
‘Never heard of the word ‘please’?’
They all snigger, including Ray.
‘Aye, okay, please.’
One nil to Alice. As she’s walking away she hears him add, ‘Nan.’
He wasn’t quick enough to think of it at the time. Or maybe not brave enough. Everyone laughs again, Ray as much as the rest of them and Alice feels her face burn.
‘I’m not your Nan and I’m not here to run about after you. Get your own bliddy tea.’
This time Ray doesn’t join in the laughter: now does he understand what they’re playing at?
‘Gerry’s only kidding you on, Alice,’ Ray says, and she hears the reproach in his voice.
He’s taking sides with the Young Ones; he’s actually ganging up with them against a Senior Citizen.
Alice is preparing to leave, she won’t tolerate this, when she hears another one of them, the tall stupid-looking one, Aldo, point at her and openly abuse her.
‘I don’t know what that is but it needs a right good ironing.’
This is intolerable; this is what comes of bringing neds in off the street.
Nobody laughs this time. Big Stupid Aldo looks to his cronies for support for his witticism who in turn look to Ray. Ray puts his tools down. He moves to the pew, sits beside Aldo and puts an
‘Here, I’ve got one for you: why do women wear white wedding dresses? To match the other kitchen appliances.’
The neds snort.
‘No bad, eh?’ says Ray, laughing along with them until he spots her.
‘Alice, come away in!’
He makes out he’s pleased to see her but the Young Ones squirm the way Young Ones do when confronted with a Senior Citizen.
She comes in, hesitantly, she’s had trouble with the Young Ones before, at the post office, if not these actual Ones then similar Ones. She used to know all the Young Ones in the area, she knew their parents, but she hardly recognises a soul in the street now.
Ray is as friendly as ever, which is a bit embarrassing in front of these Hooligans.
‘A wee cup of tea, hen? The kettle’s just boiled; I was giving the lads a cuppa.’
Alice thinks about it a minute. She should stick around and make sure they’re not going to steal from him.
‘Aye, go on then, if I’m not keeping you off your work.’
As she says this she stares pointedly at the Young Ones. They are keeping him off his work. They should be out looking for jobs.
‘I’ll get it myself, Ray; I can see you’re busy there.’
‘Cheers, hen!’
The neds seems to find this exchange funny. They’re sniggering. With a screwed up face and a nod in their direction Alice silently questions Ray: what’s going on? Why are they sniggering, in fact, why are these neds here? A look quickly flits across Ray’s face and, thank God, he seems to realise now. He’ll ruin his wee business if he encourages these neds to come into his place. But this is apparently not the realisation he has come to.
‘Sorry, Alice. Lads, can I introduce you to my friend, Alice? This is Bob, Aldo, and, Gerry, is it?’
The ned nods.
‘Aye, Gerry, right. The lads have been keeping me going, telling me jokes. Mind you, I don’t think they’re the kind of jokes you’d like Alice, a nice lady like yourself.’
She sees what he’s doing. He knows that they’ll try to take the piss out of a pensioner; it’s what Young Ones nowadays do. He’s trying to tell them not to, but it won’t work. She doesn’t like it; these Young Ones are taking advantage of his good nature, he’ll come a cropper. Ray’s loneliness puts him at risk. It doesn’t do to let them know you’re weak.
‘I’ll take another cup if you’re making one, milk and three,’ says the one called Gerry but he doesn’t look at her, he’s more interested in making his pals laugh. He’s showing off, taking the piss out of an OAP. Without looking at him directly she takes the mug from his hand.
‘Never heard of the word ‘please’?’
They all snigger, including Ray.
‘Aye, okay, please.’
One nil to Alice. As she’s walking away she hears him add, ‘Nan.’
He wasn’t quick enough to think of it at the time. Or maybe not brave enough. Everyone laughs again, Ray as much as the rest of them and Alice feels her face burn.
‘I’m not your Nan and I’m not here to run about after you. Get your own bliddy tea.’
This time Ray doesn’t join in the laughter: now does he understand what they’re playing at?
‘Gerry’s only kidding you on, Alice,’ Ray says, and she hears the reproach in his voice.
He’s taking sides with the Young Ones; he’s actually ganging up with them against a Senior Citizen.
Alice is preparing to leave, she won’t tolerate this, when she hears another one of them, the tall stupid-looking one, Aldo, point at her and openly abuse her.
‘I don’t know what that is but it needs a right good ironing.’
This is intolerable; this is what comes of bringing neds in off the street.
Nobody laughs this time. Big Stupid Aldo looks to his cronies for support for his witticism who in turn look to Ray. Ray puts his tools down. He moves to the pew, sits beside Aldo and puts an
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