Read Online Imaginary Friends by Nora Ephron - Free Book Online

time and ask you what you want to talk about.
    ABBY KAISER : Oh, is that how they do it? I’m so stupid. So he says, “What do you think of Lillian Hellman?” Like it just crossed his mind?
    MARY : Well, that’s a little obvious. More like “What writers do you think are … overrated?” or something.
    ABBY KAISER : And then you can say, “Lillian Hellman, everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’” Amazing. I had no idea.
    A beat
.
    MARY : Do you think I should say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but,’” or should I say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘the’”?
    ABBY KAISER : Gosh, I don’t know. They’re not too different.
    MARY :
[Trying them both.]
Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “but.”
    Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “the.”
[Beat.]
I think if I say “‘and’ and ‘but,’” people might be confused by the word “but,” but if I say “‘and’ and ‘the’”—I mean, obviously I’d have to pronounce it“the”—
[Sounding like “thee.”]
—as opposed to “the”—
[Sounding like “thuh.”]
—so people will be able to hear what I’m saying—
[Beat.]
I don’t want to have to make little quote marks with my fingers.
    ABBY KAISER : I always do that.
    MARY : “The” is better, I think. It’s so much more devoid of meaning than “but,” if you see what I mean.
    ABBY KAISER : I “see.”
[She makes little quote marks and laughs.]
    MARY : Do you think “Everything she writes is false” or “Everything she writes is a lie”—
    ABBY KAISER : Including “‘and’ and ‘the’” or “‘and’ and ‘but’”?
    MARY :
[Trying out other possibilities.]
“Everything she writes”? “Every word she writes”?
    A pause while
MARY
thinks about this
.
    ABBY KAISER : What are you wearing?
    MARY : I don’t know. Probably something matronly.
    They both laugh
.
    ABBY KAISER : Are you nervous?
    MARY : No, of course not. It’s just a television show that almost no one watches, right?
    ABBY KAISER : Absolutely
Scene 4

    The Dick Cavett Show.
January 25, 1980
    MARY
is being interviewed by
DICK CAVETT .
Her image is projected on the scrim behind her
.
    On the other side of the stage, a television set hangs from the ceiling over a bed
. LILLIAN
is next to the bed in a bathrobe, smoking a cigarette
.
    LILLIAN : I was watching, you know. I saw you say it.
    She climbs into the bed. We see the bed from the back, so that what we mostly see is a headboard with a curl of smoke rising above it
.
    DICK CAVETT : Are there any writers you think are overrated?
    MARY : The only one I can think of is a holdover like Lillian Hellman, who I think is tremendously overrated, a bad writer, a dishonest writer, but she really belongs to the past.…
    DICK CAVETT : What is so dishonest about her?
    MARY : Everything. But I said once in some interview that every word she writes is a lie, including “and” and “the.”
    And now
LILLIAN
rises up in the bed like Frumasera, and we have some fantastic visual effect of a giant black beast rising up and causing a BLACKOUT
.
Scene 5

    Voila
.
    We hear a doorbell ringing, and now we see the suggestion of a Paris apartment as
MARY
walks toward the door and opens it. A
SUMMONS SERVER
stands there
.
    SUMMONS SERVER : Madame Mary McCarthy?
    MARY : Oui?
    SUMMONS SERVER : Voila.
    He hands her the summons. She looks at it.
    BLACKOUT
.
Scene 6

    Imaginary friends
.
    The fig tree again
.
    The
ENSEMBLE
sings a reprise of “Fig Tree Rag.”
    ENSEMBLE :
    AND ONCE AGAIN WE SEE THE FIG TREE
THAT BIG FIG TREE
UP ABOVE
AND ONCE AGAIN WE VISIT FIZZY
WHO’S ALL DIZZY
AND IN LOVE
BUT NOW WE GET A VARIATION
A MUTATION
IF YOU WILL SHOW US THE SCENE AGAIN
RUN THE ROUTINE AGAIN
LOOK AT WHO’S BACK ON THE BILL
    FIZZY AND MAX
THEY’RE GONNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
I WANNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
WITH YOU
    The door to the house in New Orleans opens,